Ds physically intimidating

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Hi my 15 Yr old ds changed when he met girls secretive sly lying, depressed self harming, behaviour. have tried love bombing, grounding , getting family involved nothing is working. He went good for a month and now back to square one. Booked days out, he barricaded himself in his room today and wouldn't come out for fireworks because I found out he lied.

His gf is toxic in his ear all the time telling him crap. He uses his size against me as he is physically stronger and trys to intimidate everyone in the house.
Slams door and shouts at the top of his voice

At my wits end when does it get easier. I want him to leave the house for good.

Will not give me his phone, just can't cope with it anymore.

He split with gf for a few weeks and was really good. And this week met up with her again, I found out today and she's already telling him rubbish and his behaviour has gone worse.
back to square one. He has not come out of his room and I can't get in there. He is suppose to start a job tomorrow and I know he won't go now.
I actually hate my son his behaviour has been like this since he turned 14.
Have tried literally everything.

He met his gf at 14 they are sexually active as well. This is his first girlfriend and she has had many bf before him.
He had a incident n school and I hoped he had realised how toxic she is but it seems they are back on now.

School involved and he refuses to have Counselling what can I do? He is blaming me for everything. Because I questioned him on why he is lying.

OK there's an old joke, "how can you tell if a teenager is lying? Their lips are moving.".

What did he lie about? Why is lying such an issue for you? Who else is in the house? Why/how did he get the job?

Really think about you're relationship with him. He's using his power. Why? What's the unmet need?

Hi he lied about who he was going out with, yesterday and the day before, he has gotten back with toxic ex. And his behaviour has flipped a switch because I found out, shouting screaming slamming doors barricaded his door and hasn't come out.
The job is one that I got asked if I know anyone and a few weeks ago he wanted a job, now I don't think he will go.
He is suppose to be there at 11am.

He wants to be with his gf and after school incident we have told him no, this girlfriend had let other people msg racist things to him.via her phone because she was upset with him. They had actually broken up.
And he was calm for a month.
Last few days he been acting secretive again.
At home there is me my older son and my 9 Yr old.
I have told my older son to stay out of it as they will end up fighting. He's 2 yrs older.

Have you tried just talking to him? Having an adult conversation? Not having a go, questioning everything. Do it on neutral territory. Take him for coffee and cake and just chat, don't go straight in with questions, keep it really light. If you think he'll be reluctant to go, just say you think it will be nice to spend some time together and if you used to be close, say you'd like it to be like the good old days and will he humour you.
Accept that teenagers are secretive and won't tell you every little thing they are doing. It's normal and part of growing up.

Hi. This must be very distressing for you all. You say the school are involved,do they witness this sort of behaviour? I'm a teacher and I can tell you this is not uncommon. You say we said no, does he behave like this with others? Is there someone in the family perhaps extended,that he might listen to? Is there any possibility he might be smoking cannabis? It could account for mood swings. I'm a teacher,get back in touch with the school and see if they can support u any more. I remember living on this situation when my younger brother was a teenager. It was difficult for all the family. He came through it avd now at 50 is a father of 2 and an upstanding member of society. Take care

I have tried talking to him on numerous occasions, both my brothers have tried, I've taken him out, I've given him his space I've left him alone to calm down, his previous behaviour has been awful I've tried so many different things. He has just stopped listening.
He had finished with this girl and last few days got back in touch with her and bam behaviour starts again.
He has smoked weed, don't think he is at this moment though but she does. He is also vaping.
The school offered counselling my ds said no.
I have asked the school to give him counselling but unless he is willing they can't.
Cahms have been involved as he took a od in the summer after arguing with this girl.
I honestly hate his behaviour. I want him to leave this house so we can have peace.
I feel horrible to feel like this but really dislike him as a person.
He dosent know this is how I feel.

I called him out on his behaviour as its not right he treats everyone in this house like crap. He speaks to me like I'm nothing. He ignores his grandparents. And his uncles, Is horrible to his siblings.
But is only like this when he has spent time with her. I've seen previous msgs her egging him on to run out the house. To grow a pair.
I can't enable his behaviour anymore.

How old is his GF? She sounds like she has some fairly serious issues going on and has not been safeguarded by the adults in her life.

Do you know her parents? If you can get to the bottom of what her motivations are it may be a start to gain some insight.

You need to reframe this. He's in a toxic, abusive relationship but he's not yet able to leave. This is very common. Your anger and dislike is just going to drive him further away.

Stop dictating who he can and can't see. Stop punishing him for seeing his girlfriend. Stop imposing restrictions on his social life. Treat him with compassion and kindness even when you don't feel like it.

And have a long, hard think about what he's been taught about how relationships should be so far. What sort of partnerships has he been exposed to? Is he used to seeing adults treat their partners with contempt and disrespect? Has he witnessed abuse? This will be informing all his ideas of how relationships should be.

But it’s not for you to decide who he can date.

stop trying to dictate his life to him and show him some respect and then he can learn to respect you back.

you don’t own your son, he’s clearly of an age where he will make his own decisions whether you like it or not, so it’s best to pro with them like you would a friend, adult to adult not like a headmaster to a child.

This is going to be controversial advice but - leave him to it and let it burn out. If he treats you like crap, don’t make his meals. Don’t wash his clothes. Just pass like ships in the night. You’ll speed the process up this way, if you try to stop them it’ll become an unrequited love scenario which they will want even more. It’s very normal for him to have smoked weed at this age, as long as he isn’t bringing anything into the house or starting on class As just let it all run it’s course.

