The ‘I don’t know ‘ phase or is it?

[PlumPudding03]

My son is 15yrs and has always been an active lad and a team player. He has a good circle of friends and is a lovely lad however, lately I’ve noticed a change in him…not just boundary pushing attitude but he’s now decided to give up two of his primary activities without actually knowing why he’s not doing them anymore. He just can’t give us a reason why he doesn’t want to do them. One is a sport which is ok I can understand that he likes playing but he’s not competitive enough to carry it on. But the other activity is a twice weekly thing that really does provide him with fantastic experiences and opportunities that we wouldn’t be able to provide as parents. His Dad and I just can’t get our head round his sudden decision……what’s he going to do now? He doesn’t want to join anything else and he’s not allowed to go out without a solid purpose.
I suppose my problem is that I don’t understand when he says “I don’t know” to almost everything and for the confident lad he is and very intelligent his decision making sucks….he just cannot make one that seems plausible. Yesterday morning in the car already for a Remembrance parade which he was participating in the conversation was about his lack of enthusiasm as to why he was there and did he want to step away from this group and if he did make the decision there and then…..all he did was go …”um um um ok let’s go home”
his Dad was fuming but we left before anyone saw us. Still he hasn’t told as ..why! Tonight he has to go to his unit and hand in all the uniform and they will want to know..why. Will he say “I dunno” it breaks my heart I feel bereft and I’m worried … he doesn’t seem depressed everything is going well at school his Dad and I are at a loss ! Sorry I’ve gone on for ages I’m just trying to make sense of it all. Xx

My DS1 is 16, he is still playing football but several of his team mates from last year have given up. So I think this is quite common. The "reason" is probably just that several of his friends have stopped? But he won't tell you that, maybe because he thinks you'd say "don't be silly, of course you can continue even though x has stopped". Maybe a new younger group has come up from cubs and the activity feels a bit babyish now?

Maybe he just doesn't enjoy it?

What does "he's not allowed to go out without a solid purpose" mean?

Is he actually confident? Or is it just a front?

Hormones during puberty do all sorts of anxiety inducing things, perhaps he is feeling like the typical teen "I don't fit in here anymore"? He might not really understand it himself.

Maybe speak with the Scout leader and see if anything has happened and whether he seems happy when he’s at Scouts.
He could be starting to worry about his GCSEs and the time he’ll need to revise?

I don't know what you mean when you say "he's not allowed to go out without a solid purpose " but it seems a bit draconian for a 15 year old lad who might want to muck about with his pals and play a game of football. Friends are so important at that age.

I'd really back off a bit - I get you are worried and disappointed about him giving up activities, but asking open questions with just one of you rather than both might be a better way to go.

If he's still doing ok at school and seems happy in himself, then try not to worry too much.

Yesterday morning in the car already for a Remembrance parade which he was participating in the conversation was about his lack of enthusiasm as to why he was there and did he want to step away from this group and if he did make the decision there and then…..all he did was go …”um um um ok let’s go home”

Who started this "conversation"? Were you both poking at him? Your son doesn't have to explain everything or express enthusiasm for everything he does. If he is doing the right thing then why does he need to display enthusiasm about it to make you and your husband happy? It wasn't enough for you that he went along, he had to look keen otherwise your husband got angry with him?

Sounds as if he made a sudden decision because your husband told him to decide. If you didn't want him want to make a snap decision then why would you ask him to decide then and there? Your husband needs to calm down and take a step back.

Your son says "I don't know" because (a) he doesn't know and (b) his parents wont be satisfied with whatever answer he gives.

he’s not allowed to go out without a solid purpose.

Er - what counts as a "solid purpose"? In two years time he will be 18 and he may be living away from home. If he's away at university (rather than say the army) there will be no-one at all checking up on why he is going out. That's going to be a very big jump from where he is now.

It might be as simple as he just wants some
time doing nothing. Sport plus twice weekly
scouts and school and homework probably adds up to being quite busy. Whether this is a true problem of withdrawing or just a simple want for more downtime is hard to tell from your posts. Maybe he resents having to have a purpose for everything and does want some time to just be.

It’s frustrating though as probably in his 20s and 30s he’ll look back at all the stuff he could have done with scouts and see how much harder that is to sort yourself. Youth is wasted on the young!

Sorry, I misread as 16 not 15. You have a bit longer to start the shift towards adult indepedence. Good luck!

You're putting way too much pressure on him, it's an awkward age. I'd keep encouraging him to go to the activities unless he shows a strong opinion against. They tend to default to ambivalence so if you push him to make the decision then of course he's going to say no. Whereas if you say no, you have made the commitment, you need to do it, then he'll probably go along to save a fuss. Let the group leader worry about how enthusiastically he is participating; they probably have lots of experience of 15yos reluctant to do anything that will make them stand out from a crowd.

