Year 9 party/gathering - what's the done thing these days

[TheOrigRights]

DS2 (13, year 9) has been invited to a friend's party/gathering.

It starts at 8pm. He asked if I could collect him at 2am. I said no, because I think that's way too late at this age (for him and for me to start doing the whole late night taxi thing).

I don't know what time is reasonable though.
He says he doesn't know if a parent will be there. I also don't know if there will be alcohol. AFAIK he hasn't drunk, BUT his school has some difficult behaviour and you hear about kids doing this, that and the other around town.
We don't live in the town, but he does go out with his friends. I think it's to play football, get some KFC.

To date he has not broken my trust or conditions i.e. phoning me when he says he will, being at a collect point.

I know one of the guests and have text with his Mum; the others I only know by name, though some have been to my place when I was not here (with my permission).

It feels like I am navigating the start of the going out to parties/gathering phase but with the feel of him just starting secondary. With covid he missed the year 7 bit where you have to adjust to not knowing who they're spending time with, or having anything to do with the parents.

I have a 23 year old so have done this before, but that felt like more a natural progression i.e.I knew his friends and some of their parents before parties started.

I am trying to get the balance right between knowing what my teenager is up to, trust, not being naive, being too strict etc.

Like many he had a tricky year 7 and 8 and I'm very happy he's socialising.

I know what you mean. My son is 13 1/2 and is pretty much a different person to the 11 year old at Primary School. He's no longer a little boy, but a hairy adolescent with a deep voice, nearly as tall as me (5'8") and is pushing for independence and his own space/identity.
But yes, he is still only 13 and I have explained that to him.

I have a year 9.
I cannot imagine him staying out til 2am.
Think 11pm would be my max, and much happier with 10, especially if there may not be any supervision.

Oldest is in Y10 and hasn't been to anything as late as that. I wouldn't expect that sort of party timing until they're 16 (at which point I fully expect it as norm)

I've said a few times that he won't be staying till 2am

And I think most of us are agreeing with you that it isn't typical of kids this age.
Certainly my message was intended as "thats not what I'd expect" rather than "how come you are even contemplating this".

In year 9 parties my dd went to were definitely supervised by parents, either in their homes or at a hired venue. They tended to finish between 10 and 11.00 pm. All kids were collected. No alcohol was involved.

At 13 my dd went to a bowling party where the mum of the girl whose birthday it was decided she would leave them to it. A lot of the girls decided to wander off and left the bowling game and my dd, who is quite sensitive, got upset. No harm done, they were perfectly safe, but I can remember thinking 13 wasn't old enough to be left alone for a party. (Though I did let dd stay alone at that age when bowling with friends when there was just a small group of them.)

Yes, you're right. Thank you.

DD is 15 and so far most parties were with parents present (different room and just servants for food and non-alcoholic drinks).

Normally pick up was around 10pm-11pm, starting at 5-6pm.

She will now have her first proper 16th birthday party and even one 18th which we only allowed after several conversations and a change in plan by the birthday host. And even those will mean pick up at 11pm and parents present.

I have teenagers. No alcohol and always parents present at that age and party finishes by 10.30.
Actually quite often parents will pick up a bit earlier, say 10pm

I can't imagine others are being allowed out until 2am! Wishful thinking on the party child's part if you ask me!

My 13 year old wants to go to a party at the weekend. It’s for a classmate she’s not too friendly with and is supposedly in town in a flat! I’m not 100% convinced. She’s not said if a parent is going to be present and I’m a bit unsure about the whole thing. I very vaguely know the mum so I’m going to have a chat with her - dd isn’t clear which parents flat it’s at and the parents have split up. If we do allow her to go, I think pick up will be around 9.30/10pm.

My DD is 2 years older and I still ask for her friends parents to text me if she wants to go to parties. I want to know if they will be there, if there will be drinking etc.

At year 9 I would 100% ask my son to mention to his friend that I want his friends parents to text me.

I have a year 9 DS who hangs around in a big mixed crowd at school and he's never been to any party without a parent present, that went on until that late or had alcohol (not being naïve, I know it for certain). I was year 10 when I started going to those sorts of parties myself so I might have a shock coming in the next year or so but I'll try and convince myself it's different nowadays this year...!

It's all sorted out.
DS got the Mum's mobile number, so I messaged her and she's told me both parents will be there all night, 2am was just them chancing their luck (it's from 8-11pm), they've got pizza and soft drinks, Netflix, music and a table tennis and table football.
This is exactly what a bunch of 13 YOs should be doing, so I can remove thoughts unsupervised drinking, vaping, sex and porn from my mind (for now).

Hopefully he will understand that my questioning and need for reassurance comes from a place of care and responsibility, not a desire to make sure he has no fun in his life!

And right now he's out with mates playing football.

All good.

Thank you all for your thoughts and insight.

Great. Hope DS has a lovely time, and you have a relaxing evening before collecting him.

Thanks for the update. That sounds spot on for a party for that age! I'm sure he'll have a great time

My 14 yr old has been invited to a halloween party tomorrow at a friends house this friend is new and he has met her through a out of school activity he does. She has invited 6 of them all friends from his group, and about 15 from her school a mixture of girls and boys. The party is 6pm till midnight and is in the "annexe" where his friend lives in the grounds of her family home. I have just looked the house up on google maps and it is like a country estate!!! He is a bit worried as there will be alcohol there which apparently her dad and uncle are providing. I have just seen a photo of this girl and she honestly looks about 19 - she is 15 because I know she is a day girl in year 10 at the independent school in the next town .

He is in two minds whether to go as he has no interest in alcohol at all. He finds it so hard to keep friends because he will not drink or vape. Parties when I were 14 were so much more low key - it all seems to be about alcohol now from a much younger age.

When I dropped him off, all the boys were outside. They peered in the car and one smarty pants asked if I was Mrs [History teacher], who is infamous for doing Zoom parent/teacher calls bathed in blue light making her look like a Smurf or more generously an extra in Avatar. It's hard to keep a straight face.

Anyway, I have enjoyed a couple of hours to myself. Luckily I am a night owl so it's not a big deal to do a 50 min round trip at 11pm.

Thankfully mobiles are far better than they were 10 years ago. The fun of finding some isolated house (I live rurally) at midnight!

Midnight was always the time my mum picked me up from 13-16 and from then it was midnight or pay for a taxi myself.

Sorry seen you've updated ignore me