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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Read DS13 phone

30 replies

Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:10

Related to another post I made a few hours ago...

I spotted on the phone tracker that DS was on her phone when she should've been asleep. This has been a huge deal for us recently, as there's been a lot of lying about what's she's doing in her phone and when it's being switched off, etc.

Anyway, I went in and took it off her, but the screen was unlocked. I took it to my room and couldn't help but look at the conversations with some friends on SM.

I saw messages that says she's been feeling low and had suicidal thoughts and that she's been feeling this way for months. Thankfully, the messages were to a lovely young man, who was kind and sweet, and for 13, said all of the right things.

She also told him she's been meeting a boy at school in break times to kiss. She said today he 'put his hands on her ass and tried to pull her pants down'

She said it made him angry when she didn't want him to and it made her feel horrible. There were messages off this boy asking her to FaceTime him and do 'stuff' - but she 'wouldn't like it'. I can only imagine. Thankfully she sad no.

I mean - WTF 😳

I'm shocked and feel sick.

What do I do with all of this?! I don't even know where to start. I've never looked at her phone before , but couldn't help myself as I've been so worried about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:11

Sorry, it's my daughter - not DS!!

OP posts:
coldec · 13/12/2022 01:12

Who is the man?

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:17

It's another boy in her school year. The messages from him were awful. He's clearly taking advantage of her and she's so sucked in.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. He's so manipulative

OP posts:
coldec · 13/12/2022 01:25

Sorry I misread you I thought she had been messaging a man, you meant a 13 year old boy?

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:27

Yes, they're all 13. In her year at school.

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NoDramaMama12 · 13/12/2022 01:33

When I was 16 my mum found messages to my secret boyfriend.

(I wasn't allowed to date).

She confronted me about it and I was MORTIFIED. I didn't feel comfortable sharing my feelings with her as I felt my trust was betrayed, but in my case it was all innocent.

You need to tread carefully. This isn't something you can let go of, but at the same time, you don't want to shut your daughter out.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but hoping someone else here can shed some light.

dolor · 13/12/2022 01:36

First of all - if you don't want her on the phone at night, then you need to take it off her. Secondly, you're going to have to ask her directly about this boy because his behaviour is revolting.

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:37

I really don't think I can tell her I've seen it. Any of it. Things are already very difficult for us, with her low mood and anxious behaviour.

But obviously I can't leave it knowing she's having these interactions with someone who is seriously taking advantage, and more importantly- is so worried about her own MH she's thought about suicide.

I am just lost. I'm lying in bed just so upset and worried for her.

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Valhalla17 · 13/12/2022 01:38

When dd goes to bed, her phone is turned off and given to you. I'm not sure why you are allowing the phone after bedtime.
You also need a chat with her about what is unacceptable behaviour at school and at this age. She shouldn't be snogging anyone at school at age 13 and no boy should be touching her like that. The boy may be manipulative but your dd needs to be told that she can stand up for herself and not put up with it. She's meeting him, so it's not just down to the boy is it..

The suicidal thoughts are worrying. Is this new to you or has she struggled with this before? Can you org something therapy with the GP perhaps?

dolor · 13/12/2022 01:39

If you don't talk to her about it, it'll get worse, there's no room for hand wringing here this is your daughter being touched inappropriately by a boy.

Valhalla17 · 13/12/2022 01:40

Some therapy*

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:47

Valhalla17 · 13/12/2022 01:38

When dd goes to bed, her phone is turned off and given to you. I'm not sure why you are allowing the phone after bedtime.
You also need a chat with her about what is unacceptable behaviour at school and at this age. She shouldn't be snogging anyone at school at age 13 and no boy should be touching her like that. The boy may be manipulative but your dd needs to be told that she can stand up for herself and not put up with it. She's meeting him, so it's not just down to the boy is it..

The suicidal thoughts are worrying. Is this new to you or has she struggled with this before? Can you org something therapy with the GP perhaps?

She uses the phone as an alarm and has been quite sensible with it, so we've allowed it to continue. she had limits on her apps etc, but recently had an iPhone and the limit app wasn't working. Since then I've spotted her on the phone later and later.

It's definitely time for it to be out of the room - which it has been for the last 2 nights tbf. Tonight she was so low and upset, that I didn't feel like she needed it taking away, as she was going off to sleep - then went in and it was on.

In terms of the boy. She's encouraging meeting him! He's very very popular, and she's desperate to fit in. I have very open and frank chats with her about these things, and she knows I wouldn't find it acceptable.

However, the messages he sent and the things she told the other boy were quite clear how manipulative he is. Shutting her down, ignoring her and belittling her when she didn't agree to meet, or didn't let him touch her.

