Step son Fussy eating at 14 - worried and annoyed!

[RedSpatula]

DSS is 14, and has been a fussy eater all his life. His diet is limited to chips, bread, pasta with no sauce, chicken nuggets, ham sandwiches, bland cheese, carrots and tomatoes and chocolate. That's pretty much all I've ever seen him eat.

When he's with his Dad (EOW) it's a constant battle. DH makes lovely interesting meals, nothing too unusual e.g. spaghetti bolognaise, nachos, burgers, pizza. Occasionally if we're having something more unusual for us and the other DSD, DH will make a special meal for DSS. But If it's something outside his comfort zone, DSS will eat a few bites, claim he's not hungry then whinge for pudding, and sulk for the rest of the night if he doesn't get any.

He's overweight - so he's clearly eating something when he's with his mother, but when he's with us be barely eats anything because "I don't like trying different food". His sister tells us his mother panders to him and their family meals consist of chicken nuggets etc, and he's allowed tubs of ice cream and chocolate.

We are concerned about his nutrition. He's not growing (he's under 5ft) and hasn't begun puberty. He's overweight, unfit and pale. I know this is his parent's problem not mine - when DH has raised it with his mother, she gets defensive, says she will try to give him more vegetables, but then nothing changes.

But more than the worry about his nutrition... it's just extremely annoying. We recently went on holiday with the DSCs, and chose an all inclusive mainly so we didn't have the daily battle with DSS about food. He ate chips and chicken nuggets every day. On the one day when we went out for a special meal, we again had to choose a restaurant that had enough choices to please him - he chose a chicken nugget sandwich... ate a few bites then sulked for the rest of the evening because it wasn't what he expected and there was no pudding. He MUST be starving when he's with us - I just don't get it.

How do people cope with fussy eaters? By the age of 14 he should be growing out of this but there is no sign of it improving - he eats like a 5 year old. Can anyone recommend any coping strategies?!

His Mum moved.

He won't eat smoothies or fruit. We have tried.

Dh needs to find a way of dealing with this without mum if need be (although it would be better working together but dss needs to come first).
Can dh start with a phone appointment with dss gp and then mum might cooperate. The gp can make referals to dietian etc as required.
Also could dh talk to the school nurse (the school will have details).
Can dh weight and get a height, do a food diary when he's with you (plus also document foods he's not had but been offered). Also ask questions about bowel habits because this may be a problem. Maybe encourage dss to have a vitamin tablet everyday (although getting the gp to do some bloods first would be a good base line).
I think if I was dh I'd look at getting agencies in to help because this will then mean mum's more likely to be on board.

I don't think he's a fussy eater. I think you have a child with an eating disorder.
I would de escalate all conflict around food. Offer him food that is safe and he likes. If your DH doesn't have a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, I don't see an easy resolution around getting help with this as your DH has quite limited options.
Offer choices in a non confrontational way and don't comment on refusals or drama.
Give him a multivitamin and maybe try and get him a bit more active when he's with you.
Developmentally, some older kids with persisting neophobia around food do start making better choices in their teens when they have more autonomy around food (and peer pressure to do more food related activities socially which they want to join in with).
I don't know about puberty delay etc, but 14 is at the top end I think for it starting and might warrant some investigation if it doesn't happen soon.

He also has a thing where he absolutely has to leave some food on his plate - even if it's something he's enjoying. Even if it's a biscuit or a cake - he always leaves the last bit. -I've watched him quietly, and if no one comments on it, eventually he'll go back and eat the food. I think it's attention seeking - he wants someone to make an issue about him not finishing his food so that he can have an argument about it.

Lots of good suggestions here thank you

I have wondered whether social / peer pressure may help. Unfortunately I think they're allowed to eat crap in school, he tells us he doesn't like any of the meals on offer so he eats pizza every day. He then spends all his pocket money on sweets in the shop. His mother seems either unaware or doesn't care.

As for going out with friends - they go to KFC, so that doesn't really help. He's had friends round for tea at our house, and we've taken them out for food and he still makes a big fuss over food in front of them.

I can see you don’t like him. You’ve been saying some quite odd things (like speculating whether his mother wants to stunt his emotional growth and physical development by feeding him “kiddy” food like nuggets and ice cream).

Who knows why he does this? If he’s on the autism spectrum (with food issues as severe as this it’s a strong possibility) then it could be some sort of anxiety driven quirk that he’s got into. Or it could be a way of displaying how uncomfortable he is with meal times at your house. I can’t imagine he enjoys them, bearing in mind the conflict, arguments, food refusal, and you watching him.

My autistic DD has a slightly more varied diet, but I've known since she was a toddler that she has a very strong sense of taste and smell (now diagnosed as sensory processing issues) so she's not being difficult or naughty in eating a restricted diet, she just can't manage strong flavours, mixed foods etc.

Personally I would feed your DSS his safe foods, plus carrots and tomatoes at every meal and maybe give him a small amount of whatever you're having. Also add a multi vitamin if you can.

I'm not a doctor but as he's getting enough calories (overweight) I would guess it's unlikely that his short stature is related to his diet, although it's still potentially worth a GP appointment.

He's also the child of divorced parents. When you have very little control over your life, you can still exert control around food.
Be gentle with this kid.

My son is severely autistic and will only eat the red Pom bear crisps. That's it.
Nothing else for 10 years. Arfid is a worrying eating disorder. Has your son been referred to a dietitian?

Oh my goodness, how do you manage this?? He must be completely undernourished but I can see you can't force him to eat anything else. I'm really sorry, it must be such a worry for you.