Help. She is pregnant!

[Kath36]

So here goes I have a 19 year old daughter who has consistently gone from worse to worse with the 3 bf that she has had. She no longer lives at home as was moved out of the family home by the domestic violence team. Thsts a whole new story. So she had a decent job in a hospital tgen met the current bf. It's been a year and quite frankly he is the pits. She has announced she is pregnant to say I'm devastated is no lie. Its not so much the baby it's him. He doesn't work sponges off of her. He is lazy and a heavy weed smoker. He lies and she believes everything. He has manipulated her in such a way I never thought woukd be possible. He has tried to isolate her from the family and plays the poor me routine with her. He is just vile. This weekend was a farce as he accused me of bad mouthing him to family. All hell broke loose. No family member like him and we all know he won't be sticking around but she won't be told she won't listen to reason. He spoke to me in a way I've never experienced and I wasn't the only one. 2 of her cousins got it to. She keeps saying I want everyone to be civil etc no one wants to look at him let alone talk to him. I just don't know how to navigate through this. He truly is the worst of the worst. Likes to threaten me that I'm not seeing baby etc. They can't look after themselves at mo without my input for food gas etc and yet he slates me while eating the food I've put in. I just don't know what to do or how to handle it I'm terrier for her long term future and fear for her when her bubble bursts. What woukd you do?

Stop financially supporting them for a start.

I'd be taking the focus off him and focus on building a healthy and supportive relationship with your daughter. You can't make them do anything, but you can make it clear that you will always be there if/when your daughter sees sense and needs support. Check in with and see her regularly, take an active interest in her pregnancy and offer advice when she needs or asks for it. It's difficult but if you go to war with thus guy, she may very well turn her back on you and end up in a terrible situation and feeling like she can't go to you.

I have no experience and i would frel similarly outraged and desperate in your shoes. She is an adult but still such an inexperienced one. I remember at her age i wanted to make my own choices even if that meant mistakes, but often i was glad when my mum was there for advice, love, her constant unwavering support so i knew if it all went wrong, i could turn to her.

I think that has to be your answer. Back off with the horrible partner but zoom in behind/around/underneath to support your dd. He may well try to turn her against you but her rational brain will tell her the reality - 'mum has only ever tried to help and support me.'

The fact her bf is an a*hole is something she will have to find out for herself. She will sadly have to go through some pain to get there.

She needs your help to plan practically - how will the finances work? How will she get back to work after the baby is born? Help her structure her finances better so her bf cannot sponge off her so easily and when he ditches or they split, she can pick up the pieces.

Also try to help her by being interested and excited about the baby - the baby is an innocent and it's likely your dd is somewhat anxious in what she must know deep down is a precarious situation. Take her to lunch, take her for walks away from her bf, and help her think through what she will do about her bf's weed habit. He cannot smoke around the baby. The HV will do a home check and if they smell weed they won't be impressed. So what will she do?

Just be there for your DD. Don't bad mouth her OH as that will only make her pull back from you.

She will need to find out why he is by herself - all you can do is to be there for her when she needs you.

I would stop supporting them financially though - why are you doing that? She and he claim they are a partnership and they are about to bring a baby into the world, so now they need to demonstrate that they are the adults they claim to be by standing in their own two feet. This might help her to realise more quickly that he’s no prize catch!

They can't look after themselves at mo without my input for food gas etc and yet he slates me while eating the food I've put in.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you - stop financing this situation. Don't speak about him in any way, especially critical, or to him- just focus on your daughter.

Nothing you say will change her mind. You just need to be there to pick up the pieces. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be around for long anyway. And gree to focus on building a positive relationship with daughter

i agree with stopping financially supporting them. As PP have said, you can build a good relationship with your daughter completely separate from him, take her for lunches or dinner etc, show an interest, don’t however provide anything that could give him any ounce of comfort and that includes food, he’s a grown ass man, he can feed himself from his own pocket.

I think you’re right, that he may not be sticking around when the going gets tough, which would be a blessing for Dd

Her bf should be held accountable for his abuse- nobody has to put up with that

In the meantime, I would keep building a bridge between Dd and yourself, and offer support, but only within what is reasonable for your situation, and while also remaining detached, as much as possible, from her nasty bf.

Are you able to speak to her one to one to find out her how she is feeling and what her thoughts are ?

Stop funding their life, and be ready to catch her when he leaves. I know it’s hard, but try not to be too critical or she may not come to you when she needs you. Absolutely no ‘I told you so’.

