Step son Fussy eating at 14 - worried and annoyed!

[RedSpatula]

DSS is 14, and has been a fussy eater all his life. His diet is limited to chips, bread, pasta with no sauce, chicken nuggets, ham sandwiches, bland cheese, carrots and tomatoes and chocolate. That's pretty much all I've ever seen him eat.

When he's with his Dad (EOW) it's a constant battle. DH makes lovely interesting meals, nothing too unusual e.g. spaghetti bolognaise, nachos, burgers, pizza. Occasionally if we're having something more unusual for us and the other DSD, DH will make a special meal for DSS. But If it's something outside his comfort zone, DSS will eat a few bites, claim he's not hungry then whinge for pudding, and sulk for the rest of the night if he doesn't get any.

He's overweight - so he's clearly eating something when he's with his mother, but when he's with us be barely eats anything because "I don't like trying different food". His sister tells us his mother panders to him and their family meals consist of chicken nuggets etc, and he's allowed tubs of ice cream and chocolate.

We are concerned about his nutrition. He's not growing (he's under 5ft) and hasn't begun puberty. He's overweight, unfit and pale. I know this is his parent's problem not mine - when DH has raised it with his mother, she gets defensive, says she will try to give him more vegetables, but then nothing changes.

But more than the worry about his nutrition... it's just extremely annoying. We recently went on holiday with the DSCs, and chose an all inclusive mainly so we didn't have the daily battle with DSS about food. He ate chips and chicken nuggets every day. On the one day when we went out for a special meal, we again had to choose a restaurant that had enough choices to please him - he chose a chicken nugget sandwich... ate a few bites then sulked for the rest of the evening because it wasn't what he expected and there was no pudding. He MUST be starving when he's with us - I just don't get it.

How do people cope with fussy eaters? By the age of 14 he should be growing out of this but there is no sign of it improving - he eats like a 5 year old. Can anyone recommend any coping strategies?!

It seems a bit unfair to punish him by withholding pudding when he hasn’t eaten because he has such a severe form of selective eating /food restrictions.

Has he ever been taken to the dr re his delayed puberty & his diet? He could very well be suffering from malnutrition, even if he’s overweight.
It sounds very stressful all round. Frustrating for you and DH trying to feed him and stressful for him around meals and unfamiliar food. Could you try him on some nutritional shakes to at least make sure he’s getting enough vitamins and minerals? Malnutrition can lead to lack of interest in food but he may have Food neophobia.

www.cambscommunityservices.nhs.uk/docs/default-source/CAMBS-CYP-COMM-PAEDS---Healthy-Eating/0623---selective-eating---april-2019-(v1)-(1).pdf?sfvrsn=0

www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/

www.nhs.uk/conditions/malnutrition/symptoms/
it's possible to be a healthy weight or even overweight and still be malnourished.

It's not so much punishing him by withholding pudding - we don't often have pudding in our house. There is always fruit or yoghurt available but he doesn't like it.

No he hasn't been to the Dr - his mother won't acknowledge that he has any problems. She gets defensive whenever DH mentions it. I think he could indeed be malnourished.

He isn't registered with a GP near DH's home, as we live a long way away from where he lives with his mother. So I'm not sure how DH could tackle that other than to keep asking his mother to deal with it?

Your husband needs to make a doctor appointment for him at the GP he is registered at and take him.
Your husband doesn't need to be registered there - because it's his sons appointment.

There is nothing stopping his Dad from taking him to the Doctors himself.

But DH doesn't live anywhere near DSS - so when he has DSS he comes to us, he's nowhere near his GP.

Ah cross post. If your DH is worried enough im sure he could get him to the Drs. Book in to a premier inn near his GP if necessary or get a private appointment.

But if his Dad took him to a Drs near our home, DSS isn't registered here. So if the GP initiated investigations etc, DH wouldn't be able to take him for follow ups. Could a GP here refer him for investigations which his mother could then follow up?

Thing is, I think she'd refuse as she won't acknowledge there is a problem

Yeah that could work - do you think it warrants medical attention?

@RedSpatula he needs to travel near to the sons doctor for an appointment. As someone said - just book a night in a Premier Inn or something if it's too far for a day trip.

I don't know much about nutrition or development but do people think that his limited diet could be delaying his development and growth?

