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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Year 9 party/gathering - what's the done thing these days

45 replies

TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 10:46

DS2 (13, year 9) has been invited to a friend's party/gathering.

It starts at 8pm. He asked if I could collect him at 2am. I said no, because I think that's way too late at this age (for him and for me to start doing the whole late night taxi thing).

I don't know what time is reasonable though.
He says he doesn't know if a parent will be there. I also don't know if there will be alcohol. AFAIK he hasn't drunk, BUT his school has some difficult behaviour and you hear about kids doing this, that and the other around town.
We don't live in the town, but he does go out with his friends. I think it's to play football, get some KFC.

To date he has not broken my trust or conditions i.e. phoning me when he says he will, being at a collect point.

I know one of the guests and have text with his Mum; the others I only know by name, though some have been to my place when I was not here (with my permission).

It feels like I am navigating the start of the going out to parties/gathering phase but with the feel of him just starting secondary. With covid he missed the year 7 bit where you have to adjust to not knowing who they're spending time with, or having anything to do with the parents.

I have a 23 year old so have done this before, but that felt like more a natural progression i.e.I knew his friends and some of their parents before parties started.

I am trying to get the balance right between knowing what my teenager is up to, trust, not being naive, being too strict etc.

Like many he had a tricky year 7 and 8 and I'm very happy he's socialising.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 26/10/2022 12:49

At this point in the year most y9s will still be 13.
I wouldn't be happy with not knowing if an adult will be present.
I wouldn't be happy with not knowing that alcohol wouldn't be present.
How many kids does he think will be there? Is this a halloween party?

11pm? Midnight? You drop off and check the lay of the land? You phone at 10pm to ensure he is still with it?

threegoodthings · 26/10/2022 12:53

I would only let a 13yo go to a party if I knew an adult would be present, and felt reasonably sure there wouldn't be alcohol. Under those circumstances I think 11pm would be reasonable.

Notanothernobhead · 26/10/2022 12:59

I would let mine go but have prearranged call times where he goes outside and has a brief chat with you . If he misses the call and doesn’t ring you back within 15 mins you’re gonna show up and embarrass him.
just a minute or two to check he’s compos mentis 2am is a bit of a piss take and too late for you to drive him. Can you set an alarm / timer that’s going off at 12:30am ? So he can get an Uber but if he doesn’t get back in time the timer will alert you and wake you up? That way you can call and check in at 10:30 and then it’s just two hours till he needs to get home? you could get in bed then .

TeenDivided · 26/10/2022 13:03

Do ubers take unaccompanied 13year olds at midnight? That doesn't sound at all safe. Surely at 13 the parent needs to be picking up?

Techno56 · 26/10/2022 13:07

My son is in Y10.

Gatherings have an adult in the house, they usually.are from late afternoon til 9pm.

Any later and it would be a sleepover, also supervised. No alcohol.

I know exactly where he is and have the contact details for most (but not all) parents.

titchy · 26/10/2022 13:07

Blimey 2am is later than most parents of sixth formers would pick up - midnight generally the limit for that. At 13 he is utterly taking the piss. 11pm pick up, no later. AND only if you get solid confirmation that parent with be present and alcohol will not be.

As an aside - what do you mean you THINK when he's out that he's playing football/at KFCs? You should be reasonably certain of his whereabouts at that age if he out in the evening.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 13:30

titchy · 26/10/2022 13:07

Blimey 2am is later than most parents of sixth formers would pick up - midnight generally the limit for that. At 13 he is utterly taking the piss. 11pm pick up, no later. AND only if you get solid confirmation that parent with be present and alcohol will not be.

As an aside - what do you mean you THINK when he's out that he's playing football/at KFCs? You should be reasonably certain of his whereabouts at that age if he out in the evening.

I'm not even sure if the host's parents know that 2am is being bandied about! They're probably all just chattering away via SM, trying to be smart.

When I say I think, it's what he tells me and I have no reason to disbelieve him.
What do you do to be reasonably certain?

So far I already told him 2am was too late. I asked whether they would be alcohol. He didn't know. I asked whether a parent would be there. Again he didn't know. This was yesterday and I haven't asked him today to see if there's been able updates. I wanted to see what others (in the land that is MN) were doing!

OP posts:
OrangePomander · 26/10/2022 13:33

Between 10.00 and 11.00 is normal around here, and definitely a parent staying in.

Crapshopper · 26/10/2022 13:39

my son is in year 9. Id say 11pm pick up and I would expect an adult to be around /in the same house for most of the time.
I wouldn’t expect alcohol although I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if it started making an appearance soon. More likely in yr 10 +

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 26/10/2022 13:43

2am is crackers. 11pm LATEST and I’d want to know a parent is present.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 13:48

Right....I'm dropping him at the gym i.e. trapped in the car for 10 mins.
I shall see if there have been any developments!

