My daughter is a lesbian is it right to let her be with her gf at 15

[poppyedy]

My daughter of 15 is a lesbian and only just came out a few months ago but has had a girlfriend for over a year but never told us as she used to come and stay which we thought she was only a friend
She is wanting to see her more but I do not agree with them sleeping in the same bed, male or female she is still a child in my eyes, so wont allow this at my house but she is wanting to go to her house instead
Just so unsure what to do if i don't support it now she will soon go do it anyway

Firstly what's the risk to her if she is having lesbian sexual experiences? STDs? Educate her around these.

Secondly banning it in your home is just that; it's not banning it outright, it's not banning it in someone else's home where if something went wrong you wouldn't be there. You're only relinquishing the ability to have control and safety oversight on her activities, she will do them anyway.

I'd allow this in my home. I'd welcome a loving nurturing relationship and I would allow a girl to stay but not a boy because it's different in many, many ways.

I'd also talk to her about it at length but this is my plan anyway to have openness and honesty with my daughter especially around her relationships. I do not want her ending up with an abusive deadbeat and I want her to have self worth.

100% this.

You can set boundaries. Discretion is important. Respect for everyone. Not on a school night. Due exam periods, it is to be discussed.

She has taken the leap and told you what is happening in her personal life. She didn't have to. If you don't take this opportunity, she won't be open with you in the future.

She’s 15, not 12. If she really loves her gf don’t push these restrictions onto her, that’s extremely unfair and she may resent you for it someday. Are you suggesting her romantic feelings are invalid because she’s young? So what if she’s at her GCSE’s, are you going to ban her from relationships when she has A levels and Uni? YABU don’t be controlling

I'd allow it personally, 2 of my best friends in school were in a relationship at 15, they didn't come out to their parents until years later so often had sleepovers without their parents even suspecting anything.
15 isn't an unusually young age for a young person to become sexually active & as PP have said, the fact she's with another female would ease my concerns more than it would if she was with another boy her age.

15 year olds will always find a way to become intimate if they're determined enough, even if it isn't under your roof. My parents were incredibly strict about having boys in the house yet I still fell pregnant at 16.

I'd talk to DD, make sure she herself is comfortable with everything in general and knows what a healthy relationship should consist of, discuss your own concerns with her too. If she was wanting to stay at the other girls house then I'd want to speak to her parent/s first, as I would any other of her friends.

I know a lot of 15 year olds wouldn't be comfortable enough to discuss their sexuality with their parents yet, so it shows she must trust you.

To be honest, I let my dd do what she wanted within reasons as I trusted her to make good decisions. She did mostly. Saying no just drives it underground. Until 16 guests stayed in the guest room though

Are we just ignoring the fact she’s had her over for a year and lied saying she was a friend?

She has been lying to you for over a year so she can have sex with her girlfriend behind your back. She wouldn’t have got away with this if it was a bf. I think you need to take the lead on this and let her know what you find acceptable.

No my husband is not homophobic i think its just she is too young, we don't mind that she is a lesbian

We used to think they were just best friends until a few months ago hence the travelling backwards and forwards

She has admitted she is mature enough to not be stupid with regards to the sexual side and feels very strongly for this girl who is 9 months younger but more mature than more daughter which is why she seems more pushy

I am happy for them to come to me with any issues, but in my mind if they want to act all grown up, they need to take responsibility for their mistakes. They don't get to come to me to make it all better for them afterwards if I've given advice and they've ignored it. That is what being an adult is all about.

I appreciate it sounds harsh and it is a bit more nuanced than that in reality, but that is my opinion.

*My DD is 15, nearly 16 and son is 10.

It is all very well having relaxed views around this topic but when the shit hits the fan the problems are gonna start.

My first boyfriends mum was all chilled about me staying over (I would've been 16 at the time). And I lied through my teeth to my mum to go there. As an adult I just think WTAF was my bf's mum thinking?! If I'd have got pregnant, her son would've been a dad as a child himself (I wouldn't have an abortion) Why would any mother put her child in this situation and potentiallt assist in the process?

Even if you are pro-abortion, surely you wouldn't want your daughter to go through one?! I don't get this permissive parenting.

I'm only 37, so was a young mum myself, but 16 is too young to be making those decisions imo.*

@Dacadactyl

See I don't get this at all. You say you wouldn't allow it in your house for your nearly 16 year old. But in your above statement you say 'when shit hits the fan the problems are gonna start.' - you are more than likely to run into more problems if your child has to lie about where they are, who they're with, and having sex in unsafe places, surely? You admitted in your above post that you lied through your teeth to your mum, presumably because she had the same stance as you and didn't allow it, so you lied. Do you think this will be different for your child?

And you ask why any mother would put their daughter in a position to potentially assist in pregnancy, surely, if you have an open honest conversation about safe sex, and put respectful boundaries in place, rather than a blanket rule so she doesnt have to lie about it decreases that risk? And the mother won't really be assisting in a pregnancy, if discussions are had and condoms / protection are discussed.

IMO you're much more likely to have safe sex and know the risks etc when parents have a more fluid approach and teach their kids about safe sex, and if that means providing a safe place for them that means no lies and sneaking around, surely that's best for all? As you've said in your own statement that you lied yourself.

Not being goady, genuinely just curious - you say you had to lie and sneak around to have sex but you not allowing it in your home for your nearly legal consenting age daughter, surely that puts her in the same position? To lie, sneak and potentially have sex in unsafe places. Let's be honest, horny teenagers who want to have sex will, whether it's banned in their homes or not.

This is a tricky situation that needs diplomacy, kindness and boundaries.

15 is very young still and there is a reason why 16 is the age of consent. However, 15 year olds do have raving hormones and many do fancy sexual activity.

I'd be very supportive of her relationship but also gently and discreetly sass out if she is happy and everything that is happening is consensual and works at the right pace for your dd. Did you mention how old the girlfriend is OP? More than a year older than your dd would ring alarm bills.

I personally would not facilitate sleepovers but I'd invite the girlfriend to spend time in your home and be a warmly welcome guest. Relationships, especially between girls (including BBF type of relationships) can become extremely intense at this age, which can be damaging and overwhelming.

I would speak to your dd and encourage her to wait with a more serious sexual relationship. If it's not worth waiting for, it's not really worth going for.

I am hoping that my DD would meet a lad whose family have the same stance!

Her girlfriend can be very pushy

Well that's all there is to it then. Chances are your dd is being either bullied or coerced into doing what she's told by this girl. The fact that she's gay is irrelevant really.

@Dacadactyl that's not really relevant to what I was asking but okay.

So from both ends of the stick then, not allowed to have safe sex in either of their own homes.

So both your daughter and her 'lad' maybe she's not into lads will have to lie and sneak, rather than safe sex in their homes.

I'm thinking 'why would a mother put their child into that, potentially dangerous situation.' But each to their own I guess.

It wouldn't be happening in my house and I certainly wouldn't be driving 50 miles to pick them up - ridiculous.

Following with interest. It's a really tricky position to be in. Very hard - but very ,very easy to have opinions if you're not in the middle of it...

I think the nature of the relationship is more concerning to me than anything else, seems to be to have some unhealthy power dynamic going on.