How often do you make your teen come on family days?

[justanothermanicmonday21]

Not sure what to expect teen DS is always out with friends which is fine. Last weekend I asked him to come to the farm with us as we were going early evening and I wasn't comfy him making his way home to an empty house in the dark que him refusing and saying how unfair I am - I understand he is a little old but I promised a hot choc and actually once we were there he was running round with the younger siblings and then didn't want to come home - there is stuff geared towards older kids there. I unplugged internet, put it in my bag and he reluctantly came. Monday we went out after school to a family activity the older ones all enjoyed and he was happy with this. Tuesday and Wednesday he saw friends. Thursday I had a light trail planed had told him to come home in the morning because of this and he was fine. After school he then said he didn't want to come and kicked off again because I think his friends were going into town and he wanted to. I said no again because we would be out for dinner and late. He kicked off and refused to get in car. I took phone he was even worse, was rude to my dad when he tried to intervene so in the end I said we'll go without him but I was taking his phone and eventually he came after a lot of persuading.

Should I of just let him stay? I feel like I need to put my foot down a little. It's harder because I'm a single parent so I am playing good and bad cop with no back up, his dad is a little involved but not as much recently since he got into new relationship and him and dad were quite close and I think he's struggling with this, not wanting to go to dads new gfs (where dad is living) either - and I know his dad speaks badly of me and there's just no coparenting support at all so I can't ask his dad to have a word as he would agree with son. He is very much golden child with his dad.

I'm at a bit of a loss what to do I don't want son to be manipulative to get his own way but I do know teens are selfish so do I let it go a bit and hope he comes out the other side a decent human?

The leaving him in depends on how comfortable you are at that stage. How mature he is. How far away you would be. I don't think the sorting his own dinner thing should be an issue. Not having a 'proper' meal now and again won't hurt him. Most families have scratch type meals at busy times around weekday clubs occasionally. At thirteen he should be capable of micro waving scrambled eggs or beans on toast cheese sandwich ext fruit yoghurt after. Sorted. No harm done. His choice. If you all come back after something delicious and the others cheerfully describe their choices he might fancy it next time 😃

I wouldn’t make him go even if he’s 13 let him stay at home

He's very mature for his age and is capable of sorting his dinner so I'm not worried but there has been a time in the past when his dad got funny about me leaving him at night time which is why I now am a bit wary of it and also don't want to deal with the agro.
At 13 I was cooking full meals and doing my own washing and probably slightly on the verge of neglected although lived and had a happy childhood where as ex was very pandered too which is why sometimes I'm not sure on my own judgement

That's a lot of activities in one week, and actually they aren't really family days out are they - they are something that's essentially for the younger ones and you expect him to come too. I think your issue is that you/DS haven't yet graduated to treating him like a teen rather than a younger child.

In answer to your question - we have a family day about once a month and we get the teens buy in that it's something they want to do (or happy to come to because they accept that we don't always want the same things). We give them plenty of notice and try to work round any plans they have.
Other things (such as everything on your list) we would say "we're doing this" and leave them to decide whether they wanted to come or not. We've found that being non pushy actually means they decide to come to more things than we often expect.

I can't see any issue with leaving a 13 year old until 8/9 at night. Some 13 year olds are babysitting others.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I've spoken to DS and apologised for my overreaction to him and we've talked it out and about how we can do things moving forward we are all happy with. Parenting is so blooming hard at times, especially when they get so grown up all of a sudden and everything changes.