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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How often do you make your teen come on family days?

30 replies

justanothermanicmonday21 · 09/12/2022 11:18

Not sure what to expect teen DS is always out with friends which is fine. Last weekend I asked him to come to the farm with us as we were going early evening and I wasn't comfy him making his way home to an empty house in the dark que him refusing and saying how unfair I am - I understand he is a little old but I promised a hot choc and actually once we were there he was running round with the younger siblings and then didn't want to come home - there is stuff geared towards older kids there. I unplugged internet, put it in my bag and he reluctantly came. Monday we went out after school to a family activity the older ones all enjoyed and he was happy with this. Tuesday and Wednesday he saw friends. Thursday I had a light trail planed had told him to come home in the morning because of this and he was fine. After school he then said he didn't want to come and kicked off again because I think his friends were going into town and he wanted to. I said no again because we would be out for dinner and late. He kicked off and refused to get in car. I took phone he was even worse, was rude to my dad when he tried to intervene so in the end I said we'll go without him but I was taking his phone and eventually he came after a lot of persuading.

Should I of just let him stay? I feel like I need to put my foot down a little. It's harder because I'm a single parent so I am playing good and bad cop with no back up, his dad is a little involved but not as much recently since he got into new relationship and him and dad were quite close and I think he's struggling with this, not wanting to go to dads new gfs (where dad is living) either - and I know his dad speaks badly of me and there's just no coparenting support at all so I can't ask his dad to have a word as he would agree with son. He is very much golden child with his dad.

I'm at a bit of a loss what to do I don't want son to be manipulative to get his own way but I do know teens are selfish so do I let it go a bit and hope he comes out the other side a decent human?

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 09/12/2022 11:29

Most teens prefer their friends to their family but he has been willing to go to some things and cheerfully joined in which is good. It is always harder for the oldest as parents don't want to let go of the family outings with everybody together scenario. How old is your teen13? 15? 18?. If he's 13 t me ake the most of this year where he is still coming to a lot. If he's 15 I think you will have to let him choose. Not fair to expect him to tag along with younger ones when he wants to be elsewhere. This was done to me. Yes I sometimes was ok when I got there by it was still resentful when I heard next day of the great time my friends had been having at cinema/bowling alley/ hanging out. The consequence was that a year down the line I refused point blank to go to anything. Compromise is key 💐

magicalorange · 09/12/2022 11:33

How old is he?

Ponypitter · 09/12/2022 11:36

I would let him stay. My experience of being a teen is I pulled back from all family days at that age and after a couple of years I realised how much I loved my family and how important it was to me and never pulled back again.

Remaker · 09/12/2022 11:44

How old is he? You wanted him to go away for the weekend then out with the family again on Monday and on Thursday? Do you usually arrange so many activities? My kids would have cracked it and demanded to stay home no matter what age they were. They are 16 and 14 now. If they’re not with friends they’re happy to hang with us at home. We may go out as a family a couple of times a month. In between we do what we enjoy, so 3 of us might go somewhere while the other stays home.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 10/12/2022 08:38

If he’s 13 then my answer would be entirely different compared to if he was 16! We need to know the age of the teen first. Don’t force your 16 year old into doing activities he’s not happy to do because he will end up resenting you for it. However, a 13 year old would be different

BellePeppa · 10/12/2022 08:57

Your teen could be thirteen or eighteen, it would help if you gave that pertinent bit of info for context.

Minniem2020 · 10/12/2022 09:02

As others have said ,this would very much depend on his age. I let my 16 year old decide if she wants us to join us for things or not. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't fancy it so I leave her to it. I definitely wouldn't force her.

Venetiaparties · 10/12/2022 09:07

l think you are coming down too hard and need to sit down and compromise, which ones is he willing to consider and meet in the middle. Only ask him if it is super important to you. Taking his phone away is not ideal, he is going to be a strapping man soon! You need new strategies and the best ons that work with teens is discussion and compromise, picking your battles and listening to them.

I know of no teen that would enjoy a farm and a light trail, but the cinema, laser tag, bowling, sports, surfing in the summer, teen stuff are likely to be more popular.

Venetiaparties · 10/12/2022 09:07

Too many typos! Sorry :)

pictish · 10/12/2022 09:08

How old?

13 is different from 15 is different from 17.

Mrspatmoressouffle · 10/12/2022 09:25

If you want to spend time with your son perhaps do any activity he wants instead of one geared at younger siblings and expecting him to just go along

WandaWonder · 10/12/2022 09:27

Mrspatmoressouffle · 10/12/2022 09:25

If you want to spend time with your son perhaps do any activity he wants instead of one geared at younger siblings and expecting him to just go along

Excellent point!

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 09:43

How old is he?

In general, I am not surprised he was unwilling to do yet another ‘family’ activity that was not if his choosing and that he wasn’t involved in planning.

Friends and socialising are of huge importance to teens.

