The ‘I don’t know ‘ phase or is it?

[PlumPudding03]

My son is 15yrs and has always been an active lad and a team player. He has a good circle of friends and is a lovely lad however, lately I’ve noticed a change in him…not just boundary pushing attitude but he’s now decided to give up two of his primary activities without actually knowing why he’s not doing them anymore. He just can’t give us a reason why he doesn’t want to do them. One is a sport which is ok I can understand that he likes playing but he’s not competitive enough to carry it on. But the other activity is a twice weekly thing that really does provide him with fantastic experiences and opportunities that we wouldn’t be able to provide as parents. His Dad and I just can’t get our head round his sudden decision……what’s he going to do now? He doesn’t want to join anything else and he’s not allowed to go out without a solid purpose.
I suppose my problem is that I don’t understand when he says “I don’t know” to almost everything and for the confident lad he is and very intelligent his decision making sucks….he just cannot make one that seems plausible. Yesterday morning in the car already for a Remembrance parade which he was participating in the conversation was about his lack of enthusiasm as to why he was there and did he want to step away from this group and if he did make the decision there and then…..all he did was go …”um um um ok let’s go home”
his Dad was fuming but we left before anyone saw us. Still he hasn’t told as ..why! Tonight he has to go to his unit and hand in all the uniform and they will want to know..why. Will he say “I dunno” it breaks my heart I feel bereft and I’m worried … he doesn’t seem depressed everything is going well at school his Dad and I are at a loss ! Sorry I’ve gone on for ages I’m just trying to make sense of it all. Xx

Not able to wander about with mates. That must be horribly awkward for him having to pressure them all to pay for a set activity or come up with one to please his parents. I hope they can all comfortably afford these activities, including the stress of having to schedule and plan what should be their down time.

A lot of kids start dropping organised activities around age 10-12 as they prefer bonding with friends and enjoying their new independence.

Uptight parents often lead to kids who feel unable to share their feelings and reasoning as they know their parents hold particular standards that are not aligned with what they want/feel. If a teen can't walk about with friends he's not going to say he wants to stop scheduled activities to just hang out with friends like all the other kids do. He won't want to make you feel bad, or instigate a lecture about why he should be XYZ thing that he isn't.

In some places he is in the verge of being an adult (at 16 in Scotland), it is your job now to advise him not control him. If say he can't leave cubs/scouts of whatever without a "solid reason" I am not surprised he is not opening up to you.

ds(18) dropped activities around that age, I told him it was his decision, but we had a conversation, one of many about how important to his physical and mental health interests were, the types of struggles as a teen he will have, the decisions he will have to make and how he could always talk to us. He tried the drinking in the park, but as expected he liked the idea of being cool but it wasn't him as he hated all the drama around drunk teens and although we went occasionally he made the right decisions to not let his life revolve around it and find other friends.

Surely you want to have those type of conversations, advising and supporting him, rather than you holding on too tight and what is happening now?

ds(18) is now at uni has a healthy relationship with alcohol (for a teen), a steady relationship with a lovely girl, enjoys going to the gym/swimming/circuit training regularly for fitness, works PT, drives etc You need to talk to them where their choices will take them, then let them make them, they learn from their own successes and even more from their mistakes at this age. They learn nothing from what they are forced to do.

"his decision making sucks"

No, his decision making is absolutely fine. You just don't like it.