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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bedtime!

26 replies

Mum1715sc1613 · 11/12/2022 11:05

Looking for some advice, ds 17, dd 15… dd likes to go to bed early so takes herself up whenever she’s tired… ds would stay up all night. Husband (not their dad) likes an hour before bed with no kids around so we can chill together; the routine was upstairs at 10pm, lights of by 11ish…
ds is now resisting this, he’s at college and works and sometimes with my shifts might not see each other until 9pm. He doesn’t want to go upstairs at 10… he wants to stay down and feels he should be able to as he’s 18 in 4 months… to be fair I agree to an extent, yes I would love some quiet but I also like to see my children, I do however want to see my husband….
needless to say last week brought 3 nights of arguments over this with my husband and son falling out, him storming up to bed and me being stuck in the middle of them both:

tried to explain to his and that maybe we go upstairs earlier and watch tv upstairs but he’s having none of it…..

just wondering what people’s thoughts or experiences of this were….

should also mention son is neurodivergent and can be very demanding of me

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 11/12/2022 13:25

Your husband is being very unreasonable. He should go upstairs rather than banishing your son upstairs. He is also too old to have a lights out

mumonthehill · 11/12/2022 13:30

You DH is unreasonable. An 18 year old in their own home should not be banished to their room. This is so sad especially when on here so many of us want our dc out of their rooms conversing with us!

Lovestodrinkmilk · 11/12/2022 13:35

The downstairs should be treated as a communal area, available to everyone living in the house. You should be able to agree on what you are doing downstairs. So no one person dictates whether TV or music are on/off or which channel. If someone wants to do their own thing or wants privacy they should go upstairs to their own bedroom, which should be considered sacrosanct private space. Both teenagers are too old to be told when to go to bed/lights out and noone should be banned from downstairs in their own home. Be blunt with your son when you want to spend private time (upstairs) with your husband. And be blunt with your husband when you want to spend time with kids (he can join in or not ) or on your own.

Survey99 · 11/12/2022 13:39

You are essentially telling your children their company is a chore, they are annoying or they are not wanted. What a horrible thing to say to any person in your home never mind your children, your son is older now and trying to tell you how hurtful this is and you still let your dh treat him in this way. Wow.

Don't be a wet lettuce and get stuck in the middle of arguments. Tell your dh he is being an arse and you will not allow your children to be treated so poorly in their own home.

gianfrancogorgonzola · 11/12/2022 13:43

You can’t send a 17 year old to bed! That’s completely unreasonable

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 11/12/2022 13:45

Dd1 is 18 in a couple weeks and I can’t imagine telling her to go upstairs at 10pm. She most goes up before that by her own choice, but at this age it’s really up to them.

your DH will have to be happy with watching to upstairs or put up with the kids around.

watcherintherye · 11/12/2022 13:47

I reckon your dh is struggling with the realisation that your dc are more important to you than he is. And if they’re not, they should be.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/12/2022 13:48

A 17 year old shouldn't have a bedtime / lights off time

I think its pushing it for a 15 year old too - especially lights off time.

Survey99 · 11/12/2022 14:12

watcherintherye · 11/12/2022 13:47

I reckon your dh is struggling with the realisation that your dc are more important to you than he is. And if they’re not, they should be.

I think that is the problem here. They haven't been, and the eldest is starting to push back against it now. 3 nights of arguing over this with a child and not stopping to think how they could be feeling is shocking.

There is probably a world of hurt built up in that child growing up with this undertone of a step father that doesn't want them in the same room as him in their own home and a mother who entertains this dysfunctional family setup.

cptartapp · 11/12/2022 14:19

I have a 17 year old DS. I would love him to sit with us now and then in an evening, As it is, he prefers to be upstairs and puts his light out when he's ready, usually around 11pm but that's up to him.

excelledyourself · 11/12/2022 15:31

Your husband sounds quite horrible, OP. That's your sons home too, and you are his mum. If he wants to spend time with you, let him. Im sure he's not living in your pocket 24/7. Maybe your DS wants one to one time with you? Why does your DH's wants trump your sons?

Also, are you a stepparent? Your username would suggest so? So what's the set up there?

CremeEggThief · 11/12/2022 15:35

Your DH is being ridiculous. 17 and 15 are far too old for "bedtimes". When I was 15 I often used to stay up all night until 7 or 8 am if I felt like it, in the holidays.

sheepdogdelight · 11/12/2022 21:49

Agree with others that you can't insist on teens of this age having a bedtime. I bet if you left them to themselves, they wouldn't be downstairs every night anyway so essentially you've turned something into an argument that didn't need to be one.

