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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My daughter is a lesbian is it right to let her be with her gf at 15

42 replies

poppyedy · 19/10/2022 08:54

My daughter of 15 is a lesbian and only just came out a few months ago but has had a girlfriend for over a year but never told us as she used to come and stay which we thought she was only a friend
She is wanting to see her more but I do not agree with them sleeping in the same bed, male or female she is still a child in my eyes, so wont allow this at my house but she is wanting to go to her house instead
Just so unsure what to do if i don't support it now she will soon go do it anyway

OP posts:
Chattycathydoll · 19/10/2022 08:56

its as you say- if you don’t support her, she will find a way to do it anyway. Make your views clear, that it’s not about her being a lesbian, that you think 15 is too young because it’s below age of consent and then move on to make sure she knows about safe practices because school doesn’t always educate on anything other than straight relationships. She might think sex is always safe for her because she can’t get pregnant being same-sex. Make sure she knows you’re in her corner- even when you don’t approve. You’re still someone she can trust and turn to.

Original poster
poppyedy · 19/10/2022 09:02

Her girlfriend can be very pushy and this is what I don't like, plus it is her GSCE year so she needs to concentrate, doesn't help that there is a distance in location too

Im just stuck what to do to let her go and support her but she will want to go more and more as if I don't yes she will start going and lying instead

My husband doesn't agree with any of it not that shes a lesbian but them being together, I think it is as it is so young, and it's pushes in their faces too much at the minute

OP posts:
Downthestais · 19/10/2022 09:13

If it was a boyfriend, would you allow it?

BritInAus · 19/10/2022 09:21

Perhaps if distance and study are the reasons, limit to maybe twice a week?
Banning her from seeing her won't do anything. It just means they will find somewhere else. I think most of us would rather have our kids safe at home than in a park/bus stop/down an alleyway etc.

Abei · 19/10/2022 09:21

I would rather my 15 year old stayed at my house with her girlfriend rather then her go somewhere else. I would try and open up communication with her, build trust and see how she really feels about this girl. Really listen to what she has to say without judgement. Get to know the girlfriend. And her parents.

Obviously you could force her to stay at home and insist that the girlfriend can't stay, but I don't think this will be a helpful approach longer term as she will start lying, become distracted from her school work and use up too much time thinking about this. And before long your daughter will just go and stay with her anyway. To me, this would be more of a disaster than trying to work through a solution where everyone feels at least comfortable with it.

NoYouSirName · 19/10/2022 09:48

By ‘being together’ do you mean ‘having sex’ or ‘being in a relationship’? It’s a really tricky one. They will absolutely do it anyway.

i think, whether it’s a heterosexual relationship or not, that I’d want to keep the lines of communication open with my teen dc and know that they were safe. But I haven’t been in this position so I don’t know. Generally with my teens I feel I need to prioritise our relationship so that I have more influence, and saying ‘not under my roof’ is just pushing them away whilst making no difference to anything imo.

Topseyt123 · 19/10/2022 09:54

They will do it anyway. Somewhere and somehow. I have a lesbian DD too, although she is in her twenties now.

I would (and did) let them be without making a fuss over it. They were to be discreet, but that was it. They always slept in DD's room, even in their teens.

Original poster
poppyedy · 19/10/2022 10:07

I wouldn't allow it if it was a boy and said this to her too

She has expressed her feelings and have met the gf myself and parent as she doesn't drive and lives over 50 miles away I have to do the picking up and dropping off

I tried talking to her this morning but she just kicked off with me saying I dont want her to go so could of made things worse

OP posts:
Season0fTheWitch · 19/10/2022 10:29

They will do what they want to do whether it's in your house or not, so why not make sure they're safe. Talk to her about safe sex, protection, consent etc. Encourage her to be open with you, with her girlfriend etc about what she wants and is comfortable with.

daisylalala · 19/10/2022 10:43

NC for this but:

I was your daughter. I was 15 when I had my first proper relationship (yes young, but I loved her.) I was in a same sex relationship.

I can promise you she will find ways and do it anyway. It's much better for her to be safe under a roof. That doesn't mean you have to be absolutely fine with it either. Give her some wiggle room but at the same time she has to stick to boundaries. Talk to her about safe sex.
My girlfriend at the time lived and hour away. We hid it for a year as having girlie sleepovers. (Oh my side of the family anyway). We had a lovely couple of years together. But the only place we could escape was at her house. Her mum spoke to us both about safe sex and I felt comfortable under her roof. I never took the piss and we were always very discreet. From the outside in, it genuinely would've looked like a best friendship. Looking back it was very much a young experimental thing. I'm now happily married some years later to DH with a baby. The relationship never did me any harm. Mine was prime GCSE age too. If it's not her girlfriend, it could well be someone else. Loads of people have boy and girlfriends at GCSE time. Horny teenagers and hormones flying about. But it will do much less harm if you're open and honest with her, and she can be back to you back to you. The more you and her dad push the idea away, the more she will retreat, do things behind your back, and will be incredibly secretive and resentful moving forwards. It's hard to know the right thing to do.

But I know 100% id rather my daughter was safe under a roof, and educated in safe sex and consent, rather than up an alleyway or dark carpark somewhere.

lailamaria · 19/10/2022 10:45

so your husbands homophobic the op?

