My 18yo ds has got his new gf pregnant but I’m only 36 and I’m ashamed to say I’m disappointed

Mickymedic · 2022-12-12T20:38:35+00:00

Hi I feel totally ashamed of myself to be writing this I was 17 and pregnant had my son just as I turned 18 and now 3 weeks after his 18th and 4 weeks into a new relationship he has told me she is pregnant and I feel totally ashamed but I feel a bit deflated and disappointed I just wanted more he was on track for an American scholarship in June he plays football for a professional youth team! I’ve never even met the girl but already I’ve had him crying with her threatening he will never see it! Any advice anyone?? I’m gonna be a Nan at 36 I have two younger kids both with special needs too! Aita for feeling disappointed?

starrynight21 · 12/12/2022 20:43

He only met her 4 weeks ago and she is already pregnant ?

DutchessOfMuck · 12/12/2022 20:44

Hand hold op 💐

Its perfectly fine to feel disappointed. I was in the same situation not that long ago. I went through a period of grief for what might have been.

Take each day as it comes

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/12/2022 20:46

I don’t blame you for being disappointed. It isn’t the end of the world however, although it might be the end of the scholarship dream. Does your sons dad see him, is he involved in his life?

userxx · 12/12/2022 20:46

You're his mum of course you're going to feel disappointed. 4 weeks isn't even a relationship, it's still dating territory. Does the girlfriend definitely want to keep it ? How old is she ?

BCBird · 12/12/2022 20:47

I can understand you feeling upset. He is not the only person responsible for the pregnancy,she is too. It is very young. You know the challenges that they will face. I hope you can get some sort of resolution to this. Take care of yourselves.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 20:48

4 weeks into a new relationship he has told me she is pregnant

Ummm... Sounds dodgy. He needs a DNA test.

FairlyIncognito · 12/12/2022 20:51

I agree I would suggest a dna test given it is so soon and stress that it’s simply for that reason, that it does seem extremely soon.
and I’m sorry for your stress , I would feel disappointed too

Peacelily38 · 12/12/2022 20:54

I would also gently suggest a DNA test.
I wouldn't want that for my son either your feelings are perfectly valid.

Valhalla17 · 12/12/2022 20:54

He could still undertake the scholarship OP, in fact its probably a good thing so he can create a future for himself and the child (if they decide to continue with the pregnancy). Given theyve only known each other 4 weeks, id also ask for a dna test when the time is right to be honest, but maybe I'm a cynic! I've seen it happen a few times, so I'm always a bit suspicious...

Original poster

Mickymedic · 12/12/2022 20:55

Yes his dad and I split when he was one but he has had gone twice a week since plus extras for holidays or special occasions, we still Work together but so far I’m the one one who knows, I have no idea her stance as I’ve never met her and she wants it all
kept hush and swore my son to secrecy even from me (but he told me) the thought did cross my mind of dates too it’s a very close margin I believe she’s the same age or a month or two younger. I suppose I feel guilty because it’s like I have no right when I had him at that age but that’s exactly why I feel like I do!

OP posts:

crosstalk · 12/12/2022 20:56

Sounds odd. Is it 4 weeks into a new relationship (she wouldn't definitely know she was pregnant) or were they seeing each other before?

I'm sorry for you, your DS and his new GF. You don't want history repeating itself though you've done well, your DS could have a bright future but his new GF seems to have no such prospects and a baby on the way and threatening him he'll not see the baby.

I would do a round table discussion with you, him. GF and parents. It's a hateful question but is it his? Why can't he go for his mind and sport expanding possibility in the US? Who can provide for her? does she work and have similar ambitions? It's tricky but you can go to college with a baby and there's some support.

Peacelily38 · 12/12/2022 20:56

I also agree with PP about him still doing the scholarship.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 20:57

You must encourage your son to go ahead with the scholarship. It would be madness for him to miss this opportunity.

