Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter’s relationship with trans girl

34 replies

Jeezitshard · 20/12/2022 09:27

My 14 year old came out as bisexual a couple of years back. No biggie - I think she was mildly disappointed that her announcement didn’t provoke anything more than an ‘ok that’s fine’ from us. She has just ended a 9 month relationship with a boy. It became toxic and draining and her mental health suffered greatly.

she has been friends with a kid - let’s call the kid Stephen - since primary. For about a year they’ve been close friends as Stephen was part of the friendship group that involved the ex boyfriend. However, in July, Stephen told my dd that they were trans and wishes to be Stephanie. Has known since they were a child etc. only my dd and one other friend know about this.

so let’s now call her Stephanie. Stephanie is still male presenting - mainly because mum and dad have no clue about any of this. It doesn’t help I’m friends with Stephanie’s mum. Not close friends but we text occasionally, have a coffee once in a while etc.

stephanie came over last night…and asked my DD out on a date. She said yes. I’m so worried as she is literally just out of this other relationship, the ex is still pining for her and threatening self-harm/ suicide (she’s blocked him now as she couldn’t deal with it). She’s in therapy herself after having a breakdown so is very fragile. I’m worried that her getting into a relationship with someone who is a good friend isn’t a great idea as when these things end, the friendship tends to as well. Also knowing that Stephanie has a lot of things to contend with, I know that the road ahead could be fraught with more stress and heartache. And yes I’m concerned about the trans aspect - I like the kid - they’re painfully shy but very sweet and well mannered. I think I’d be less worried if they’d already transitioned and were presenting as the gender they felt most comfortable as. But knowing that a transition may or may not be looming in the not too distant future is a worry. It doesn’t seem to bother dd in the slightest and from a relationship point of view I genuinely just want her to be happy - with a man or a woman - it makes no difference. But I just worry about all the complications ahead. I’ve not told dh yet. He is very open minded and will be way more concerned that dd is jumping into something so soon and when she is so fragile. WTF do I do. Genuinely don’t know how to handle this one. I don’t want to come between what is a genuinely nice friendship. They’re so alike. Toys bookworms, focussed on their studies, quite introverted. It could work out but I just want to protect her as much as I can without wrapping her in cotton wool.

OP posts:
lailamaria · 20/12/2022 15:15

i think it's genuinely really unfair that you painted this about the girl being trans, it's not up to you who your daughter dates and most of your post was about her jumping into a new relationship quickly, she doesn't need protecting from this, this sounds like an actual healthy situation despite the circumstances plus they're only 14 it's not like the relationship is set in stone and what's your dh gonna do, ban her from seeing her because he doesn't approve, that would be extremely controlling of him

SixCharactersinSearchofanAuthor · 20/12/2022 15:23

As long as your DD is aware that Stephanie retains the ability to get your DD pregnant whatever Stephanie's gender identity is.

nookierookie · 20/12/2022 15:29

Isn't it firstly more about whether your DD is in a good frame of mind to be in a relationship full stop?

She has just been with a boyfriend who has put a lot on her and she has struggled with that. Maybe she needs some space - only she can decide.

I think it would be easier to maybe ensure that she knows that she doesn't have to be in a relationship with anyone if she feels it is too soon, even if the other person is a friend who needs support - you can be really close without being in a relationship. (Plus contraceptive advice)

Then just be there

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/12/2022 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/12/2022 15:34

SixCharactersinSearchofanAuthor · 20/12/2022 15:23

As long as your DD is aware that Stephanie retains the ability to get your DD pregnant whatever Stephanie's gender identity is.

This was the first thing that leapt to my mind too.

VahineNuiWentHome · 20/12/2022 15:37

So I think you can’t stop your dd to enter a new relationship.

I get your worries about Stephanie. It looks like your dd is walking right in a situation full of drama (I’m guessing Stephanie parents won’t be as easy going as you are, hence they haven’t said anything to them yet). Nothing to do with your dd or about Stephanie but a comment about the situation itself iyswim.

I think the best you can do is to warm your dd about starting another relationship so soon. I’d remind her that she can be close to Stephanie Wo being gf together.
id also remind her that she can come to talk to you if anything is feeling too heavy for her.
the one good thing is that she is seeing a counsellor so will be able to get support that way too. I’d carry with that atm.

lifeofasd · 20/12/2022 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How is this helpful?? What's your point?You think young teenagers think of the law when they feel ready to take it to the next stage of intimacy ?

AkoraEdelherb · 20/12/2022 15:38

nookierookie · 20/12/2022 15:29

Isn't it firstly more about whether your DD is in a good frame of mind to be in a relationship full stop?

She has just been with a boyfriend who has put a lot on her and she has struggled with that. Maybe she needs some space - only she can decide.

I think it would be easier to maybe ensure that she knows that she doesn't have to be in a relationship with anyone if she feels it is too soon, even if the other person is a friend who needs support - you can be really close without being in a relationship. (Plus contraceptive advice)

Then just be there

This. Talk to her - have a conversation as ‘grown ups’ and explain to her why it’s important she works on herself first and is in a good place before considering a relationship.

The values of self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth are important topics you should be discussing with your DD regularly. Don’t let her just muddle through, explain to her why something concerns you specifically.

