Hi op, I have teen daughters not sons, but I have some experience of teenage meltdowns.
And they are awful.
So you have my complete sympathy.
It’s really draining to be walking around on eggshells like this.
He isn’t a monster although I know it feels like he is possessed by one atm.
A couple of things stand out from your post:
— his sensitivity to heat and noise in the restaurant.
I echo what others have said about potential neurodiversity.
There can be a lot of masking at school which « blows » when they return home.
Schools naturally have a vested interest in collectivism and being able to treat every
pupil the same and for these reasons,
they often overlook neurodiversiry. Adolescence is a time when differences can become more pronounced.
— his use of video games.
Has it got out of hand? To the detriment of his school work I mean? Can you put more controls in? It’s quite late to do this but you are still paying the bills.
There was a great thread on here the other day where a mother described her controls on tech but I can’t find it.
It involved everything being set on timers to avoid arguments.
Easy though it is to say, try not to take his behaviour personally. His limbic system and his frontal cortex haven’t merged yet, so he is bad at perceiving other people’s feelings and points of view. So he literally cannot understand how much he is upsetting everyone. And his outward behaviour is a reflection of how he feels internally.
The waitress episode:
Was he actually rude to her in terms of being verbally rude, or would he not look at her?
(Difficulty with eye contact is another
sign of neurodiversity btw.). Or have
you considered he might be chronically self conscious?
Either way, his behaviour is giving you a message. « Back off, I am stressed, I need space. ». So in some ways I would step back and focus on your other dc and yourself for a bit. Let him retreat a while. Calm everything down. Try not to raise your voice.
Your dh needs to be setting an example and getting a grip on his temper. He is literally teaching your son that it’s ok to over-react and have meltdowns
Keep very reasonable and as unemotional as you can. Just focus on one thing at a time.
And choose your moments, and your battles, very very, carefully. For me, reducing
time spent gaming would
be high on the list (but you know much more about this than me). And getting exercise. Then tackle revision.
This is a phase. Things will improve.
It will be fairly hellish in the meantime, so get yourself some rl support. Do some exercise and self care and start a hobby.
Don’t underestimate the fact that just by being there, acting as a « shock absorber » to his rages, you are helping him a lot.
That’s not to say that he doesn’t have to learn to regulate his emotions instead of taking them out on everyone else - he really does
- but I agrée with pps that he may need some professional therapy to help with this so don’t be afraid to seek outside help.
But if that’s out of the question, then maybe you could find him a cooler, older, male mentor? Or encourage him to join some sort of sports or hobby group outside of school and home?
Hang in there op. I know atm you are looking forward to when he’s old enough to leave home - I get it - but he needs you to stay strong and hang in there while he rages.
In some ways, he needs to see you can handle it. In other ways, he probably just doesn’t notice or care because his thoughts are entirely elsewhere. So tell your dh and his siblings to ignore and move on with what you want you are doing and set that example yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with your son but don’t be afraid to move away and say « I want to talk to you about this when we have both calmed down » 