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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Visits to family at Christmas when they are a long way away

31 replies

SappedIt · 30/12/2022 10:54

We live a long way from family so if we go and visit at xmas we have to do a 10 hour drive each way. Ds is 14 and has expressed that he doesn’t really want to do this any more as he misses out on things at home with friends.

If you are in a similar situation, did your visits stop as your teens got older? I can’t imagine doing it with him when he’s at uni for example, so I’m guessing it’s just something that stops?

OP posts:
Forever42 · 30/12/2022 11:02

I would say Christmas is for family and I would expect my teen to participate, especially if you visit infrequently. Friends are local and he has plenty of other opportunities to spend time with them. Maybe at 17/18 things will change, although I would remind him that older family members won't be there forever.

coniston19 · 30/12/2022 11:04

I was saying exactly the same to my dh this morning!

Our in laws live about 7 hrs away and our 2 are 15 and 17. We had Christmas at home this year and it was lovely - but we will cause great offense if we don't travel to theirs next year (we always take turns).

It's can see problems ahead ....

Beamur · 30/12/2022 11:07

Forever42 · 30/12/2022 11:02

I would say Christmas is for family and I would expect my teen to participate, especially if you visit infrequently. Friends are local and he has plenty of other opportunities to spend time with them. Maybe at 17/18 things will change, although I would remind him that older family members won't be there forever.

This.
Our teens have never been given an opt out of family time. It's a few days a year.
Fast forward a couple of years and we now only have one live GF who I am LC with and a Granny with dementia who doesn't recognise anyone.

HassallGreen · 30/12/2022 11:08

For us it was something that stopped, no way was I dragging teens to family, they wanted to enjoy their own Christmas period with their friends.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 11:10

But the teens are family! And their Christmas is spent in a car!! Hardly fair either!

HassallGreen · 30/12/2022 11:11

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 11:10

But the teens are family! And their Christmas is spent in a car!! Hardly fair either!

Exactly. I'm not going to prioritise my parents every single year over my children, things have to change and adapt.

toomuchlaundry · 30/12/2022 11:11

Teen DS was working over Christmas (has PT job in hospitality) so our Christmas plans (and NY) are organised round him. His shifts were discussed before he agreed them

AuntieMarys · 30/12/2022 11:13

I wouldnt travel 10 hours to see family

Parky04 · 30/12/2022 11:16

From the age of 15 I flatly refused to travel anywhere for Christmas. I cooked my own meal on Xmas day. My parents although disappointed accepted my decision.

Lkydfju · 30/12/2022 11:23

How often do you see them? I was in a similar situation growing up and it wasn’t optional and taught me the importance of family; by the time I was 18 I was very keen to see family and happily went on these trips.
We take the same approach with teen DD who might grumble but family is important and actually all of her friends are visiting family so there isn’t much being arranged.
my only caveat there is that with nye I think teens should be allowed to make their own plans (within reason)

Abigail69 · 30/12/2022 11:33

LOl this reminds me of out teens days. I wanted to stay back when I was 16 and parents did not let me. I was going to invite a BF parents did not know about around the house for you know what. At 17.5 yrs when it was Xams parents agreed and a new BF stayed the three nights and they did not find out. At 18 I wanted to go with them . As you grow older you realise what family is.

My brother was allowed to stay at home alone at 16. His mates spilt dring on the floor/rug and dad was angry and upset
Teens have a good reason of wanting to stay behind regardless of the so-called promises, lol

AnotherEmma · 30/12/2022 11:34

10 hours each way is a lot of driving - do you do it every year? Have you been doing it since the children were little? Is there a lot of family in the same location (eg both sets of grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins etc)?

Tbh I am struggling to understand why you'd want to do it. Could you alternate years so family comes to you instead every other year? Or would budget allow renting somewhere halfway to split the travelling for everyone?

I don't blame your teen for wanting at least some time at home and not wanting to be stuck in a car for 20+ hours every Christmas break. I'd be the same.

Original poster
SappedIt · 30/12/2022 12:06

Thanks for the thoughts. I would much prefer visiting at other times rather than xmas as then we can get the train which is about 6 hours and less stressful. We try to do 2 visits a year and it’s to see my parents and my sibling. They don’t come up and visit us

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 12:17

Well why not remind them the road goes both ways?

waterrat · 30/12/2022 13:13

Hi OP - I have family in scotland and grew up in London so this issue has come up for us in slightly related ways though more me driving it than the kids.


So - having travelled to scotland for christmas a few times I now absolutely refuse - it's too stressful and I just asked myself why would I do this at the worst possible time of year to travel.

Carrying presents/ warm clothes/ staying with relatives when it's dark at 4 so difficult to really enjoy the visit and everyone stuck indoors a lot -

You may only have a few more christmas's where your teens will definitely be there - tell the relatives its not the time of year you want to visit them anymore and you will book in for spring etc.

I think it is natural teens would not enjoy a trip like that - and will mean so long away from mates. Just enjoy your time with them while they are still living at home.

Beamur · 30/12/2022 14:09

Despite my previous post, I don't think it's unreasonable to consider everyone in these decisions and to maybe visit for Christmas on alternate years so that teens do get to do the other things they want as well.

Iloveacurry · 30/12/2022 14:16

Just seen your update. Why can’t your parents or sibling travel to you occasionally?

Original poster
SappedIt · 30/12/2022 14:58

My parents visited loads pre covid but now they’ve lost their confidence and they’re late 70s. No idea about my sibling though. Have invited them but they prefer to holiday abroad.

I can see the benefit of the alternate years but how long will that go on for? Would for example an 18yo normally do something like that?

And thanks to waterrat - I hadn’t really thought that my teen won’t always be around. Silly I know!

OP posts:
Figgygal · 30/12/2022 15:00

I have a 500 mile journey which in car with stops for 2 children takes 10 hours
So we fly - is flying not an option?

Original poster
SappedIt · 30/12/2022 15:06

And just to add, to make the drive worthwhile we have to go for at least 4 days which is a big chunk of time. It’s not just a day out to see the relatives

OP posts:
Original poster
SappedIt · 30/12/2022 15:08

Flying still needs a 2 hour drive the other end - which we’d need to hire a car to do

OP posts:
Weenurse · 30/12/2022 15:09

We drive 10 hours.
When ours were teens, they took turns driving to get their hours up and to get experience country driving.
We go every second year and have a big family Christmas with my brothers and their families.
Mine would not miss it, as they love to catch up with their cousins, who are similar ages.
DC now 25 and 26. Not sure how much longer it will last.
This year some drove and some flew depending on work

Floralnomad · 30/12/2022 15:10

From your teens pov it would probably be better if you either went for less time or added some attraction into the visit like a trip to the Harry Potter tour or whatever is in the area .

Weenurse · 30/12/2022 15:10

We go 22 or 23-26, home on 26 due to dog.

LemongrassLollipop · 30/12/2022 15:13

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 30/12/2022 12:17

Well why not remind them the road goes both ways?

Lots of family forget this especially when spouting just how important family is.