YouJustDoYou · 20/12/2022 15:39

As long as she still understands that the transgirl can still get her pregnant, no matter what the propaganda pushes...

Servalan · 20/12/2022 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Eh? Where does it say in the OP that anyone's enabling sexual intercourse - I thought OP's daughter had just been asked out on a date?

OP, I can understand the concern about your DD jumping from one relationship to another. The other kid being trans wouldn't be my first concern. I think all you can do is gently let your DD know that she doesn't have to jump into a new relationship but be there for her whatever she decides. I think whether or not the other kid is trans is a bit of a red herring to be honest.

DolphinWars · 20/12/2022 15:40

I would be wary of them having similar MH issues (if I read that right?).

Dd was in a close relationship with someone who had similar issues that she did, they became close to the point where they excluded other friends, and proceeded to drag each other downhill.
Dd was an adult at this point so I had limited input.

In your shoes I’d try to limit somewhat the time they have together and help/encourage your dd to maintain and make other friendships.

MH has a contagion effect, and teens can quickly compete their way to the bottom.

lailamaria · 20/12/2022 15:45

oh the wonderful mumsnet transphobia

Aisling28 · 20/12/2022 15:48

Are these really 14 old old. Far to young imo to be in relationships especially ones for months that you said was quite toxic. No 14 year old has the mental capacity to deal with all that. I would be maybe talking about building friendships and self confidence .

bellac11 · 20/12/2022 15:49

Shes very young to hvae already been in a 9 month toxic 'relationship'

Whats going on here with boundaries etc?

DolphinWars · 20/12/2022 15:51

lailamaria · 20/12/2022 15:45

oh the wonderful mumsnet transphobia

Where?

I’ve reread the whole thread.
It’s common sense to be aware that a hetero couple are at risk of pregnancy (and sadly common for teens to believe that transitioning literally changes your sex).
The advice is typical advice most would give to a worried mother of a young teen.

DolphinWars · 20/12/2022 15:51

If there is transphobia in this thread report it.

DeadDonkey · 20/12/2022 16:08

This all sounds very complicated for a 14 year old.

W0tnow · 20/12/2022 16:10

lailamaria · 20/12/2022 15:15

i think it's genuinely really unfair that you painted this about the girl being trans, it's not up to you who your daughter dates and most of your post was about her jumping into a new relationship quickly, she doesn't need protecting from this, this sounds like an actual healthy situation despite the circumstances plus they're only 14 it's not like the relationship is set in stone and what's your dh gonna do, ban her from seeing her because he doesn't approve, that would be extremely controlling of him

Yes because trans teens are known for their robust mental health.

I would be concerned too, OP, at my daughter entering into a relationship so quickly, with someone mentally vulnerable. It’s a recipe for disaster when it ends, if it ends badly. Though I’m not sure how much more, other than a gentle conversation focussing on their friendship, and how it is a lovely and positive one, you can do.

Echobelly · 20/12/2022 16:17

I agree with some PPs that the issue is less the trans identification than the whole situation being extremely delicate. I think the best thing you can do is be there for DD, and indeed for Stephanie, be aware things may go south and do the best you can for them.

I don't think there's any need for worries about physical transition, as a possibility that is way in the future in terms of likely length of teenage relationships.

This all sounds v intense for 14yos (I have one myself), so does DD have wider interests or does she tend to make her whole life/identity about being with someone else? Maybe it would help to make sure she has more in her life than a relationship, if that is an issue?

YouJustDoYou · 20/12/2022 16:29

"oh the wonderful mumsnet transphobia"

There's been none. It's not "transphobia", it's sensible advice especially when the young are told they can be female or male despite the fact that being either can result in pregnancy if you don't take appropriate sex-based steps to avoid such pregnancies/making females pregnant.

Don't gaslight.

lailamaria · 20/12/2022 16:31

it is transphobia, calling the relationship too complicated, mentioning teen pregnancy saying that everyone who's saying stay out of it is somehow promoting underage sex, that is transphobia, saying she doesn't know her own mind when that's exactly what people on here back in 2009 used to say about gay people, it's the same thing

TeenDivided · 20/12/2022 16:39

If my child had poor mental health I'd be very concerned about them entering in to a relationship with another child who also had poor mental health however that manifested itself.

It isn't transphobia to say that a heterosexual relationship could result in a pregnancy irrespective of gender identities.

YouJustDoYou · 20/12/2022 16:39

"It isn't transphobia to say that a heterosexual relationship could result in a pregnancy irrespective of gender identities"

This.

DolphinWars · 20/12/2022 16:43

Concern about the effect of two mentally ill teens on each other is transphobia?
Sure, whatever. Everything is transphobic 🙄

DeadDonkey · 20/12/2022 16:51

lailamaria · 20/12/2022 16:31

it is transphobia, calling the relationship too complicated, mentioning teen pregnancy saying that everyone who's saying stay out of it is somehow promoting underage sex, that is transphobia, saying she doesn't know her own mind when that's exactly what people on here back in 2009 used to say about gay people, it's the same thing

I take it the transphobia comment was aimed at me

It’s nothing to do with being trans. It’s about two 14 years with poor mental health, one who has just existed a 9 month toxic relationship, starting a new relationship. I can’t see it ending well for either of them.