Just back off drop the financial support

Confrontation and involvement just feeds the drama

Sending hugs OP, you must be worried sick about her. Sounds a very difficult situation. No advice, but I can empathise completely. Good luck.

I've been there minus the baby situational thankfully. I can't even imagine how stressful that is!. We had social services and police involvement with my dd and her violent bf. Started when she was 16 till 19. She too was moved into a dv refuge. But she took him back time and time again. I'd put her gas/electric on, take bags of food, take her to job centre appointments,docs, tidy her flat as she lived like a pig honestly. but in the end I just had to say no more and take a massive step back. That was the hardest thing. But while I was providing her (and him I suppose) with everything they needed then they weren't helping themselves. She needed to hit rock bottom and see the situation for what it was.

She's a mom now in her mid 20's. Works. Has a nice partner who looks after them.

Hope it all works out ok for you all.

She no longer lives at home as was moved out of the family home by the domestic violence team.

What does this mean? She or her partner were violent or she is the victim and you failed to protect her? This seems very relevant to her now predicament and how and if you can help her going forward.

I had exactly this situation, I could have written this , except he fooled us a bit in the beginning he had a job.
He then gave up work due to mental health issues, obviously not hi fault if genuine but he never sought help.
I felt I couldn't stop financial help because the baby would suffer.
They split up when baby was two , she's doing very well now.
He sees him once a week.
It's a bloody nightmare, I'm sorry you're going through it.

This is good advice

Hi. Thanks for all your advice. I guess in my own fears I left out some information. Her previous bf used to be violent with her. It was kept from us. I didn't like him for how he used to take her money and she willingly gave it to him. Then one day she arrived home early in morning full of cuts bruises and a bloody nose. That was the end. Police involvement and dv team got involved. He threatened to burn my house down follow her to work etc and she was moved against my advice and wishes. When this one came along I did like him at first he worked and treated her like a queen. Welcomed him into my home and family then things changed. He has got his feet under the table. Can't work or won't work every excuse in the book he has. He spends his money on weed and she trying to support both. She quit her job on his advice at the hospital. Last month she got herself a new job and waiting for start date shoukd be any time now waiting on dbs. I swear her head is in the clouds. As much ad I say I'm not doing anymore it kills me to know she not eating etc. A big argument broke out at weekend and I can't even begin to say how he spoke to me or her 30 year old cousin. She defends him all the time no matter what. Denied every crying to any of us etc yet text me to say she don't agree with how he spoke to me but won't say it in front of him. I absolutely don't want anything to do with him but she is desperate for us to like him. It's not happening. I am known as the calm one in my large family but I am making myself ill over this and I fear for her and now this child. I'm so lost.

Just to add my dd makes one bad decision after another and never listens. Her dad left when she was 3 and has always tried to make him be a dad he just wasn't interested unfortunately. My partner now has pretty much raised her from 5 years old. I fear she craves the perfect little family. We all know he will go he just doesn't care about her at all. He has a go all the time if his washing dine or she makes to much noise and wakes him at 3 in afternoon.

I would tell her that she is very welcome to have food and showers at your place. I would also tell her that he will never set foot in your place. She won't be able to take food back for him either.

She really needs counselling, having had such bad experiences with men.

I’d stop the financial support as guessing when this happens he will bugger off and look for someone else to sponge off.

The best way to get rid of him is to stop bankrolling their life. No more money.

You're going to have to be cruel to be kind. Stop financing their arrangement. She's an adult and about to be a mum, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and, by removing the bankrolling, you'll remove him too. At that point you can look to rebuild with your daughter and help her on her way.

You've two choices at the min - keep going with the money and support and have her reliant on people forever more or stop it all in the short term to teach her a valuable lesson about independence.

Stop giving them money - they can claim benefits if they need to - and I'd stop engaging with anyone who yelled at me while living off my donations. Just be prepared to pick up the pieces this loser fucks off and leaves your DD and her baby in the lurch. It's a mess, but she's 19 so you can't really do much to intervene in her bad decisions. You can, however, stop enabling them through financial support. So do that.

Whilst all your feelings are valid, there's nothing you can do but stay supportive of your daughter and be there for her if it all goes south.

I was always told its my life to ruin and those words stuck, but she was always there for me no matter what.

Stop the money. It’s harsh and goes absolutely against the grain, but as long as she has money he will be there as he is gaining from your contribution. Agree with others in that as soon as the money stops and things get tough, he’ll get going. Be there for your daughter but explain that you just can’t afford it at the moment and that her Bf will have to take up the slack. He won’t of course and you will have to step up and pick up the pieces when he’s gone, but sooner he gets gone the better for you all.