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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS14 disrespecting teachers

32 replies

Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 13:52

I just had a message from one of DS's teachers complaining about how he speaks to her and that he is not being respectful. This isn't the first time. A few months ago we had a similar conversation with a different teacher. After the first incident, his dad and I made it clear that it wasn't acceptable and he was banned from gaming for a couple of days. I was hoping that would be that. There is some context in that we suspect DS has ASD. His dad almost certainly has - his sister is a specialist nurse for people with ASD in another European country & she is convinced he is on the spectrum- and DS shares many of the characteristics. I am not sure whether or not to try and get him a diagnosis, or whether to discuss it with the school. I don't want to make excuses for unacceptable behaviour- but then again, if struggling with social interactions and appropriate interactions is part of being ND, maybe the school should be aware. Help!

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PeekAtYou · 25/11/2022 13:57

Did the teacher give specific examples ? Best case scenario is that he's doing something that he doesn't realise is disrespectful and could do with someone telling him that his words or actions come across as disrespectful.

Last time he was in trouble, did he accept he was disrespectful or did he take the punishment without question ?

Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 14:43

She wasn't very specific, no. Just said he had a bad attitude and had spoken to her with 'such disrespect'. Knowing him, I can imagine it. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong and it's difficult to convince him he has...

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Dotingmumandgranny · 25/11/2022 14:49

Having ASD doesn't give him carte blanche to be disrespectful to his teachers. Ask for specific details.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 25/11/2022 14:51

Have both teachers been female? There is a shocking amount of misogyny among teen boys.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/11/2022 15:00

You need specifics. You can't founder around trying to work out what's going on.

MilkToastHoney · 25/11/2022 15:03

I’d find out from the teacher exactly what was said, that way you can see if it’s ASD related or rudeness.
People with ASD can come across as rude when they genuinely don’t mean to.

I’d definitely look to get him assessed/diagnosed.

Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 15:56

Right. DS is back from school & I have had his side of the story. They were in a classroom near the lunch hall. The lunch bell had gone and the teacher was chatting to another student about a subject unrelated to the class. DS said, "Please may you stop talking about (subject unrelated to class) and let us go?" Because he was keen to get to lunch and nor have to queue for a long time.

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Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 15:57

'not' rather than 'nor'

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DenholmElliot11 · 25/11/2022 16:03

Yeah, that IS disrespectful. He should have waited for the teacher to dismiss the class.

Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 16:06

DenholmElliot11 · 25/11/2022 16:03

Yeah, that IS disrespectful. He should have waited for the teacher to dismiss the class.

I agree, but I am struggling to get him to see why it's disrespectful.

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amylou8 · 25/11/2022 16:08

Well that's pretty much what anyone would be thinking in that situation. It doesn't sound to me like he was being disrespectful, he just lacked a bit of brain to mouth filter. I'm ASD so is my eldest son. I still inadvertently say stuff like this sometimes.

Hobbi · 25/11/2022 16:16

'I don't want to make excuses for unacceptable behaviour... oh, hang on, it seems I do.'

Snnowflake · 25/11/2022 16:31

Interrupting teachers conversation.
Telling her to stop her conversation.

it’s teacher who decides when to dismiss everyone not a pupil.
teacher is pin charge not him.

can you rerun the scenario at home to try to explain.

romdowa · 25/11/2022 16:55

I've asd and it's exactly something I would have done as a child 🙈 in primary school the teacher told us that at 11 we would stop doing one subject and switch to another. Come 11 and we were still doing the original subject, so I told the teacher it was 11 and we were supposed to switch subject. I got in so much trouble and I couldn't understand why! The teacher told us we would switch at 11 and In my mind I was reminding her to be helpful.
I'm always amazed that it took 30 odd years for anyone to see I'm autistic 🤣

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 16:59

You do not mention what he is like to you and your dh?

for 2 teachers to contact you re his disrespect suggests there’s weight to the comment

Cas112 · 25/11/2022 17:03

Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 15:56

Right. DS is back from school & I have had his side of the story. They were in a classroom near the lunch hall. The lunch bell had gone and the teacher was chatting to another student about a subject unrelated to the class. DS said, "Please may you stop talking about (subject unrelated to class) and let us go?" Because he was keen to get to lunch and nor have to queue for a long time.

That is so rude. She is the teacher he is the pupil, he needs to understand that

Meem321 · 25/11/2022 17:13

Typical ASD. Speak to the SENDco at the school. ASAP and also your GP.

Was it 'rude'? Not really up there with misogynistic teens that I've worked with. If what he relayed was true, then he was clearly just anxious to not lose any of his lunch break.

HotPenguin · 25/11/2022 17:20

I don't think that's especially rude though it depends on the tone of voice he used. I would have thought it was more appropriate for the teacher to acknowledge it was time to go and suggest a more polite wording than "can you stop talking". But a call home seems ott.

MilkToastHoney · 25/11/2022 17:24

I agree, but I am struggling to get him to see why it's disrespectful.

This sounds typical of ASD. I’d arrange a meeting with the SENDCO plus see your GP and ask for him to be put on the pathway.

hotelpink · 25/11/2022 17:25

I am not sure whether or not to try and get him a diagnosis,

Well if you suspect he is autistic of course he should be assessed. There is no argument for not doing so.

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:26

All these “I don’t think it sounds rude”

well the 14 year old isn’t exactly going to be the most objective when it comes to how rude he was and his version.

2 teachers have contacted the op re his rudeness

i am inclined to think they have better things to do than to contact parents and exaggerate situations just for shits and giggles

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:27

Why would you not get him assessed? Doesn’t seem as though he’s managing it well so what’s the harm?

Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 17:45

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 16:59

You do not mention what he is like to you and your dh?

for 2 teachers to contact you re his disrespect suggests there’s weight to the comment

He is quite lippy, but does do what he's asked, after he's had a moan about it. I have had to have words about tone often. He's also quite sarky.

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Original poster
Bedbouncer · 25/11/2022 17:48

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 17:27

Why would you not get him assessed? Doesn’t seem as though he’s managing it well so what’s the harm?

I haven't up till now, despite suspecting for a long time, because he has seemed to be getting on fine. He's academically able and has a few good friends.

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MissBPotter · 25/11/2022 17:55

Did he really say ‘please may’? Because most teens don’t speak like that, especially those that teachers consider lippy or disrespectful. 14 year olds can be really horrible to teachers, much worse than that.

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