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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds18 doing coke

29 replies

dakel · 23/12/2022 08:48

Don't really know why I writing this, just feel I can't speak to anyone in real life.

So I've found out ds is doing coke every weekend. I saw a message pop up on his phone whilst he asked me to put it on charge for him. The message said "do you have that £160 for the sniff".
Obviously he has it every weekend, he goes out at night gets back between 5.30am-7.30am then sleeps all day.

His dad gave him £300 last Thursday for Christmas, I asked what he'd bought he said nothing I must have just spent it! He was out Friday and Saturday last weekend.
He gets paid on a Friday and has nothing left by Monday/Tuesday. If I say anything to him I just get attitude from him saying it's his money he's 18 he can spend it on what he wants. Yes I know this is true!

I know there is nothing I can do or say but i just wish he would stop blowing his money every weekend on drink and drugs and grow up. Since splitting from his girlfriend a couple of weeks ago he got worse.

Just wondered has anyone else been in this situation with their 18 year old. Did you just leave them to it, when did they start to grow up?

I dread every weekend he goes out, im awake most of the night worrying about when he will be home and if he's ok

OP posts:
waterrat · 23/12/2022 12:18

Im in my 40s and at 18 i was taking drugs a lot. That was the late 90s and all my friends were as well. I would just try to keep open channels of communication with him dont say over dramatic things but focus on the impact drugs have on mental health...which in my view is the most serious issue and onr i saw a lot of at the time

PritiPatelsMaker · 26/12/2022 13:25

I've not experienced it either but I think I'd try and have a chat with him about your suspicions. I wouldn't mention the message though, as he could just become secretive.

pandwa · 26/12/2022 13:32

I'd be lying if I said I didn't 'experiment' at this age and the years beyond... obviously different now I've grown up. And that's my point, they do grow up, some before others granted.

I understand your worry. You're his mother ! But no matter what you say atm it won't change his behaviour. A lot of it is friendship groups too at that age so you're around it and it's tempting to join in...

As a pp said, just keep the lines of communication open and let him know you're there for him. And drum it home what a massive waste of money it is.

I do agree about the mental health aspect too, I've always suffered ocd since I was little but my anxiety and ocd these days are so so bad, and I do think it's due to the past

nancydroo · 26/12/2022 13:39

Start charging him rent and utilities and he will have less money for drugs and so will be taking less drugs.

Runningintolife · 26/12/2022 13:41

You are his biggest influence and role model so do express your values and wishes for him. It will go in, even if he appears to outwardly roll his eyes.
I want better for you than coke fuelled weekends
Spending at the rate you are is unsustainable
Surround yourself with good people, not people who have lost their way in lines of coke
Spend your money as you like but no more of mine is going to support criminal gangs who harm people from source to customer, and that means I won't be giving you money.

Icequeen01 · 26/12/2022 14:02

God I really feel for you. It's so difficult I know what to do as my DS is 23 and so far we have been lucky and not had to deal with this. However, I know if we faced this both DH and I would be on the same page and would have to speak to our DS.

Apart from the whole mental health aspect of taking drugs it would also be a huge worry that he got into trouble with the police and ended up with a drugs conviction that would show up on a DBS affecting his work choices in the future. I know many would disagree with our thinking though.

Survey99 · 26/12/2022 14:17

Why cant you speak to anyone on RL? Is it because you dont have support or because you are embarrassed. Dont be embarrassed or hide his dirty secret. Tell your son you are ashamed he is a drug user, let him know your values. Tell anyone who might talk some sense into him.

Does he stay at home and is he paying you sufficient dig money?, if not up it to market values. If he wants to play the big man he can do what adults do and fully pay his way. I would not be enabling drug use by subsidising his living costs.

Tell him, under no circumstances should be bring drugs into your home. Then tell him you love him but cannot condone it, all you can do is talk about the consequences and wait, hoping it is a phase he grow out of.

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2022 14:22

Charge full whack rent/utilities or he can move out

Anything else is enabling

In case you don't know cocaine is now one quarter the cost it was a decade ago - basically you can get 8/10 lines for £40 - if he's spending £160 on a couple of nights out it's VERY HEAVY usage

JennyForeigner · 26/12/2022 14:32

My cousin is a mental health nurse working with teens in a high dependency secure unit. You don't want to know what she thinks of coke.

It is a potentially catastrophic mental health risk and a human rights disaster. At the same age my mum caught my brother planning to get hold of some pills - she threatened to get the police involved to put the fear of God into him and it worked. She didn't end up needing to take it further as he straightened up when he needed to. A lot of that was him taking on adult responsibilities and starting to save towards things though.

At that age they need to have their eyes lifted towards the horizon too.

Soproudoflionesses · 26/12/2022 16:06

Got a friend who regularly takes coke.
He becomes so aggressive on it l have stopped hanging about with him.
Definitely start charging him rent money so he has less to spend.
But am watching with interest as someone will be along with some better advice.

Original poster
dakel · 26/12/2022 17:01

Thanks all for your advice.

I have spoke to him and told him it's o buoys he's out taking drugs. How else can he manage to stay out till 6-7.30 am.
I haven't mentioned the message I've seen.

I've also said how bad it is for his mental health and what a waste of money it is and he could be doing a lot more stuff with his money.
I got the usual eye roll. I'm 18 it's my life, it's not about money it's about the memories blah blah blah.

He also said he's only going it's not going to be forever, he's just living his life.

I told him it is his life and money and he can do what he wants with it. But... if I ever find any drugs in my house then that will be the last straw and he can go find someone else to live. Get a place with "his mates" who he tends to think more of these days!