OP posts:
sm40 · 26/10/2022 13:54

My year 11 son is off to a party on sat. I'll pick him up by 12 latest. I bet you'll find it's all talk and everyone is picked up by 11. Don't agree to 2 as you'll be setting yourself up for the next 5 years.

NormalForNuneaton · 26/10/2022 14:01

There's a very big chance that there will be alcohol involved (well, there will definitely be alcohol brought by some individuals but this won't necessarily be shared around IYSWIM) and chances are some weed being smoked too.

We' live in quite a sleepy little town but I'm aware that Yr 10 parties can be quite an eye opener!

DS went to one in Yr 10 and he and his mates actually left early (thankfully!) as they felt things were getting a bit out of hand. This was a 'civilised' party, held with parents consent but a few kids turned up with bottles of vodka and one had weed. Apparently the police were called by concerned neighbours.

This wasn't happening at parties I went to until we were at least 16!

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 14:13

sm40 · 26/10/2022 13:54

My year 11 son is off to a party on sat. I'll pick him up by 12 latest. I bet you'll find it's all talk and everyone is picked up by 11. Don't agree to 2 as you'll be setting yourself up for the next 5 years.

Oh don't worry, I laughed at the 2am suggestion from the start!

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 26/10/2022 14:35

I have teens. At just 13 I would expect contact and details from parents for any arrangement. 10pm pick up - 10.30pm latest.
Adults definitely present.
No alcohol
They are still children and too young.
You are in charge here op, he needs guidance and boundaries at this age.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 14:45

Yes. He's being all "oh you're so out of touch, things have changed since [big brother] was 13".

Yeah yeah. For the worse.

OP posts:
woohoowoohoo · 26/10/2022 15:57

Y10 here and parties are now 'bring a bottle'🙄 I've no idea why parents buy their kids alcohol at 14. If dd tries a drink she tells me but I've said I'm not buying it for her yet even though I don't mind if she drinks a bit (would rather she told me without fear of consequence). Do seem to be some parties without parents present but she's a sensible kid and all that will happen if I stop her going is that she will stop telling me things (reference to my own teenage years !). Deal is she stays in contact and picks up if I call.

It does seem early, I was y11/12 before I started doing this sort of thing.

woohoowoohoo · 26/10/2022 15:58

But I wouldn't be picking up at 2am! That can wait until she's 18 and can get an Uber !

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 26/10/2022 16:27

woohoowoohoo · 26/10/2022 15:57

Y10 here and parties are now 'bring a bottle'🙄 I've no idea why parents buy their kids alcohol at 14. If dd tries a drink she tells me but I've said I'm not buying it for her yet even though I don't mind if she drinks a bit (would rather she told me without fear of consequence). Do seem to be some parties without parents present but she's a sensible kid and all that will happen if I stop her going is that she will stop telling me things (reference to my own teenage years !). Deal is she stays in contact and picks up if I call.

It does seem early, I was y11/12 before I started doing this sort of thing.

There's some different views on this issue.
Some parents acknowledge that their teens are going to be trying alcohol and think if they keep it open and have some input then their child is less likely to keep it from them and/or to put themselves at risk. This hopefully leads to a relationship where if they do get in a state they know they can call a parent.

Others take a firmer approach - give their kids big consequences for drinking.

It's so hard. The parenting approach we think works for our child can go out of the window when they reach their teenage years.

OP posts:
woohoowoohoo · 26/10/2022 21:30

Yes I drank a lot and hid it from my parents. Consequently I'd wander home in all sorts of states, get myself into bad situations. It feels better that we're talking. She didn't even know that vodka was stronger than beer, so we've talked about different alcohol so she knows what to be careful about. Funnily enough she hasn't liked at all anything she's tried so far, although she has tried a sip of my wine and liked that - nice wine isn't a thing for that age group though! And she knows I'll always come and get her no consequences if she's ever somewhere she doesn't feel comfortable eg with lots of drunk kids etc

Darbs76 · 27/10/2022 06:38

I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with my DD going to a party with no parent present. 2am is extremely late for that age, I’d say midnight absolute latest.

Oblomov22 · 27/10/2022 06:59

I don't pick anyone up at 2am! Not even Dh. Wink

WrongLife · 27/10/2022 07:08

My Y10 is going to a party on Saturday. I said she couldn't go unless there was a parent present and pick up is 11pm. She made a bold bid for a 1am collection and got laughed at.

Quietcontemplation · 27/10/2022 15:48

My son is currently 11 & just can't imagine this in 2 years time :( I think I'm quite a strict parent in some ways because there's no way I'd let him go at all unless I had spoken to the parent & an adult was going to be there. I know from experience that so many different things could happen whilst there, none of them good.

Piffpaffpoff · 27/10/2022 15:53

My 16yo goes to ‘gatherings’ at his pals’ houses and is home by midnight. There is alcohol available (beer/cider - not spirits) and a parent on site keeping a discreet eye. I’d be saying no to what is being suggested for your 13yo!