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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage tantrums are tearing us apart.

40 replies

6setsofpaws · 12/11/2022 11:51

My son is in year 10. The past year he has turned into an absolute monster. He has full blown tantrums where he hyperventilates and let’s off this awful sound unlike anything I have ever heard before. The problem is these tantrums are getting worse and more frequent. The latest was when I asked how his day at school was yesterday. We used to be a nice normal family able to enjoy days out, now I’m reluctant to even go for a meal out because of how vile he behaves. Last time we went for a meal out he was so rude to waitress refusing to even look at her when he ordered. The he was constantly moaning. It’s too hot, it’s too noisy ect. I was so embarrassed. These tantrums make it so no one can talk to him. It’s worse then the terrible twos. I don’t bother to plan family outings anymore because it just ends with him having a tantrum over nothing and everyone else so stressed out. This is putting so much strain on relationships with my other two children and my husband. I hate myself but during his latest tantrum I thought that as soon as he’s 18 I can kick him out the house. I hate what he is doing to us all. You can’t talk to him about anything and I know he is going to fail his GCSEs but he doesn’t care. All he cares about or will talk to people about without a tantrum is whatever video game he is currently playing. I’m at the end of my rope. And to make matters worse I have a daughter is only a 2 years off before it starts all over again. The idea of two of them like this makes me wish I had never had children. Please tell me there is hope.

OP posts:
Oojamaflipp · 12/11/2022 13:37

It sounds like some kind of neurodiversity, but have you genuinely never seen any signs before now? Looking back, was there any kind of behaviour that was 'different'?

Only because it's typically not usual for this to come out of nowhere age 14/15, so I'm wondering if there were signs, but perhaps they were more subtle?

Quag2286 · 12/11/2022 13:41

Titsywoo · 12/11/2022 12:26

It certainly sounds like he is masking at school then having a breakdown at home!

Exactly this.

It does not sound like typical teenage behaviour at all.

mutationseagull · 12/11/2022 14:22

Sorry to be a pedant but a lot of posters seem to be misusing the phrase neurodiversity when they mean neurodivergence. Diversity is a property of groups. Neurodiversity is a concept that encompasses all neurotypes, it’s not a diagnostic label. Just as an individual cannot be “diverse”, individuals are neurodivergent, not neurodiverse. Signed, a neurodivergent person.

Mindthegap725 · 12/11/2022 15:22

Sorry to have got that wrong mutationseagull thanks for clarification.

I was trying to avoid being too direct so I was using what I thought was a broader term. Many apologies! Will avoid in future.

FMSucks · 12/11/2022 15:28

Hi OP. Like other posters, I was also thinking he may be neuro diverse. I am currently getting my DS12 assessed for ASD. The psychologist has told us that the report from school was glowing, yet there are tears and tantrums, grunting and sheer meltdowns every morning getting him in there. All signs are pointing to ASD which seems to be getting worse as he approaches puberty. I would not rule this out if I were you.

mutationseagull · 12/11/2022 15:28

Not to worry, it’s a common error that I see all the time!

itsgettingweird · 12/11/2022 15:33

6setsofpaws · 12/11/2022 12:11

Tried doctors but they said it’s just puberty. School say he’s a perfectly happy child with no
issues. He never shown any signs of autism before so I don’t think it’s that. I would love to find a way to give him what he wants but as I said it’s like he closes the door on his friends and then turns into someone else. 9/10 times he doesn’t even know why he’s having these breakdowns. It’s always worse after school but they always just say he’s happy. There never seems to be a reason that has a resolution which is why I’m just at the end of my tether.

That sounds like masking.

Imagine holding it together all day.

The minute he's in a safe space it all comes out.

The hyperventilating is a concern. That's more like a panic attack.

itsgettingweird · 12/11/2022 15:37

6setsofpaws · 12/11/2022 13:25

We run the gaming on a token system. Children earn time to game or mess around on tech by doing jobs around the house. I would never get my daughter off TikTok otherwise lol. He has no issue with the system. He tends to save his tokens for the weekends but he is never late handing in his tech when his time is up. He also knows that he gets an hour at a time max. He and his dad are great together normally. When he’s in a meltdown you literally have to raise your voice to be heard over the noise he makes. It’s usually us scream at him to breathe because it’s like he forgets to breathe and goes so red in the face. He does sea cadets and absolutely loves it. He’s just had a small freak out when his sister offered him lunch. She gave him two options and he did want them. I asked what he wanted and he started with the “I don’t know” repeatedly and was working himself up to the point he was going to start screaming. I told him we had his favourite beans and could have those if he wanted and he started to calm down. This is why I say these things are so unpredictable.

This was once my ds.

He's autistic.

It's panic. You want him to make a choice and he doesn't want either. That's confusing when you have communication difficulties. Then you add the pressure of making a decision when already stressed.

Then you offer him something and he can tolerate that. Calms down.

The gaming is another massive indicator. He can follow the rules - to the letter. He's calm when following clearly set out rules and boundaries.

Soontobe60 · 12/11/2022 15:42

Titsywoo · 12/11/2022 12:26

It certainly sounds like he is masking at school then having a breakdown at home!

Not all challenging behaviour is ASD!

Snugglemonkey · 12/11/2022 15:54

GreenLeavesRustling · 12/11/2022 12:03

That sounds atypical for teenagers. Has he ever been considered for social communication issues? Sometimes puberty is the time that autism etc gets harder for a child to manage.
The issues with too hot / too cold / too noisy sounds sensory to me. Also the noises he makes etc are unusual for teenage grumps.

have you sought any support from school ?

I thought this too. I would be pushing for an assessment.

Cameleongirl · 12/11/2022 15:59

i agree that this needs to be investigated further, this isn’t typical behavior. My DS is 14 and while he complains and moans sometimes, he doesn’t have tantrums. Neither did DD (17).

Tadpoll · 12/11/2022 16:05

bluejelly · 12/11/2022 12:00

Sorry to hear that sounds very tough. He seems young for teenage tantrums. Have you thought about taking him to a psychologist?

OP says he’s in Year 10, not 10 years old.

bluejelly · 12/11/2022 16:30

@Tadpoll I know I apologised further down the thread...
OP I would suggest asking the GP for a referral to a psychologist. You won't need to pay.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 12/11/2022 16:33

Don't take him on family outings that's hell for some teenagers they don't waNt to be with their parents at that age. Leave him at home. Try talking to him when he is calm

Itsonlyagame · 12/11/2022 20:26

Soontobe60 · 12/11/2022 15:42

Not all challenging behaviour is ASD!

Show quote history

No, but after school pent up emotions, 'perfect' behaviour at school and what appear very much like sensory issues is certainly cause for suspicion.

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