Original poster
Mum1715sc1613 · 12/12/2022 06:19

Thanks for all of your comments…
I should add, he has raised them from being very small, he is a great dad and otherwise they have a great relationship… ds is very challenging, amazing but hard work… when he was younger we had to insist he went upstairs for some brain space, as I mentioned earlier he is very demanding mostly of me and bedtime used to be my breathing space so that I could reset for the next day…
i think the whole thing with my husband is he hasn’t really thought about them getting to this age….
to add just after writing this they both stood and baked, built and decorated a gingerbread house. so it’s not all bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum1715sc1613 · 12/12/2022 06:21

Absolutely agree with this… I think the second plus day of argument was borne from stubbornness and I feel sure he actually wanted to go upstairs 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum1715sc1613 · 12/12/2022 06:22

sheepdogdelight · 11/12/2022 21:49

Agree with others that you can't insist on teens of this age having a bedtime. I bet if you left them to themselves, they wouldn't be downstairs every night anyway so essentially you've turned something into an argument that didn't need to be one.

Absolutely agree with this… I think the second plus day of argument was borne from stubbornness and I feel sure he actually wanted to go upstairs

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 12/12/2022 06:23

YOUR TEENAGERS WANT TO SPEND TIME DOWNSTAIRS WITH YOU???
Nah!

Bagpuss2022 · 12/12/2022 06:25

I would love my 18 year old to spend more time with us downstairs our 13 year old does to a degree it’s been lovely having the World Cup we have all sat and watched it as a family I’m going to miss it when it’s over and I can’t stand football.
it’s not like he’s coming in at 11pm drunk and being loud my 13 year old has a bedtime of 10pm but even that’s flexible for an almost adult it’s ridiculous

carefulcalculator · 12/12/2022 06:27

The answer is for you and your DH to go to bed early.

I can get this feeling at weekends at times if we've been together the whole day, I just want some quiet time. So I say I'm tired and go for an early night. The youngest still comes in for a chat but it is less full on!

I think your DH is in the wrong here. Your son is an adult, basically.

Original poster
Mum1715sc1613 · 12/12/2022 06:31

Survey99 · 11/12/2022 14:12

I think that is the problem here. They haven't been, and the eldest is starting to push back against it now. 3 nights of arguing over this with a child and not stopping to think how they could be feeling is shocking.

There is probably a world of hurt built up in that child growing up with this undertone of a step father that doesn't want them in the same room as him in their own home and a mother who entertains this dysfunctional family setup.

Show quote history

Thank you for you comments… in reference to your previous post I am not a wet lettuce….

there is not a ‘world of hurt’ and please do not refer to my family as ‘dysfunctional’
we have struggled as I’m sure many families have with dealing with blending two families together, on top of that dc has had many health issues, mentally and physically and tbh until you are living that life you cannot comment on the strains that come with it. Coupled with a cost of living crisis in which we are all trying to keep our heads above water… I think they just clashed. Yes he is being unreasonable and believe me, he knows how I feel about it…
but again thank you for taking the time to comment 🙂

OP posts:
PorridgewithQuark · 12/12/2022 06:40

My 17 yo eats with us then goes to her room, but usually returns to the living room when I come back down from putting 12 yo DS (who's dyslexic and still likes me to read to him) to bed. She then often goes to bed after us. 15 yo DS takes himself to bed before us on a school night but at weekends he uses his computer time for PC gaming from 9pm to midnight then if we're still up comes downstairs, but if we've gone to bed he goes too. As long they have absolutely no battles about getting up on time in the morning this suits us.

We reclaim the TV in the living room after dinner though - during the day and before dinner the 12 and 15 year old mostly hog it. 17 year old has a TV in her room - nobody else does although 15yo can use his PC as a TV (he only does that to watch football though).

As long as there are no issues with getting out of bed in the morning set bedtime decided by parents sort of fades out at around 14 I think. Your husband is a bit unrealistic.

Living with adults is hard though - it is a big adjustment to living as almost but not quite a houseshare with adult offspring rather than with young teens.

AlienSupaStar · 12/12/2022 07:08

@Mum1715sc1613 just wanted to say that you sound like a good mum. Not sure why some
posters are being so harsh on you.

I totally know the feeling of needing to decompress. And my eldest is only 9! I am in for it, aren’t I?!

Rather than clashing with the teens is there any way you and DH could focus on carving our adult time? Yours are old enough to leave at home - could you go for a walk (maybe NOT when it’s snowing!) or go out for an hour or 2 on an evening? Or go upstairs together and leave them to it? I think it is not a bad thing that your husband wants to spend time with you to be honest so that shouldnt be stamped on.
it just needs to be managed. Also without any reference to the neuro diverse issues which i am not qualified to comment on - is there any way you can start to strategise around making your son a bit less demanding of your time. Sounds like things are quite full on for you with shift work, cost of living stress, teens, unhappy DH. Just remember you are a person as well and you deserve time to yourself as well as time with your DH and also time with your DC but you have to be very intentional about juggling it all and that starts with being boundaried and clear about your own needs as well. Hope this makes some sense.

💐

AlienSupaStar · 12/12/2022 07:11

Sorry for typos 😳

*carving out adult time

OldWivesTale · 12/12/2022 07:12

Your husband is a complete dick. You can't send an adult to bed because you want them out of the way. I can't even believe this. I might have guessed he wasn't their dad.

FallingsHowIFeel · 12/12/2022 07:18

That’s ridiculous. Your husband is completely unreasonable. Your son is almost an adult, the days of sending him to his room are gone. Do people really live like this? I’m not sure this can be real.

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