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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter lied about staying at friends house

33 replies

Mother1682 · 30/11/2022 18:44

My 16 year old daughter has recently got a boyfriend (6 weeks ago) and has been spending all her spare time with him and when they arent together they are on facetime. This is her first boyfriend. I raised it with her that i was worried it was getting too serious too quickly. This resulted in an argument and we have now agreed she can see him twice a week however he wont come to our house as he doesnt like the rules we have set so she always goes to his house. She asked a few weeks back if she could stay at his house overnight and i said no. She has now asked if she can stay at her friends house this weekend but i said no as she is working early next day. She asked if she could stay the following night and i offered to pick her up the next day but she said she would make her own way home. I questioned her on this and asked if she was staying at his house and she never answered and just stormed away and now wont talk to me. Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this situation? TIA

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 30/11/2022 18:46

So she's old enough and mature enough to have a job but not a boyfriend...

ncnc22 · 30/11/2022 18:47

You sound quite strict.

Beamur · 30/11/2022 18:48

First love. Very powerful feelings going on here.
Talk to her about why you are suggesting they maybe slow down a bit. It may be pointless. How old is the boyfriend?
Is she on contraception? If not, I would talk about that.

doodleygirl · 30/11/2022 18:49

Your daughter is 16, at that age she really needs to be allowed her own autonomy without your rules. I understand you want to keep her safe but you are just pushing her out and she want come to you when she really needs to.

Why does it matter if she stays at her boyfriends?

MarshaMelrose · 30/11/2022 18:53

I wouldn't like my 16yo daughter to be staying over with a guy she's only known for six weeks. I get wanting yo be with your BF all the time but I think it's easy for a 16yo to feel pressured to do things, especially these days when certain behaviour from girls is almost expected from boys. You protecting her from that is a good thing.

MATHRD · 30/11/2022 18:54

Hi OP, this is tough because your baby has just grown up seemingly overnight and your reaction is one of fear- fear she'll get hurt, fear she'll get pregnant amongst other things.

Take a step back. Remember being 16. The best thing you can do here is explain your boundaries and make sure she has contraception. My parents were even stricter than you but you know what, I still had sex when I was 15.

I'm not saying you should condone overnight boyfriend visits- at 16 that's quite grown up - but the questioning about where she's going, whether she has work, picking her up... you need to loosen the reins. In less than 2 years she may be living away from home at Uni- let her test the boundaries now, with the security of a safe and open relationship with her mum!

Ramble0n · 30/11/2022 18:56

You need to back off a bit. She will lie because you are too strict.

DohaDragon · 30/11/2022 18:57

Dd was certainly staying overnight at her boyfriend’s at 16yo. I made sure she had condoms. 🤷🏻‍♀️

JemimaTiggywinkles · 30/11/2022 18:58

What rules have you set for your house? It might be that they are genuinely too strict, but equally if they're reasonable the fact he won't come over is a red flag.

Either way, staying over with a boyfriend of 6 weeks is way too late intense at that age.

Overgrowngrasslady · 30/11/2022 19:00

Will his parents be there? Personally I think you risk alienating her . Why can she only see him twice a week. That’s so bloody random it’s just odd

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 30/11/2022 19:01

Once I was in sixth form and had a job my parents let me make up my own mind about whether I was out too late for work the next day. School nights I had a curfew, but if I wanted to go and be a waitress with a hangover at the weekend/in the holidays then that was on me.

I also lied to my parents about where I was staying many a night at that age. So did all of my friends. Id say that's pretty standard. Not because my parents were especially strict about boys or anything but because I normally was sneaking into clubs and places I wasn't old enough to legally be in. And when I got a boyfriend I wanted to be with him all the time... it didn't last. Nor did the next one. I would chill with being so strict, I imagine that's not encouraging her to tell you the truth tbh.

In two years she could be at uni at the other end of the country. Relax a bit.

AnonyMum21 · 30/11/2022 19:01

Actually twice per week to see each other isn’t very often… (or do they go to school together too?)
Im wondering what are the other rules that her BF isn’t comfortable about at your house? Trying to be kind here - but maybe you are picking the wrong battles, being too strict?

As other have said, do check contraception is in place - and recognise that if they do want to have sex it doesn’t need to take place in his home on a sleepover

Runmybathforme · 30/11/2022 19:03

Have you discussed contraception with her ?

Quveas · 30/11/2022 19:06

MarshaMelrose · 30/11/2022 18:53

It is impossible to "protect" I.e. prevent, a teenager from doing anything. Unless you lock them up forever. You can pretend you have. That'll feel great until it doesn't. Only approaching this from a "be safe, be sensible, decide for yourself and not others " will work.

Overgrowngrasslady · 30/11/2022 19:06

The twice a week thing is disturbing me too, it’s far too controlling .

op you need to work with your daughter, show trust, teach responsibility, how to have balance . You can’t dictate and control . It always causes damage, this girl is going to finish school and she’s going to run and not look back

Overgrowngrasslady · 30/11/2022 19:07

Yes and what are the other rules you’ve put in, do they need to sit in the living room or something,?

Venetiaparties · 30/11/2022 19:09

In your place, I would invite him over for dinner and get to know him. Show that you care about her choices and feelings. Contraception and safe sex discussions. You have to assume she is going to sleep with him.

She is young but the best you can hope for is to get her to slow down and take her time.

TheBakingBee · 30/11/2022 19:15

If this boy is too scared to come to your house he’s not mature enough to have sex.

Chewyspree · 30/11/2022 19:17

I agree 100% with @Venetiaparties & @TheBakingBee

waterrat · 30/11/2022 19:19

At 16 i had a boyfriend was madly in love and wanted to be with him all. The. Time.

I think you are strict.

They will end up having sex in a park

Lkydfju · 30/11/2022 19:19

What are the rules at yours that he doesn’t like? Twice a week at 16 probably feels very unfair to them

SomeChickensAreJustTooBig · 30/11/2022 19:21

I used to do that when I was a teenager. You sort of have to lie to your parents a bit to live a life, at that age.

RheanaT · 30/11/2022 19:22

No way would I allow my 16 year old DD to stay overnight, I can't believe majority of posters on here would encourage that and calling you strict !

MarshaMelrose · 30/11/2022 19:24

Quveas · 30/11/2022 19:06

Show quote history

You can't prevent it but you can lower the likelihood.

GelPens1 · 30/11/2022 19:26

Is she in Year 11 or in college? How old is the bf? If they’re both in college then it’s totally normal for her to go out with her bf. What rules do you have in your household that are so unsettling that her bf doesn’t feel welcome? The more strict you are, the more sneaky and reckless your Dd will be.

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