Spacebears · 12/12/2022 21:02

I completely understand that you feel disappointed. Like you, I had my child at 17 but that's something i really wouldn't want for my child. We all want our children to do better than us but unfortunately sometimes life doesn't work out that way. Just have a honest frank talk with him (& her?) about what having a baby entails. Make sure they know what they are getting into completely. If they don't change their minds in the end, all you can do as a mother is support your son tbh. Make it clear he needs to continue with his education though absolutely.

Screwcorona · 12/12/2022 21:04

I'm sorry but I don't think it's OK to be upset at you being a grandma at 36. This is happening to your son, not you.

Agree with pp dates are a bit dodgy, dna test would be a good idea. Would be worried about scaring the girlfriend away though, as she's already threatening he can't see baby ? Is that correct

Would the scholarship mean he goes abroad? Is that what you would be happy with as a mother? For the father to be absent? The dna needs straightening out before the opportunity is missed, but if the baby is his surely supporting him to support his child is the best for the baby

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2022 21:04

I have been in your shoes of being a teen mum. I was 19 and found out I was pregnant 2.5 months into our relationship. I’d have been heartbroken if I’d been asked for a DNA test because I knew without the tiniest bit of doubt who the father was. He was an amazing partner to me and still is now we’re married. We both finished our degrees even though that meant him staying away during the week.

My mum cried and was really upset for ages. Not at me but that I was in the situation. If one of my DDs told me they were pregnant at 18, I’d be disappointed for their missed opportunities.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2022 21:06

Missed the bit about her threatening no contact. Unless there is some massive backstory to why she said that, that’s not fair. It’s also concerning when they’re so new in a relationship. I’d be encouraging my child to end the relationship but take responsibility for his child.

DutchessOfMuck · 12/12/2022 21:09

It's good that he can be open with you and tell you things @Mickymedic your son is going to need to more than ever now.

NameChange1718 · 12/12/2022 21:10

Honestly doubt it’s his if they’ve only been together than long

Wakk · 12/12/2022 21:10

She wouldn't know after 4 weeks would she? Unless she got pregnant immediately.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 21:14

Of course you have every right to feel upset.

I too had my DD as a teen and I want more for her life than getting pregnant early and having a much harder life than needs be.

It is still early days and anything can happen.

The only thing you can do is support him and be there like you wish your parents were when you got pregnant.

Penaltyshootoutfan · 12/12/2022 21:15

Wakk · 12/12/2022 21:10

She wouldn't know after 4 weeks would she? Unless she got pregnant immediately.

Yes it’s generally a two week wait. So it’s feasible

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 12/12/2022 21:16

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2022 21:04

I have been in your shoes of being a teen mum. I was 19 and found out I was pregnant 2.5 months into our relationship. I’d have been heartbroken if I’d been asked for a DNA test because I knew without the tiniest bit of doubt who the father was. He was an amazing partner to me and still is now we’re married. We both finished our degrees even though that meant him staying away during the week.

My mum cried and was really upset for ages. Not at me but that I was in the situation. If one of my DDs told me they were pregnant at 18, I’d be disappointed for their missed opportunities.

2.5 mths and 4 weeks are hardly the same thing. Heartbroken would be an extreme reaction to a perfectly sensible cause of action for all involved in this case. If you had a son in the same situation wouldn't you want to be sure it was his baby?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2022 21:19

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 12/12/2022 21:16

2.5 mths and 4 weeks are hardly the same thing. Heartbroken would be an extreme reaction to a perfectly sensible cause of action for all involved in this case. If you had a son in the same situation wouldn't you want to be sure it was his baby?

Show quote history

Heartbroken would have been exactly how I would feel. I was 19 and pregnant. I was scared and emotional. My DH telling me that he would be there for me no matter what was what I needed to hear from him.

I’m not saying it’s out of the realms of possibility that it’s not his. I’m not saying he shouldn’t check. However, it may damage their relationship. It’s his choice whether he wants to take that risk.

SarahAndQuack · 12/12/2022 21:19

Some of these responses sound as if they're badly written lines on a soap opera.

Of course pregnancy tests work before 4 weeks! Come on.

If this is a teenage girl and boy, surely they need support and care. Do the girl's family know? Is it possible for you all to meet up?