OP posts:
Original poster
dakel · 26/12/2022 17:06

Also the reason I feel like I can't speak to anyone in real life is due to me feeling embarrassed and ashamed by it!

I have spoken to my sister about it and she just says it's an horrible situation to be in but what can I really do??? Hopefully he will grow up soon!

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 26/12/2022 23:51

He definitely doesn't want to get in debt for it, the have u got that £160 for the sniff suggests it was layed on. If he fucks up paying for it, mb he gets it from a mate but there is somebody higher up n they will want paying. He may be strong armed into carrying or selling. I'm an ex user of 20yr plus so know what I'm talking about. Hope he sees sense. 😁

PritiPatelsMaker · 27/12/2022 10:02

That's a very good point Northern. Glad you've managed to get yourself out Flowers

LlynTegid · 27/12/2022 18:26

Ask him how he feels about the people who have been murdered in the Liverpool area or those crossing the channel in small boats. He is in effect condoning this by his drug taking.

Agree about charging rent.

userxx · 27/12/2022 18:30

I was doing the same at that age, hopefully he'll grow out of it.

OldTinHat · 27/12/2022 18:54

I was, with my 17yr old. I involved SS and the police. Sounds dramatic but I will not tolerate drugs.

With help, I made sure DS knew he would not have a home with me all the time he took drugs (it was recreational, coke, mdma, weed). SS had a space ready for his 18th birthday in a hostel which was the deadline.

By his 18th, he was clean, ditched his so called mates that he had been hanging around with and hasnt looked back.

OP, you have to set your own boundaries. Do you want this or not? If not, then give him a deadline to ditch the drugs or move out. Its horrible but you have to, for him and you.

userxx · 27/12/2022 18:58

OldTinHat · 27/12/2022 18:54

I was, with my 17yr old. I involved SS and the police. Sounds dramatic but I will not tolerate drugs.

With help, I made sure DS knew he would not have a home with me all the time he took drugs (it was recreational, coke, mdma, weed). SS had a space ready for his 18th birthday in a hostel which was the deadline.

By his 18th, he was clean, ditched his so called mates that he had been hanging around with and hasnt looked back.

OP, you have to set your own boundaries. Do you want this or not? If not, then give him a deadline to ditch the drugs or move out. Its horrible but you have to, for him and you.

Glad my parents didn't take that drastic action.

Please don't do that op.

OldTinHat · 27/12/2022 19:53

@userxx it was done with love and respect from both sides. He had a choice as did I. I didn't want drug deals bring done through the letterbox anymore, he had a younger brother who I also had responsibility for.

We had open communication the whole time with thanks to SS support.

We're several years on now, he has an amazing job, his own home, a fabulous partner who has been by his side since the beginning.

But different strokes, eh? I didn't want my child spiralling into an early grave is all.

userxx · 27/12/2022 20:07

OldTinHat · 27/12/2022 19:53

@userxx it was done with love and respect from both sides. He had a choice as did I. I didn't want drug deals bring done through the letterbox anymore, he had a younger brother who I also had responsibility for.

We had open communication the whole time with thanks to SS support.

We're several years on now, he has an amazing job, his own home, a fabulous partner who has been by his side since the beginning.

But different strokes, eh? I didn't want my child spiralling into an early grave is all.

Drugs through the letterbox ?? Nah, that's a pisstake.

I don't know anyone who's died from taking drugs and my social group partied hard. Each to their own 🤷‍♂️

ScreamingBeans · 27/12/2022 20:11

How much does he earn? How much does he pay for his keep? How can he afford cocaine?

twistyizzy · 27/12/2022 20:15

From 16-19 I was doing speed, coke and weed heavily ie speed and coke Friday-Monday. I even did coke the night before 2 of my A levels. My whole life revolved around the drugs, the only thing that got me out of it was moving away to Uni and getting a better group of friends. I put my parents through hell but I got through the other side with no long lasting impact.
I don't have any sage advice for you but just wanted to share my own experience and to say that just because he is partying hard now doesn't mean that he will ruin his whole life.
All I can definitely remember from that period of time though is not listening to anything my parents said and just focusing on partying. I realise that isn't a comfort but at 18 I think that there is very little impact you can have unfortunately.

TheOinkySplit · 27/12/2022 20:20

£160?! Surely that must be an accumulation and not all for one night/ weekends worth?

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 27/12/2022 20:29

Do you charge him rent/a contribution to bills? If not, I would start doing that. If you can- I would save some of this money for him. If he is spending all his money on drugs, I imagine he has no savings, which will become an issue at some point for him I'm sure.

It's likely that the coke is a bit of a compulsion for him- when I was in my early 20s I knew a few people that whilst perhaps didn't have a true addiction, they really wanted coke every time they had a drink/went on a night out. It's not much fun to be around, and to be honest can have dangerous side effects as well as your judgement being significantly impaired.

Are you sure it is coke he is doing? It could also be MDMA or Ketamine? I also know a few people who have been seriously addicted to ketamine in their early 20s, and it has made their lives miserable.

I would try to have an honest conversation with him about what drugs he is taking, and does he feel like he has a problem with addiction? He may not feel like he has a problem, even if he is doing them really regularly, because this is normalised among some teens.

Let him know he can come to you for help if he wants it- I think this is really important.

I'd potentially try to discuss it with his dad, at least, and stop the large cash gifts (if only because buying larger quantities than normal can be dangerous).

dolor · 27/12/2022 20:31

nancydroo · 26/12/2022 13:39

Start charging him rent and utilities and he will have less money for drugs and so will be taking less drugs.

Wrong.

Drugs will come first when someone is hooked.