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 10:52

Absolutely not. This would not be allowed under my roof with either a boy or a girl.

They are children.

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 11:03

If we presume without much hope that there is no homophobia at play here from you or your husband, and disregard the fact that this is a same sex relationship, how would that be working for you?

At what age would you feel it reasonable for her to have a boyfriend? And what would the house rules be for them?

Can't you remember being 15? I can. Most 15 year olds are in an absolute hormone storm, and would leap tall buildings to get on with what they're physically programmed to be doing at that age (spoiler, it's not exam revision).

If you really don't condone this and don't want to support their relationship, the first thing you could do is stop taxi-ing the 100 mile round trip to deliver her to the doorstep however that won't solve your problem. Even if this relationship fizzles due to distance the next girl might live around the corner.

Essentially this is a point every parent of teens gets to, it's just another stage to be navigated, it just feels weird because it's sex. The fact that it's a same sex situation makes zero difference.

willtherealslimshadypleasesitdown · 19/10/2022 11:07

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 10:52

Absolutely not. This would not be allowed under my roof with either a boy or a girl.

They are children.

They are potentially moments away from being the consenting, legal age.

Your kids will find a way to do it regardless if you're like this. The difference is, they won't be open and honest with you.

I know which one id prefer.

Jibo · 19/10/2022 11:08

Not sure the "if it were a boy" thing is relevant - DD is not going to get pregnant or be made to do horrible porn things like anal with a female partner so I think you can be a bit more relaxed, although if you suspect controlling behaviour from the GF then don't relax too much. I think I would allow the girlfriend to stay at your house on non-school nights, but not facilitate DD going to hers. Don't get into a debate about the relationship, just say you don't have the time or money to drive all that way. Do you have other DC at home?

Jibo · 19/10/2022 11:09

Is the girlfriend also 15, by the way?

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:26

willtherealslimshadypleasesitdown · 19/10/2022 11:07

They are potentially moments away from being the consenting, legal age.

Your kids will find a way to do it regardless if you're like this. The difference is, they won't be open and honest with you.

I know which one id prefer.

Show quote history

These are children we are talking about and I don't give a monkeys what the law says, a 16 yo is not old enough to deal with the potential consequences of a sexual relationship.

In my opinion, people thinking they'll be off doing it in park bushes otherwise is not a good enough reason to allow it in my house.

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 11:36

@Dacadactyl how old are your kids? How have you navigated this stage, or how do you plan to? How were you dealt with by your parents during this stage of your life?

It's definitely a very emotive topic!

SavingsThreads · 19/10/2022 11:46

lailamaria · 19/10/2022 10:45

so your husbands homophobic the op?

how do you deduce that?! OP says he doesn't agree with them being together as she's too young.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 19/10/2022 11:54

I’m aware that some females can behave appallingly, however I would be far more chilled about this than if she had a 15 year old boyfriend with a porn driven attitude to sex.

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:54

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 11:36

@Dacadactyl how old are your kids? How have you navigated this stage, or how do you plan to? How were you dealt with by your parents during this stage of your life?

It's definitely a very emotive topic!

My DD is 15, nearly 16 and son is 10.

It is all very well having relaxed views around this topic but when the shit hits the fan the problems are gonna start.

My first boyfriends mum was all chilled about me staying over (I would've been 16 at the time). And I lied through my teeth to my mum to go there. As an adult I just think WTAF was my bf's mum thinking?! If I'd have got pregnant, her son would've been a dad as a child himself (I wouldn't have an abortion) Why would any mother put her child in this situation and potentiallt assist in the process?

Even if you are pro-abortion, surely you wouldn't want your daughter to go through one?! I don't get this permissive parenting.

I'm only 37, so was a young mum myself, but 16 is too young to be making those decisions imo.

lunar1 · 19/10/2022 12:02

I do think it's different with them both being girls, nobody can get pregnant.

I wouldn't like it, but they have been doing it for a year in secret by the sounds of it. I'd be wary that she would feel she is being punished for telling you.

There are so many factors to consider that we can't possibly know, but I would probably allow it, with an extra blow up bed in her room, knowing perfectly well it won't be used.

I think it's important to balance the needs and wants of your dd now, with your future relationship and communication with her. It's so bloody hard!

Sandcastlesinthesky · 19/10/2022 12:06

Nope. No sleepovers in this instance. It would be a no from me. Yes they’ll probably mess about elsewhere but I can’t see that lasting long in this weather.

MarshaMelrose · 19/10/2022 12:11

A 50 mile distant relationship at 15 is bonkers. Regardless of everything else, I'd stop driving her backwards and forwards.

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 12:21

@Dacadactyl it's so interesting isn't it. Are you comfortable with the thought that your 15yo is possibly currently lying through her teeth to you, and your 10yo will be too soon?

I don't think the two choices are necessarily permissive parenting, or sticking your fingers in your ears and pretending it's not happening, there is usually a middle way.

I think communication for teens is absolutely key, and being able to keep those lines open for them to come to you if and when the shit does hit the fan, because it's going to if it's going to, whether you roll out the welcome mat or not!

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