13 year old daughter drinking, stealing alcohol trying weed.

[user1481811146]

Hey,

so it come to light on Sunday that my 13 year old daughter has stolen alcohol (Vodka) a lot of it. 2 liters and a fruit punch out of the cupboard. got drunk at 1pm in a local family park.

Then on Thursday she tried weed,

There has been no apology, no remorse no nothing.

I have taken her phone and she is grounded but she does not seem to care what so ever.

The way i found out is she has a monthly allowance and i wanted to check she had no over spent, (she has £70 in 3 days) on rubbish.

What do i do?

Also the gender thing was phase, she now has a boyfriend who smokes weed, does not attend school. She goes to an all girls school. But the messages she has been sending her friends “oh they think they can ground me until in 16 “

they have to give me money for school
Dinners etc. it’s damn right disrespectful!

1. do I unground her, and she takes full responsibility for herself. Washing making food school uniforms etc
2. keep on with the no contact and grounding ??

Teenage girls are a different breed. I can feel myself getting so angry and upset over this

I had to go very part time at work in the end-which as you say is far from ideal. But I can't have her home for 3 hours between half three and half six when I got home from my full time job, as she simply can't be trusted.

You have to try and detach a bit op-it's the hardest thing the world-but try to see the behaviour as being her and don't take it personally if possible-it's hormones/friends/mental illness and you can only do so much to control it.

Try and keep lines of communication open with her (again hard when they are rude and to be frank at times the last person you want to talk to). It's all you can do, if she won't accept outside help.

This is all the classic signs of poor attachment. Children who dont have secure attachment behaviour modelled within their family seek validation and identity outside of their family, usually to nefarious groups or individuals, this puts them at risk

This cant have come out of the blue, there must have been signs of this before. You need some family support that recognises attachment issues and you need to look at your own attachment behaviours.

This is what a counsellor has said our daughter has. Exactly same situation as yourself at 14, slightly better now 16 but still challenging. It is horrifying as we thought we were a pretty good tight little family but our daughter seems to blame us for everything wrong in her life.Has a strange lack of respect and loyalty to us which I find hard to comprehend as although we have worked full time she certainly gets more attention than I did in the 70’s with a single mum bringing me up and I have never treated my mum like mine treats me.
The previous poster who said take a step back is talking a lot of sense- though at 13/14 that is a lot more difficult. At 16 ours has to learn that certain decisions she makes are detrimental to her life as we can tell her time and time again and she ignores it
I have huge sympathy for you Op - it blows you away as you do not see it coming. Our dd seems to change overnight.

can you just explain the attachment thing ?

i have always been known as the cool mum. Have who she wants round the house etc. I’m distraught that she feels the need to steal of us. I will openly admit she is very spoilt has always had everything she wants. But I can’t let her disrespect me any more

www.verywellmind.com/marriage-insecure-attachment-style-2303303

Attachment is a massive area of childrens development and we all have attachment behaviour styles, so your behaviour style will be forming or have formed her blue print for attachment

I dont know what you mean by cool mum, do you mean you're detached?

If your own attachment style (and that of her father) has not been of a secure type then this could have caused issues for her and you'll need to re learn how to engage with each other.

Unfortunately lots of children's professionals, particularly within health are not very well informed or trained in attachment disorders or behaviours and it gets missed a lot. Its not particularly fashionable either.

I think maybe you should just try and spend as much quality time together and show her love and understanding, inform her of why drugs are bad, (in a non lecture way, and when she is ready to listen) and stop paying her allowance, so she is unable to buy the drugs. It’s tough but kids feel safe with boundaries and it shows that you care.

If she has the right morals, then even if she does continue to hang around with a wrong crowd, something will twig, and she will see sense herself.

@user1481811146 How are things doing? Going through similar issues with weed with my dd so it is helpful to hear how others are managing this. Sorry that I don't have any advice though.