The worst part of that, is the last messages to him were her begging him to reply and that she was so sorry.

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LincolnshireYellowBelly · 13/12/2022 01:49

Why is this the first time you’ve looked at her messages? She’s 13 and a child. Phones and the internet are very dark places.
you need to develop an understanding between her and you that you can check her phone at any time - after all, I’m sure you’re paying the bill.
Because the routine of checking her phone isn’t established, there’s going to be hard discussions at first but she needs to know that you know what’s going on in her life.
Speak to the school about what is going on and make sure she knows how proud you are that she can say no

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 01:50

She's never mentioned suicide before, but has had anxiety related to emetophobia for a while. She had therapy sessions for it earlier this year, however, it was a waste of time as the therapist was clueless.

I think it might be time to go back to the GP.

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Valhalla17 · 13/12/2022 02:23

Get a proper alarm clock and keep the phone out of her room at night. It's very easy to get sucked into things otherwise (although I appreciate the irony that I'm messaging here rather late myself!). She needs her sleep, she doesn't need further drama and social media triggers at nighttime. My ds is 11 and I check his phone every week or so (he knows I do this). Not because I don't trust him necessarily, but so I can make sure he and his friends are treating each other respectfully. Phones and social media are a huge % of pre-teen/teen issues in my view, so me checking is non-negotiable

Definitely a trip to the GP to sort out some talking therapies, her confidence needs tackling so she's not seeking validation from boys like this...she needs a better therapist

autienotnaughty · 13/12/2022 03:30

If you don't feel a direct talk will help. Look at accessing counselling for her and maybe try to have a conversation about consent. You could share the 'cup of tea' analogy with her

SomeBeings · 13/12/2022 05:16

Get her an alarm and also get the parental controls on the IPhone up and running. They will work, if you aren't sure how then get someone to show you.
Can you afford for her to see a therapist?

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 08:57

Thanks all. Phone will definitely be out of reach from now on, don't worry.

She reluctantly went to school today , and I've spoken with school to arrange another meeting with them.

I can't really afford therapy, but will have a ring around today and see what I can find.

Low mood is also certainly associated with her periods, as things are so much worse before she's due on.

I felt so awful this morning sending her to school, she was desperate to stay at home and has already text asking to go home 😞

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Balloonsandroses · 13/12/2022 09:04

Actually I might be tempted to go and get from school. I think you need to fess up that you’ve looked at her phone and talk openly to her about your worries - she might find that easier to hear if she knows that you’re listening to what she needs too and bring her home even just for today.

Beamur · 13/12/2022 09:05

You don't need to tell her about looking at her phone.
It sounds like she is dealing with the boundary pushing boy quite well, but maybe try and make some time to just talk to her generally and check in with her.
The messages about how low she is must be hard to read. You say she is anxious and sad though, so you know she's having a hard time - again, time to talk and maybe get some help.
Good luck.

Beamur · 13/12/2022 09:06

Seeing the bit about her wanting to come home. Maybe now is a good time to do that and dig a bit about why she doesn't want to be at school?

OldWivesTale · 13/12/2022 09:14

You should fetch her from school and talk to her. She's 13 and she needs protection. I know it's all so, so hard. You have my sympathy.

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 09:22

School refusal is quite bad atm, and get attendance is very low, so I'd really like her to stay in school if possible.

I've sent her some supportive messages and told her to seek out the pastoral lead for her year group if she needs to. I am waiting a call back from him this morning.

Linked to other post - I suspect she may have adhd (dad has it), as she ticks many of the boxes. She even told me this weekend she'd seen something online which made her think she might have it.

I think this, coupled with the generalised anxiety and boy issues are all feeding into her low mood and reluctance to go into school - which is affecting her work and school experience and just compounding the problem.

When we speak about how she's feeling, or what the issues are, it's a brick wall. She says she doesn't know what the feelings are (and/or can't express them). I think this is where good therapy will be useful.

The therapist she saw earlier in the year told her in her first session that she had a lovely life and should be happy - that she was used to dealing with teenagers who were being abused, and that she was 'fine'. 6 sessions of time wasting and minimising.

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Beamur · 13/12/2022 09:26

That therapist sounds pretty rubbish.
You can have all the comforts you need in life but still have mental health issues.

Original poster
Troubledteen · 13/12/2022 09:40

She absolutely was. My daughter went there for support with emetophobia, and the therapist hadn't heard of it - even though that was the sole purpose of the referral.

At the end of the 6 sessions, she still didn't know what it was or didn't help to give her any coping strategies. It totally put her off seeing anyone, so I need to tread carefully in finding someone useful. I have no idea where to start tbh.

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