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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice urgently needed

42 replies

Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:09

I’ve named changed for this post as I’m mortified.
DS is 15 and dating 16 year old girl.
Had lots of conversations about online safely and consent and what’s ok as what’s not. But clearly I’ve failed as just found LOTS of sexting texts with topless photos.
it’s hard to tell what’s sexting and what’s possibly really happening but they are clearly touching each other.
Im just not sure how to deal with it. The photos need to go. Do I tell him to ask her to delete them or tell her parents? I know she has a tricky relationship with them so I don’t want to embarrass her. The photos are all semi nudes - standing in bra etc
Feel sick about the sexting too!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2022 13:17

Sorry, but you really need to calm down. Freaking out on your son will accomplish absolutely nothing. You need to have a calm chat and keep stressing the importance of using contraception and how sending nudes can cause massive problems. You haven't failed, your son is 15 and what he's feeling and wanting is totally normal. Your son is a sexual being, there's no preventing that. If you go nuclear all you will achieve is permanently damaging your relationship.

As for the girl, of course you shouldn't go to her parents. What would that achieve, exactly, aside from making her life miserable? Your son would also be furious, too, I'm sure. It would only push him away from you.

curiositydoll · 15/12/2022 13:19

You do nothing and stay out of it.

RunDownRita · 15/12/2022 13:20

Calm down.

Have a chat with your son about the perils of sending nudes, contraception and consent.

Don’t contact her parents- why would you?

How did you find the messages?

Survey99 · 15/12/2022 13:21

How on earth did you find these private photos on his phone, surely by 15/16 they are entitled to some privacy and not to have a parent reading personal messages between a gf and bf.

Talk, advise and guide them through these subjects - nude photos, contraception , protection, consent etc, but it is past the stage where you should be reading any of their private messages!

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:29

He’s already been in trouble for sharing a semi nude photo that was air dropped to his phone so I’ll admit, I looked on another devise to check in.
is that not responsible? At 15 (just!) a sexual relationship seems very young and boys seem to be vulnerable to being accused of all sorts of things

OP posts:
Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:30

The sexting is pretty full on!

OP posts:
RunDownRita · 15/12/2022 13:32

It’s fine to check his phone but he should know in advance (ie from when he got the phone) that you’ll be doing that.

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:34

They need to delete the photos but I would rather know that they were deleted both ends

OP posts:
christmasmagic11 · 15/12/2022 13:36

It's nothing to do with you. You should reinforce that nude sending means that they can be exposed, blackmailed, and they can be on the internet forever. But at you cannot control what she has on her phone. Getting her parents involved would be an overreaction.

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:40

can I advice that he asks her to delete them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:41

How common is sexting at 15?? The content has blown my mind 🫤

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 15/12/2022 13:44

You need to sit him down and calmly have conversation about boundaries and what is ok. If he's done it before and not taken notice of your comments before then that's not good.

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:46

no it’s not good.
how would you manage it?

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 15/12/2022 13:49

Photos need to be deleted both ends - from a police perspective they could be classed as indecent images

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 13:57

Yes that’s my concern. It’s how to do that??

OP posts:
lifeiscake · 15/12/2022 14:10

when my son was 16 his gf was 15 i had the normal chat and just left it as that there still together both in there 20s now living together just stay calm and tell both of them your concerns .

MuthaHubbard · 15/12/2022 14:12

I think i would speak to him calmly - up to you if you tell him what you've seen or just say it's been on your mind.
Download/sharing IIOC is v serious so I would reiterate that to him and ask if she is aware and that those sorts of photos shouldn't be kept if received.
I think sometimes as it's someone they know in the images, who's an older teen, it doesn't feel the same but still very serious.

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 14:12

Thank you. Trying really hard to stay calm!

OP posts:
Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 14:13

I just pray that haven’t had unprotected sex

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 15/12/2022 14:18

There's not much you can do about that if they have, other than reiterate safety, consent and that DS can talk at any time.

Another calm talk about the photos may at least stop them progressing to more intimate ones

bothsidesofasmile · 15/12/2022 15:26

Not sure what it is that you're asking here. He's 15 and is going to have sex! Happens younger and younger now. It sounds as though you've done what you need to previously with letting him know about safe sex ect. But really you need to give him and his gf privacy.

Original poster
Panic71 · 15/12/2022 15:56

I was totally expecting to be reminded it’s illegal and he is massively at risk.

OP posts:
bothsidesofasmile · 15/12/2022 16:00

Panic71 · 15/12/2022 15:56

I was totally expecting to be reminded it’s illegal and he is massively at risk.

Which bit are you referring to being illegal?

He's a teenager and will experiment with lots of things. It's a normal and healthy part of development. We can't control them at this stage we can offer all the advice and keep reminding them we are always there to talk to but honestly snooping in private things and trying to hinder normal development will only hurt you and DS relationship.

RunDownRita · 15/12/2022 16:04

Panic71 · 15/12/2022 15:56

I was totally expecting to be reminded it’s illegal and he is massively at risk.

Well the age of consent is 16 but the police have zero interest in consensual sex between a 15 year old and 16 year old. It's not really clear what you think he is at risk of (other than the obvious risks of sending nudes, which you should speak to him about). Is there anything to suggest he's unhappy or under pressure?

PeachyMama · 15/12/2022 16:08

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I thought 15/16 was prime age for losing virginity. Certainly was back in my day anyway! As others have said sexting is normal but I would chat about consent and contraception etc. good luck xx

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