And I would drop the expectation that he has to be "doing something" to go out. Yes at 15 it's fair to want to know where he's going to be (friend's house, town centre, cinema, etc) but you don't need a minute by minute breakdown of his plans. Teenagers tend to be spontaneous and they need that freedom to start learning what they do and don't like.

It means going out with friends and just walking about and hanging about outside shops and Mac Donald’s. If there a purpose like playing footie etc then yes it’s fine.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Unfortunately you haven’t got the gist of my post and all is good there’s no poking or prodding and father doesn’t need to back off but he’s entitled to have his say as a lot of preparation went into his uniform so he could of told us both well beforehand. We are very laid back and normally we all communicate and have lots of laughs. It’s just a worry I have no one is annoyed just worried/concerned.

Thank you x

So he was dressed in the car ready to go to the Remembrance parade? And somehow you caused a situation where he had to make a decision there and then?

Of course he wanted to go, he was up and dressed. Doesn't matter if he isn't full of excitement or enjoying it how you think he should.

What's wrong with hanging out with his mates?

I think they get to an age when organised activities are just not seen as cool. My DS was always desperate to fit in and gave up scouts quite early, he did stick at football though. I would be happy that he's been able to take part in some fun activities but not push him to go anymore if he doesn't want to.

I think you also need to flex a little on not letting him out without a purpose. Hanging out with mates is a big part of being a teen and it's important that he has some freedom and is allowed to build your trust.

Very good point. Most teens won't get up or dressed for something they don't want to do. Even something they do enjoy when they are there - DS has early morning gym training for rugby twice a week - can cause moaning and groaning.

Rereading the OP, one thing you absolutely cannot do with teens is back them into a corner, no good will come of it. In the Sunday morning scenario it sounds very much as if your DH lost his temper. Surely just ignoring any moaning and groaning, bringing him there and having the wider discussion about scouts on another occasion would be a better option. Might have led to the same result, but it's good to understand why they do what they do.

I had a similar situation a few months ago when DS announced he wanted to give up rugby. Before I could stop myself I came out with - well you don't do anything else, what are you going to put on your personal statement for university- and off he stormed. Once I re engaged my brain I had a proper chat where I asked open questions and said mmm a lot. Turned out if was just a specific country wide thing he was in and wasn't enjoying as he wasn't one of the elite players and he was happy to continue with school rugby.

I'd recommend reading "How to talk so teens will listen" and "Get out of my life - but first bring me and Alex into town"

Thank you VioletCharlotte x

Thank you Rookiemere x

POINT 1…When I said his Dad was fuming it was a well controlled fuming no verbal argument from either of us we were our usual calm selves as we don’t raise our voices we don’t need to normally. More annoyance than anything as our son had plenty of opportunity to say something earlier.

POINT 2… He can hang out with his mates but not to walk round the streets there’s much they can do and parks for a kick about etc. Bowling/cinema etc are all allowed. That’s what I mean about a purpose and I see nothing wrong in that.

Point 3… I didn’t cause a situation (Ducksurprise) it was very clear he was conflicted but the lack of enthusiasm so I asked him what he wanted to do.

my worry is he’s gone from a normally social dependant young lad to one who now keeps saying “I dunno” every time he’s asked a question or needs to make a decision. Bit like when you ask what they want for tea….I dunno

thank you for all your comments. X

For someone that doesn't shout you sure like your capitals

Point 3…I didn’t cause a situation (Ducksurprise) it was very clear he was conflicted but the lack of enthusiasm so I asked him what he wanted to do.

Why, why did you start needling him when he was ready, dressed (I assume in uniform) and in the car? Of course he has no enthusiasm, he is a teenager, and anyway how much enthusiasm for a Remembrance Day parade do you expect?

did he want to step away from this group and if he did make the decision there and then

Why did he have to make the decision there and then, he was dressed and going.

Parenting teenagers is as much looking at your behaviour as theirs, it isn't easy but if you think only they are at fault it will never get any easier. Rookie example is great, the parent had to re engage their brain, and ultimately we can not change another person only change how we communicate with them.

If I get the dunno answer I generally say he does but he doesn't want to tell me. Then I leave it alone.
Maybe your son feels cornered now and doesn't know how to tell you or is afraid to tell you because he fears your reaction.

Is it scouts or cadets? If Scouts, he may prefer to go to cadets as it’s more ‘grown up’. Either way, I don’t think it’s fair that you put him on the spot like that and said he had to decide there and then, of course he’s going to push back and want to go home. DS (13) is a cadet and to be fair, he lacked enthusiasm yesterday as he had to get up at 7:30 on a weekend to get there on time! That’s doesn’t mean he wants to give up forever.

as for only allowing him out to do activities with a “purpose”, he’s 15 ffs, hanging out with his mates is a purpose!