13 year old daughter drinking, stealing alcohol trying weed.

[user1481811146]

Hey,

so it come to light on Sunday that my 13 year old daughter has stolen alcohol (Vodka) a lot of it. 2 liters and a fruit punch out of the cupboard. got drunk at 1pm in a local family park.

Then on Thursday she tried weed,

There has been no apology, no remorse no nothing.

I have taken her phone and she is grounded but she does not seem to care what so ever.

The way i found out is she has a monthly allowance and i wanted to check she had no over spent, (she has £70 in 3 days) on rubbish.

What do i do?

Find out what’s going on with her. Why is she risking her safety and disrespecting herself in this way? Does she even realise that’s what she’s doing?

Shouting blaming and punishing her will just push her to hide what she’s doing.

Thanks for replying,

honestly this has come as complete shock to me and her dad,
I completely understand she is experimenting but to steal from our home??
She has everything she wants and more - admittedly me and her dad both work full time so we dont get much family time......

Smoking, Vaping, Smoking/ trying weed. Stealing alcohol getting drunk.

She knows lying and stealing is wrong but does not care.....

Who are her friends?

Who are the influencers outside the home?

A calm quiet conversation is best here. She has already broken the rules. You need to find out what’s going on. Have a conversation where you set expectations on the outcomes. E.g. she has one free chance to tell you everything and she will not be in trouble only if she tells you everything. Nothing censored.
after you know the full story- give her opportunities to earn your trust back by behaving in the expected manner.

alcohol and weed have permanent mental and physical debilitations on a person and are extra harmful to children.

there is zero tolerance on this. Also grooming/ i know the right wing and racists are focused on asian drivers but teenagers are the target of a lot of people. It could be older kids in the school etc. you need to snoop and be creative. Make sure she doesn’t know you snooped. Any information you find out- you should use towards the end of her conversation.

I'd suspend the allowance. Then explain why. You need to sit down as a family and talk about this. Is she drinking with a crowd or alone. Something is seriously amiss in her life for some reason

Thanks for the replies.......

She is drinking and trying weed with her friends.

I have her phone and its all about vodka and getting weed.

I have her bank card, and she cant use apple pay.
She is still on half term at the moment,

I think i am more upset about the stealing and the lying that has come with this.
She hangs around with the kids at the skate park some younger some older, boys as well.

I know this is our own doing but she is a very spoiled child, she has / had a lot of freedom.

She will go to these extreme lengths to fit in, when she was in year 7 she went to school with fake blood on her, she pretended she had taken an overdose its really alarming. she is also very jealous of a lot of things and people

OP after your recent post….
You need to nip this in the bud. I have a useless relative that was very similar to your dd. Now nearing 30. They are an absolute waste of space. Grounding won’t suffice.

if she wants to take alcohol and act out and be spoiled then she needs to cook her own meals. Has to do her fare share of errands around the house. Anytime she posts something false to get attention you need to post “this is not true….” I wish my aunt and uncle played hardball with their child etc. alcohol and weed are a no. You can do hair tests etc for weed/alcohol misuse.

do you really want to be a pensioner in her 70’s cleaning up after your dd?

I would like to add not sure if it makes any difference, shes goes to an all girls grammar school- she has been doing really well this year.

However its all this gender stuff them/ they that we have been dealing with for the past year

Gender thing is not the same as substance misuse. Two different issues. And you need to find allies in the other mums/ school etc.

there are kids that are gay/trans/bi/lesbian and its an internal thing. Downing vodka and smoking weee is just about attention and misbehaving- its got nothing to do with self discovery. Be two steps ahead. Let her know that you love her but you wont tolerate bad behavior.

I think it's all about her wanting to fit in with a particular group.
I don't know how you can manage it but she needs to choose a different group/ no group at all.
While she wants to fit in with the group this sort of behaviour will continue - no matter what you do.

You said you and her dad work really hard and don't get much quality time with her. You said she's done some strange things to seek attention. I don't want to be alarmist but I think this could get worse. If I were you'd go all in with her dad and have lots of quality family time for the next 2-3 years. Start asap. you've nothing to lose, everything to gain.

its totally blown our world apart to be honest......

Understand we cant keep her a baby forever, cant keep her at home. she has to travel in to town to and from school.

going to have a chat with her dad this evening and see what we come up with

i leave the house at 7.30am and return at 6.30pm time ive cooked dinner and cleaned up its bed time. Weekends are spent cleaning, washing getting ready for the week.

We do have family days out once a month, very rarely though she will sit with us in the evening..... on the phone to her friends etc.

Ok I had all this years ago when ds was 14, stealing money for weed, he was even brought home by the police one day!

My advice having been there and having the benefit of hindsight is;
Family counselling!! And preferably one to one counselling for her too. There will be stuff she’s not able to tell you. There will be resentments/ unhappiness that you don’t know about. She may appear cocky and like she doesn’t care. Believe me she will be hurting for some reason, and she needs help to communicate that.

Cut off the money supply, she can’t resist the pressure to fit in at the moment. Supervise her much more closely, too much freedom has not protected her. Be gentle and loving but stand firm.

Book that counselling. Good luck!

I agree with @sagalooshoe. I work with young people with emotional and behavioural difficulties and I would say hers are a desperate attempt to get your attention. At this point, negative parental attention is better than getting nods for academic achievement. Questioning her gender (if I've understood that correctly) must be huge for her emotionally. Maybe you and your DH could start spending family time with your DD, doing lots of positive things together to show her you love & accept her for who she is.

