How does anyone live with their teens/ young adults?!

[Tiggy321]

Just that really. Have 3- 20,18 and 17. 20 yr old and 17 yr old are just horrid. Rude, lazy, lie about stuff, generally very unpleasant. My 18 yr old is a delight but the situation at home is really getting me down. It's like a war zone all the time. 20 yr old is between jobs so lies around doing nothing all day (just got back from travelling for 4 months). His room is disgusting, he's unbelievably rude and I find it hard to believe we are related! The 17 year old is pretty rude too, not doing any school work, just being mean to me all the time. I honestly feel like running away and never coming back. They are so so ungrateful for all I do (washing, cooking, shopping, lifts....) I feel I have totally failed as a parent to turn out nice, kind citizens. So utterly depressing and I literally dread coming home. Is it just me ? (Probably ..)

I wish you luck . It's a horrific ride and one I just can't get off.

It's all very well people saying call the police - he hasn't done anything criminal in their eyes and typically they don't want to get involved in domestic situations unless violence etc which we are not quite there yet

Wtf is your DH playing at?
He needs to back you up - united front, and all that.
I'd start with a serious word with him.

Who pays for their phone and the internet they use?

Also could your 20 year old be using illicit drugs?

Yes . That ship has sailed. I need to divorce him for many many reasons but financially not feasible right now. The needing to divorce and behaviour of son is of course not unrelated

It's literally a car crash on every level.

You said earlier he’d smashed his bedroom door, family photos etc. That is violence and of course the police will deal with that.

Sweetheart you need to ring the police.

People who say the police will deal with this are naive- the police are overstretched like all public services, and they cannot deal with everything. In general, they try to avoid dealing with domestic incidents like this.

In terms of getting him to leave the family home, take him to a council office with some of his stuff in a bin bag/suitcase and explain you are making him homeless. They should find him some temporary accommodation. He will be expected to claim universal credit and pay the housing element towards his rent.

Whilst he is out of the house, get the locks changed. Arrange a time for him to pick up the rest of his stuff or drop it off with him.

I wonder if the constant threat of violence is contributing to your daughter's behaviour.

To complicate matters I am not in the UK! I wish I was as i would run home to my mum which sounds pathetic as a 51 year old woman! I don't know what support there is where I live . I am going to try to seek advise

Can l just check?

You are the only one working (your Dh doesn’t?)

Your 20 year old has no income? What is he living on?

You are doing all washing and cooking? This sounds a very unhappy experience. Just stop doing anything for him.

Yep! He just got back from travelling before Christmas. Had a couple of temp days at work and then starts a full time job on 1/2. He has a tiny amount of money of his own so haven't given him any and absolutely will not!!!

I’d go and stay in a hotel for a week. Leave them and your useless Dh to sort it out between them. You seem to be the only one making any money, l think that mens you can choose how to spend it.

It's v tempting but my 18 year old who is on a gap year and working then travelling needs support through the chaos of all this. He's lovely ! And my nearly 17yr DD needs help and support. I need to keep an eye on her most definitely. I really want my son (and H) to leave!

Honestly? Just leave... take your DD with you and go and live somewhere else. Leave them to it.

Can you leave with the other 2? Even for a short period?

I’d tell your Dh and 20 year old to leave. They aren’t contributing financially or emotionally.

On the whole they improve with age and definitely once they've lived away for a bit.
Meanwhile, lifts and favours can be linked to helpfulness.
Don't get involved with too much discussion about this stuff, just don't do the washing/lifts/clearing their rooms.
In order to get lifts/ pocket money they need to do a minimum of household chores- could be the bins, cleaning up after dinner, whatever you like, but not personal maintenance stuff. If they don't do it, just don't be available.
Their clothes and rooms are just not your problem unless you chose it.
Don't get drawn into arguments, just state your case politely and drift off upstairs for a bit. They will soon get the message about what you consider minimum standards.
You don't have to have arguments about this stuff, actions speak louder than words. It can be hard to let go and give up involvement in the minutiae of their lives, but you will be doing them a favour.

Sorry I hadn't read the full thread, I see your situation is much worse than I'd initially thought.
What I wrote doesn't go near being helpful fior you, OP, I do apologise.
If there is violence involved your first responsibility is to your younger children.

Money! There’s two ways you can go.

1. Cut the finances, only give money after something is done to earn it. Their own laundry (mine have been doing theirs since they were 16), preparing a meal for everyone, ironing, washing the car, housework.
2. Agree an allowance that they would get at the end of the week/month and every bad behaviour has a charge. So if you’re sworn at deduct £2, damages something £5, violence £10 and you deduct every time so what they get is linked to how they have behaved and if you want to take it one step further if they get into minus figures then switch off the wifi or change the password, same for Netflix and if you pay for their phone don’t have them dictate the tariff, payg every time.

Hit them where it hurts, in the pocket! Why would you finance someone who treats you like dirt?

Where are you OP? Maybe someone can give advice that is relevant to your country.

Like some of the pp's my earlier advice was based on general laziness and disrespect but you're now describing violence and aggression that can't be tolerated, and it sounds like you know exactly where he got it from.

In your situation I'd seriously consider moving out with the younger two. You sound like you're at breaking point - for their sake and your own, you need to do something drastic to stop that happening.

Do you call police when he is violent and threatening?

@Tiggy321 that all sounds really hard.

You say that divorce is overdue. I'd say it sounds like it. Maybe you can use that as the catalyst to make logistical changes happen?

So, you get advice, start divorce proceedings, sell up,and get a place for you and the 17 yo (and possibly for the 18 yo on return from uni? )

The others will have to take care of themselves. Harsh but fair. If your 'D'H thinks it's unfair then he and the 20 yo can get a place together. 😬

Seriously, get the wheels in motion. You will be so much better off.

Why isn't your Dh working, is he retired. It's good your Ds has a job lined up in February, hope he sticks to it, he will need to contribute to household bills and food.