He looks like a 9 year old, no sign of puberty whatsoever, and I've not seen him grow in height for years (he must have done but nothing noticeable).

I wonder if his mother is trying to keep him as a child - she dresses him in childish clothing, and a diet of chicken nuggets and ice cream is a very child like way to raise him.

Yes it definitely warrants medical attention. Just the being overweight is an issue but the height, the lack of proper nutrition and the delayed puberty also need looking into.

Sad for him that you’ve clearly stated that what matters most to you is that it’s annoying for you and that is more important than his nutritional needs

sounds like he has a significant eating disorder

your DH should be making sure he gets the medical care he needs

It could be that he has something else going on other than a restricted diet.

My kids are autistic and have restricted diets. Chicken nuggets are the ultimate safe food because they’re dry, bland, crunchy and more or less the same every time. They have always been of normal height (if anything, taller than average) and normal weights.

I am of course worried about his nutrition but I'm not his parent so I have little say in the matter. I don't determine his diet and I stay out of the battles when he's at our house.

Do you really think it's an eating disorder? I think if DH could call it what it is, it might force his ex to sit up and take notice. She has allowed and encouraged this to happen, and does nothing to challenge it.

Yes also this. My nephew had a diet of chicken nuggets and cucumber and it was thisbhebwas taken to the Doctor for. Long story short he was eventually diagnosed as having Autism.

Well of course it’s an eating disorder - what particular disorder and what is causing could be any number of things

it sounds like quite a serious heal the n situation

Very common in autistic kids. In extreme cases it’s called ARFID - avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder.

If you acknowledge he must be starving and that he wouldn't eat a chicken nugget sandwich because it wasn't what he expected, I'd say this is more than fussy eating and there's possibly some sensory difficulties going on. In which case forcing the issue will not help at all.

Can his mum/you guys get a multivitamin in him?

Look at sensory processing difficulties and see if anything else looks familiar and also look at ARFID (avoidant, restrictive food intake disorder).

I have a very restricted eater and the only time his growth has been an issue was when had a period where he was barely eating at all. When he eats more he grows fine although was also late into puberty.

His mum is possibly defensive because it wears very thin very quick when people think your child is fussy and you pander when actually it runs much deeper than that. Perhaps you could suggest she looks into the sensory processing and ARFID too?

Op have a google of arfid. My dd was diagnosed with this a year ago. She’s much younger but his eating sounds very similar.

'Do you really think it's an eating disorder? I think if DH could call it what it is, it might force his ex to sit up and take notice. She has allowed and encouraged this to happen, and does nothing to challenge it.*'
*
She's probably desperate for support as opposed to being judged. No one encourages or allows an eating disorder fgs. And if your DH bothered to take him to the GP then perhaps he would discover how difficult it is to get such conditions recognised let alone supported. Your judgement certainly won't be helping your step son.

My daughter is autistic, very bland diet with a few select fruit and veg but nothing like other kids. She takes a multivitamin and a vitamin d/calcium vitamin everyday and is normal weight.

Why is it DSS's mum's job to take her son to the Dr? Your DH is more than capable of making an appointment for him and taking him. It's inconvenient that you live so far away- did his mum move after the split, or did you and DH?

The thing about these kids is they aren’t choosing to be awkward. They aren’t choosing to make people’s lives difficult. They just can’t eat foods that aren’t their safe foods.

So much judgment around parents allowing this, pandering to it, like they have any choice.

Traditional hard line tactics like “they’ll eat when they’re hungry” simply do not work. The OP has learned this. He is choosing to starve instead of forcing himself to eat something that isn’t “right” for whatever reason.

I have 2 with massive sensory issues and eat like this. It’s really difficult: getting cross / finding it annoying doesn’t help. As pp said: find out more about ARFID. We don’t have a diagnosis but it’s really helped me understand what’s going on and explore ways to support (and pretty sure ASD traits at play too). My DCs are slightly underweight but still growing ok and ok energy: am v lucky they will eat something from every food group (if you group fruit and veg together). It runs in my family: most of us were less extreme once we hit 20+ and were able to cater for ourselves.

Jelly sweet type vitamins can be got very cheap.

How is he with smoothies? You can get so much in their without them knowing even the shop ones.

Full and interesting fruit bowl that is always free to use whenever he wants