Growing up I reckon my parents would have taken the door off it's hinges if I barricaded it as its a risk in a fire.

If you really can't get through to him and you want to get him away from the GF as she is abusive the only option you have left with is private or state boarding schools.

the only option you have left with is private or state boarding schools.

Yeah have you got 25k a year to burn OP? Or do you fancy a move to the Isles of Scilly?

He's been a happy go lucky child until he met her last year, I'm a single parent there has been no arguments in the house never was they have all been brought up the same way. He started behaving like a grown up toddler, with his breaking things and slamming things trying to run off, he has 3 other siblings who at first would try and talk to him help him etc. He started arguing with the oldest 2, if they tried to get him to see his behaviour. So I have told them to step away as it will ruin their relationship in the future and I am the parent not them.
This is his first relationship and she is way more experienced than him. She has been sexually active from a much younger age. She would write him letters about how she will look after him have his children, feed him etc. They argue a lot, as he would tell me a few times he has sobbed his heart out at times over her. They have broken up and got back together alot of times.
She got him to be sexually active I found videos on his phone of a very explcit nature. I have warned him and had already spoken to him about having sex at a young age.
He was a very naive child and I feel she has taken away his childhood.
I have tried to be accepting, but after the last incident in school, which he got into a fight over her, nearly suspended, I said no more.
They broke up for a month nearly and now he got back in touch with her.
I just can't understand why he dosent respect himself enough to say no more.

Anywhere else he can go stay to give you a break? Relatives?

I agree with others that you need to let the car crash happen and then pick up the pieces afterwards. As frustrating and painful as that is. Do not engage with the arguments and the tantrums. If he breaks stuff it doesnt get replaced. Do nothing to help him either. No meals, no washing etc.

The thing is, he's arguing with her all of the time. But he's also arguing with you at home all of the time as well by the sounds of it. So of course he's going to go running back to her. At least she gives him sex and doesn't demand to see his phone.

There's no where he can go stay, my parents and brothers live pretty much a few doors away. They have tried with him but he is ignoring them too. Although he dosent want them being told what he is up to either.
She does demand to see his phone because she dosent trust him .
He apparently msgs other girls and she does other boys.
We have had a pretty good month he was getting back in to sports had been very calm, and yesterday i called him out for lying and he went aggressive very quickly. He has spent a few days with her unbeknownst to me but I found that out yesterday.

When he's older he's gonna kick himself for being with someone who let other people racially abuse him, but for now he need to learn this lesson for himself, make sure he's using protection and be there for him to help him pick up the pieces after... It seems like you're treating him like a little boy still when he (thinks) he's acting like an adult, treat him like one and give him time to miss you being his mum.

He has said that to me, he's not my little boy anymore wants to be independent, and I'm controlling when I ask him where he is going and who with, which I feel is a normal question as I have always asked all the kids the same. I expect him to msg me or answer his phone when I ring him, but he feels he dosent need to. I will say we are a Asian family so maybe I do expect a bit more from him.
He is suppose to be going for a job today, am going to try and see if he will get up to go.
I think he won't and will expect me to just give him.money everytime he goes out which I do, but both his elder siblings started part time jobs at 15. He was willing a week ago but I think now that he has seen his gf again he will say no.

He always used to give me hugs, and still does sometimes. He is over 6ft and knows if he shouts at top of his voice and slams doors he uses his height as a way of intimidated. Destroyed his little sisters room before. He can be very intimidating and I would never have believed my child would be like that it scares me to think what his future holds if he can not control himself now. He is my 3rd teenager and the others were not like this.
Am a bit wary of going to wake him to ask him to go to this job as I think he will scream and shout again.

If he doesn't want to have a job, why are you making him go?

He us still at school. School is his job.

Have been in very similar situation.

we did have to just ride it out and deal with the appalling fallout calmly afterwards.

things that worked: talking in the car - side by side and not with eye contact helps. I have had a couple of the most difficult conversations ever recently by taking the other person for a drive and stopping somewhere safe and public. You can’t make eye contact or make aggressive gestures and pointing when you’re side by side.

what I wished I’d done: screenshots!! Remember WhatsApp messages can be deleted afterwards by the other person so if you do get his phone screenshot and send them to yourself. I don’t really think you should be getting his phone off him at 15 though.. if nasty stuff gets sent to him I think you might get him to screenshot stuff?

we had an incident where the GF was slandering my DS on instagram and TikTok- he actually got friends to send him screenshots of it. We showed school and it was really helpful as they understood the situation- and indeed when further stuff happened they actually used the phrase ‘controlling and coercive’ before I did!

15 is so tricky - I couldn’t get any help for him on abusive relationships because technically you can’t be a victim of ‘domestic abuse’ until you’re old enough to be in a relationship! There are domestic abuse charities that help young men with this but not under 16s. For us Covid had such an impact on my DSs social development he just had no idea how to deal with anything. This cohort of teens has a lot to deal with - the girl included.

I think you will have to be supportive but distant for the moment.

but if he is threatening you physically you must call police because that’s not on. You might tell him that if he does this you will have no choice for your own safety and the other family members..

He did want it a week ago, and then it kicked off again yesterday evening and now I think this morning he will say no. Yesterday morning he was willing when i reminded him of it, Its a part time Sunday job. Which would be good for him, as he wants his independence.