At 14, I was drinking and smoking. Must say I disagree that all kids in this situation are ‘hurting’ - don’t underestimate how much fun getting drunk and hanging out with your friends is at that age.

I’m not suggesting you condone this - far from it - but assuming she’s responding to a deeper issue or a need for attention may not be the best approach. I would have rolled my eyes to heaven and back if that had been suggested and assumed my folks had no idea how to enjoy themselves.

I'd also be worried about grooming and her putting herself in vulnerable situations with older boys/men. She needs someone safe to talk to who won't freak out - a counsellor or something. She also needs to know you will help her on an emergency if needed - eg she can call you if pissed/high/whatever and you will collect her and look after her. She's still very very young.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · Today 16:22

At 14, I was drinking and smoking. Must say I disagree that all kids in this situation are ‘hurting’ - don’t underestimate how much fun getting drunk and hanging out with your friends is at that age.
I’m not suggesting you condone this - far from it - but assuming she’s responding to a deeper issue or a need for attention may not be the best approach. I would have rolled my eyes to heaven and back if that had been suggested and assumed my folks had no idea how to enjoy themselves.

WindyKnickers · Today 16:23
I'd also be worried about grooming and her putting herself in vulnerable situations with older boys/men. She needs someone safe to talk to who won't freak out - a counsellor or something. She also needs to know you will help her on an emergency if needed - eg she can call you if pissed/high/whatever and you will collect her and look after her. She's still very very young.

This is what i am struggling to get my head around, i doubt she is hurting (not dismissing this completely)
I was wild at her age drinking staying out etc so ive been there, but never stole or lie.

This is the biggest thing in our home never lie, she asks us anything drugs, sex tv programmes, films, even politics we are open and honest.

I am worried for her safety, what if shes out of it and is taken advantage of?

What if she hurts herself.

Is this a 1 time thing and shes just experimenting or am i in for a rough ride??

**

I’d say remover her phone and her allowance. No more skatepark. And I know it’s drastic but either you or DH should cut back working hours for the next few years. She clearly needs (and gas needed) more connection and boundaries from her parents. Family counselling is not a bad idea, for a regular check in. You need to be present every day for her, even if that means doing the laundry together. Restricted phone access to only when she’s out will hopefully get her watching TV with you instead. Make time for her in your lives. Sounds like you compensated by giving her money and freedom.

Is the gender thing as you call it an attempt to fit in with a group or does she truly believe she is the "wrong" gender? I have known young people who truly were the wrong gender who were so much happier when they transitioned. One in particular is training for a very good professional career as a post graduate, has a partner, and a great social life with lots of friends. (In their case it was a very long term thing and they have never wavered and their parents found it incredibly difficult to accept and I don't blame them.) Of course it might be just the latest fad for her.

I do think family counselling is a good idea but honestly it doesn't sound as if you have much family life. I just wouldn't have had the opportunity to do what she's doing at her age because my mother and father were there in the evenings and they would have absolutely have known where I was. Does she have any hobbies or sports that you could encourage?

I mean drinking vodka and smoking weed while hanging out with a bunch of spotty teenagers at a skatepark is hardly a peak life experience, is it?

Don't have any alcohol in the house.

I was a bit like this. I'm pretty successful now. I would be more worried about boys than the vodka by the way. I wasn't having a cry for help - but was possibly hanging around with friends who were. I had grown out of it by 15 / 16. Dont overreact and be there for her and be very strict on knowing where she is. I know where my 14 ywar old dd is all the time and simply wouldn't let her hang out in a park at night for example.

You mention gender, is there a possibility she is neuro diverse? I think nd kids can get a bit more muddled up in identity.

My dd is the same at 15 and has been this way for around two years. Unfortunately coming up for this time last year she took a silly risk, went out and got drunk and ended up being taken back to a random man's house and raped.
She has made a few suicide attempts this year and also started to get bullied at school. We moved her to a different schools and she seemed to be doing much better. However she has taken up with a. Group of very troubled kids and has started drinking alot, and last week DH found her with a bag of weed in her room.
She is under CAMHs but has refused therapy to date. In fact we just had a session with them and hey have referred for drug and alcohol work-which will be pointless as she doesn't feel she has a problem-just says it's what all her friends are doing. Won't accept a link between her behaviours and what happened to her.
Last night she went in on me and told me I'm to blame for all her issues. And decided to go to her dads. I was so shocked I let her go. I've never seen her like it before.
I honestly have no idea what to do.

She won't go to therapy as she says she doesn't need it.CAMHs say this is fine. Meanwhile im living with a destructive and risky stranger as she seems to me and I'm genuinely terrified of what will happen.

Sorry for the radio silence…..

since this incident she was grounded for 1 month no phone etc.

however 18th December shes come home stoned. Showed no sign of remorse at all. Only time she showed emotion was when I smashed her phone in 2.

she’s now grounded again and no phone.

xmas eve she was on Facebook on her TV (who knew) last night I found she had a secret phone an old one from the drawer. Upon reading she’s telling her friends she’s been stealing money again smoking on the dog walk.

I’ve now taken away all of her Christmas presents.

Really at a loss with what to do here, for all those saying I should give up work that’s not ideal given the cost of living crisis. We do spend time together have a meal every evening that is number 1 rule even if it’s 20 mins.

Me and her dad are now arguing over her behaviour, I am going through IVF (she does not no about this as previous time she was extremely upset it didn’t work)

I am beginning to really dislike her and the lack of respect how can she steal off me and her father like that.