Ds physically intimidating

[par05]

Hi my 15 Yr old ds changed when he met girls secretive sly lying, depressed self harming, behaviour. have tried love bombing, grounding , getting family involved nothing is working. He went good for a month and now back to square one. Booked days out, he barricaded himself in his room today and wouldn't come out for fireworks because I found out he lied.

His gf is toxic in his ear all the time telling him crap. He uses his size against me as he is physically stronger and trys to intimidate everyone in the house.
Slams door and shouts at the top of his voice

At my wits end when does it get easier. I want him to leave the house for good.

Will not give me his phone, just can't cope with it anymore.

He split with gf for a few weeks and was really good. And this week met up with her again, I found out today and she's already telling him rubbish and his behaviour has gone worse.
back to square one. He has not come out of his room and I can't get in there. He is suppose to start a job tomorrow and I know he won't go now.
I actually hate my son his behaviour has been like this since he turned 14.
Have tried literally everything.

I do think covid has had a lot of social impact on him aswell. He had just transitioned to comp so didn't get the chance properly to make good friends.
The school and police were involved with the incident and they spoke to him and said do not put up with things like that, and that he would be better off concentrating on himself.
She is very controlling, and manipulating, She is a year older than him.

Update he did go for the job, which I'm glad about was very moody this morning. I know I need to back off it's just hard as it's always been me and the kids.

I just wish he could see that his behaviour is affecting everyone around him! And that his girfriend is toxic he so much nicer when she's not in his ear spouting rubbish!

Yes but he won’t OP because he’s a teenager and teenagers are not rational thinking human beings. At that age my ‘relationship’ was completely toxic, it takes time.

It's really tough to do but you need to let it run its course. The more you push back on him seeing his gf, the more they will feel it's them against the world. You just need to try and ride it out and be there for him when it inevitably runs its course. It's shit but he'll come back to you. Good luck.

Thing is this has been going on for nearly a year now, he just enjoys the drama i think. As does she. They have had arguments to the point he overdosed, they argue then make up, she has apologised for hurting him and has promised she will never hurt him again he's fallen hook line and sinker yet again.

His attitude is awful when he's been with her, i just wish he could see his own worth.

I think you would be best concentrating on his attitude and behaviour- demonising her just isn’t going to go anywhere.

Her parents may well feel the same.

I tried with her, alot as did think I'm pushing him towards her more, but she's now writing him more letters saying how sorry she is and she will do anything to make it up to him, can't live without him etc.
If she hadn't allowed other boys to msg racist stuff to him off her phone, I might have a different outlook. He has obviously forgiven her and I know I need to let this run its course but just think they both need to go separate ways.
He has been in ok mood since he got home. I'm trying to keep my cool as I know I shout too, just keeping convo light and asked him how his work went etc. Thank you for all the replys and msgs mumsnet has helped alot in dealing with ds since this whole situation started.

My heart goes out to you
I'm mother to a dd aged 15 who behaves the same , and I know my dd bf feels the same .
They have been together since dec last year . Broke up in may to a huge sigh of relief . Got together again two weeks ago and behaviour that you describe again .

We do call the police when she doesn't come home on time , we have social services involved and have involved the school , it has reduced the running away and aggression .
I felt real shame but I now know this is more common than people think .

Sorry Bf family feel the same .

She has been sexually active from a much younger age.

Then she was sexually abused. This will play into her behaviour. Because trauma does. And he will feel she needs protecting, because she does. It may help to think of them both as children who are struggling.

I really don't know, if she's been abused or not, but she's on tik tok all the time posting silly videos trying to look and act older than she is, and I think social media make children grow up to quick.
Ds was very naive before going out with her.
He was very loving and kind, now he's just awful and I know part of that is the teenage years but as @mumofblu said I think it's getting more common, and i think social media puts a lot of silly ideas in to kids head.
He was nearly back to being himself and was much calmer but now back with her, not sleeping at night, again getting into trouble at school. And just going out and not answering his phone when I ring to ask where he is.

Just found vapes in his jacket pocket 🤦‍♀️ I have checked them. He dosent know I found them yet as he is out.
Ds had stopped or so I thought! Do I tell him or just leave it as think it will cause another huge kick off. I have told him before he is not allowed to vape and definitely not in the house.

Chucked out that should say

Op, they’re vapes. Not crack pipes. I think you need to take a few deep breaths here. What did you get up to in your youth? Anything?

Take the vapes out of the bin and put them back.

I don't like it that he has vaped, I have asked him not to in the house as I have other kids. I have chucked them in the bin before, when found and do not want to enable him at all. To answer your question I didn't smoke or anything. Never would I have dared to in the house at all. I'm not perfect at all, but didn't do any of what he has been doing while still a child.

I do agree with what you say @Cuppasoupmonster especially with him not being at the age to realise that his relationship is toxic at the moment. I do hope he will one day. Its just hard to watch now without saying anything. I haven't put the vapes back as I can't as I think that would be enabling him too Continue too vape.