Your current tactic of withdrawing phone and trying to force him will drive him away from family life.

piesforever · 10/12/2022 09:56

My 15yo is not allowed out on school nights due to homework and sports. At weekends she can see her friends maybe once or twice then we usually have a family activity or outing.

DangerousAlchemy · 10/12/2022 09:56

OP we don't have enough info. How old is your teen & how young are his siblings? My DS about to turn 15 & has been v busy with his mates for last 12 months. I'm happy he has a lovely big group of nice friends & even happier I know all the parents/have their numbers (mostly kids from his football team). My DD on the other hand (18 & just finished first term at Uni) doesn't have a big group of friends from her old school/home & is also shy/introverted/anxious. I worry about her more. I think don't plan so many activities in a row with your kids. Mine like to lounge around at home a lot & sleep in late. Mid teens is a tricky age ime.

Gwdihooooo · 10/12/2022 10:02

Mrspatmoressouffle · 10/12/2022 09:25

If you want to spend time with your son perhaps do any activity he wants instead of one geared at younger siblings and expecting him to just go along

Absolutely this!!

Although I understand it can be hard! I have a13yr old boy and a 9yr old girl. The 4yr age gap can be difficult sometimes when tailoring activities for them both. But we have a set routine each week of climbing wall one evening, running another evening and then mountain biking/hill walking on the weekend. These are a must (unless someone’s feeling like crap!) for all.
Anything else is optional, for example Santa came round our village the other evening which dd and i chose to follow for an hour. I asked ds if he wanted too come and he actually said yes! Which i was surprised but pleased about. He got bored after half an hour and made his own way home.

pictish · 10/12/2022 10:44

Asides from anything else, it’s not joyful to force anyone along on a fun activity when they don’t want to be there and they’re determined not to enjoy it. It spoils the day for everyone.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/12/2022 11:15

@piesforever rather strict for a 15 year old!

Tirrrrred · 10/12/2022 11:17

Why would you ask without giving an age?

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday21 · 10/12/2022 13:52

Sorry I thought I'd put his age. He is 13 and in year 8. So only just a teen!

The farm was only for a couple of hours we didn't leave till 3:30, as I said in the end he really enjoyed it and didn't want to leave. It's like the initial getting him out the house. I also want him to have a relationship and be included with us all, it can't always be about him.

Siblings are 11,9 and 3 so it's a bit tricky with the younger one juggling by myself. The older three are all at the same stage actually if anything the middle two are more adventurous than eldest. It would be great if I could do things they all liked all the time but the reality is sometimes he will have to do things he's not keen on and compromise just the same as the 3 year old will sit round for 2 hours while he goes go karting etc.

Perhaps two things in one week was asking too much but generally it's once a month it's just been a bit busier with Xmas and also the fact it's getting darker earlier too it makes it trickier.

Interesting most people think I am unreasonable in taking the phone so I will take that onboard and perhaps that was a bit too harsh.

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 10/12/2022 14:03

I think you are trying hard to achieve a good balance and it's good that you are taking comments on board. I agree it is too harsh to take his phone. We all use our technology all the time now and are lost without it. Taking a teens phone is usually used as a punishment when they've done something wrong. To take it when he doesn't want to come isn't fair. He hasn't done anything wrong, just made a different choice to the one you prefer. Taking his phone is pretty much punishing him for not coming . as in ...well if you are not going to come and have fun with us I will make sure you don't have fun with your friends at home. We all communicate through our phones now so it's like come with us or be non communicate with anybody else. Teens are a mine field op. Choose your battles and keep the taking phone thing for when he really does something wrong 💐

rookiemere · 10/12/2022 14:20

13 is a tricky age as they are too young to leave to their own devices for long periods of time, but old enough to want to pull away from activities they previously enjoyed.

I say make him do one big Christmassy thing, but let him not do everything. Or maybe try positioning it as he's helping you with the younger ones, rather than it being portrayed as a treat for him.

rookiemere · 10/12/2022 14:22

Also a lot of these activities are expensive, so I wouldn't be rushing to pay for a teen who won't enjoy them.
It's natural he wants to spend time with his pals as well.

SuperCamp · 10/12/2022 16:57

It’s hard for 13 year olds because they are still emotionally very young, secretly upset about growing up and being less under Mum’s wing…while simultaneously outraged that they can’t have full grown up freedoms.

I don’t think half past 5 is too late for a 13 yo / Yr 8 to come home alone. It’s normal here for secondary age to come home from school and be left to their own devices until parents are in from work.

Involvjng and welcoming into family events is good, forcing him and punishing him for not wanting to, not so much.

Original poster

justanothermanicmonday21 · 11/12/2022 00:07

So say I was going out with the others for dinner say till about 8/9pm would you feel if 13 year old didn't want to come it would be fine to leave him alone for that period of time? And to sort his dinner.

OP posts:

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