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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

1 week suspension for fighting

54 replies

mumofblu · 14/10/2022 04:45

My dd hit her ex bf in school
I absolutely agree she should not have done this and a punishment is required .

They split in may but he has continued to be in contact out of school and chat . I hear them in her room .

While they were together their were lots of concerns and the school ( teacher ) was very open in their surprise that my dd ( good grades , motivated , great pupil ) would be with someone like him .

They were together 7 months . I called social services on him because I saw heavy bruising on her upper arms and she finally admitted were him not being very nice .

Anyway yesterday in school she hit him after he ignored her and he has been telling others that she won't leave him alone and is obsessed with him . But he calls her and chats for hours on the phone .

I have told the school this and the teacher described this boy is manipulating but it seems everything is falling on my dd and not where this boy is

Yes she is absolutely wrong to hit anyone but the background of why she is such a state regarding this boys behaviour to her is not being looked at .

Should we just accept the punishment without raising the issues of why ?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 14/10/2022 04:52

Yes the punishment is correct. Your daughter was violent to another pupil in school

AgentProvocateur · 14/10/2022 04:55

Yes, she can’t just go around hitting people. And also, there are two sides to every story. Your daughter is maybe not as innocent as you think.

Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 04:56

She isn't innocent . I agree she should be punished . My question is should they be looking more closely at his behaviour and why she hit him

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 14/10/2022 05:02

They need to keep away from each other. If he calls she needs to learn to ignore him. Easier said than done I know. I don’t think the school will care that he is calling her but if there is any bullying going on then yes let them know.

itsgettingweird · 14/10/2022 05:04

mumofblu · 14/10/2022 04:56

She isn't innocent . I agree she should be punished . My question is should they be looking more closely at his behaviour and why she hit him

Would you be asking this if a man hit a woman?

Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:04

That's my worry that he is bullying her subtly
The school said they know he is manipulating her

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:08

By looking at reasons for behaviour I'm not saying excuse it . I'm not defending her , she is 100% wrong no doubt .
But this has been a relationship of concern involving social services .

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:10

@itsgettingweird

Yes I would try to look at why whatever the persons gender . What do you mean ?

OP posts:
BCBird · 14/10/2022 05:27

Violence is never condoned when initiated. Yout daughter needs to do her bit by cutting all contact. The school will be able to take some measures but these will be pointless without your daughter doing the same.

SudocremOnEverything · 14/10/2022 05:32

Rather than focusing on whether the school are doing things ‘wrong’, I think you should urgently focus on getting your DD some support around healthy relationships etc.

The best way to protect her from a violent and manipulative boyfriend is to develop her self confidence and understanding of what abuse is and why it’s not acceptable. You can’t change him. But you can help her to recognise the relationship is toxic and that she wants nothing more to do with him.

KatherineJaneway · 14/10/2022 05:33

Your dd needs to cut all contact with this boy and block his number and him on all social media.

JulesCobb · 14/10/2022 05:34

You meed to be doing more to stop their contact at home. Has she had any counselling? This I called social services on him because I saw heavy bruising on her upper arms and she finally admitted were him not being very nice is massively downplaying abuse. Not being very nice?! This all needs to stop.

much more intervention is needed.

Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:37

We are waiting for support on healthy relationships through SS from when they first got together because of concerns . I keep SS informed of any concerns ,

I'm not saying the school is wrong I agree with them
But I do think they should look at provocative factors

And yes she should absolutely stay away

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:38

Yes she has been in counselling and I've been in contact with woman's aid

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:39

FYI

"Not being nice" were her words . Mine were calling it abuse

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 05:41

You called social services when he hurt her but think the school were wrong to exclude her for hurting him?

I'm not saying you were wrong to call them - although I'd have called the police - but that'll impact him forever whereas her exclusion will be forgotten soon enough.

You can't hit someone for ignoring you. That's ridiculous.

Why are you still encouraging their relationship? He shouldn't be in your house. She shouldn't have any contact with him at all. It's time for her to grow up.

JulesCobb · 14/10/2022 05:41

But again op, your responses are what you are asking ss to do. What have YOU done to limit her contact with him at home? That is a huge concern.

Sirzy · 14/10/2022 05:44

A week away from school, remove all tech access too and it will be a good chance for her to realise she doesn’t need him!

Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:48

Does anyone actually listen here ?

He is not allowed in our house I sent him away when I saw bruising and told school that's when SS got involved

He is her ex not her boyfriend

They do not see each other out of school

Until the night before I didn't know they were in touch through calls

When I heard his voice I told her to keep away from him

She has had counselling which finished recently .

I 💯 % agree to school punishing her but it seems his actions to her are not being addressed

What more could I have done

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/10/2022 06:04

mumofblu · 14/10/2022 05:48

Does anyone actually listen here ?

He is not allowed in our house I sent him away when I saw bruising and told school that's when SS got involved

He is her ex not her boyfriend

They do not see each other out of school

Until the night before I didn't know they were in touch through calls

When I heard his voice I told her to keep away from him

She has had counselling which finished recently .

I 💯 % agree to school punishing her but it seems his actions to her are not being addressed

What more could I have done

Your op says this about their contact

They split in may but he has continued to be in contact out of school and chat . I hear them in her room .

She hit him for ignoring her. Whatever you think his behaviour is she hit him in school for not talking to her. They can't punish him for this incident.

Joshanddonna · 14/10/2022 06:06

If the situation was reversed you wouldn't be complaining.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 14/10/2022 06:13

Honestly OP I'd just want this to go away quitely and be glad he didn't report her to the police. No matter what the history if a teenager came up and hit my child at school I'd be seriously considering reporting it.

Original poster
mumofblu · 14/10/2022 06:17

I'm not complaining

I agree with my Dd being punished

But this has been recognised as an abusive relationship in the past

And like many woman she has found it hard to leave an abusive relationship , and she is a very immature teenager

I'm saying that he has continued to manipulate her and she has reacted .

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/10/2022 06:20

But she hit him for ignoring her so doesn’t sound like much provocation.

at least now you can ensure no contact at all for the next week!

Rocketclub · 14/10/2022 06:21

CiderJolly · 14/10/2022 05:02

They need to keep away from each other. If he calls she needs to learn to ignore him. Easier said than done I know. I don’t think the school will care that he is calling her but if there is any bullying going on then yes let them know.

She needs counselling and to do the freedom programme. She needs to block him. There is a junior version.

She May have been in an abusive relationship but it sounds like she hasn’t broken free.