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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd won't let me in her room without permission

29 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 07/10/2022 16:53

Dd is 15 (Year 11), she's on the autistic spectrum. We've had some problems in the past year with anxiety and erratic school attendance for a bit of background.

She has become very possessive about her bedroom and we have respected her privacy. I always knock, often she just says 'no' so I leave and phone or WhatsApp her. On the odd occasion I have knocked and not heard a response, I open the door ajar and she goes mad, I'm invading her privacy etc.

I was talking to some friends last night with similar aged girls and they said they reserve the right to enter teens' rooms because a) they are minors, and b) it's our house.

Have I made a rod for my own back?

OP posts:
EndlessMagpies · 07/10/2022 16:58

Knocking and asking to come in is one thing. That is reasonable, and is giving a young woman some privacy in her own room.

What isn't reasonable is her either ignoring you or telling you that no, you can't come in, so you have to go away and message her instead.

Pinkittens · 07/10/2022 16:59

Personally I knock as it's polite but the meaning is to warn that I am shortly to enter (in case they are doing something personal) rather than asking for permission to enter full stop. I'd respect giving a moment certainly, but I'd always reserve the right to enter in the end. I wouldn't stand for a flat No. But obviously everyone is different.

parietal · 07/10/2022 17:00

She should let you in at least once a day to see that things are clean and tidy and that she is OK.

She should know to respond if you knock and that you will come in if she doesn't respond.

PeekAtYou · 07/10/2022 17:03

I always knock on my children's doors and have been doing it since I wanted them to knock on my bedroom door. I think it's basic manners.

Does no mean she's getting changed or something? In which case that's reasonable. My kids wear AirPods around the house so sometimes don't hear me knock. If I'm bringing them laundry then I'll leave it outside their door. they know that this is code for them to tidy it away.

PeekAtYou · 07/10/2022 17:08

If I knew that they were in their room but ignoring me then I'd walk in. It's rude not to acknowledge you or at least say "give me 5 mins" I wouldn't text with what I wanted to say. This might mean she misses out if the reason that you knocked was to ask if she wanted some sweets as you're going to the shops but that's the consequence.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 07/10/2022 17:13

No she's never getting changed or anything. When I've gone in she's usually just sitting on her bed. She just doesn't want me in there without her say so.

OP posts:
Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 07/10/2022 17:13

We've had some problems with her sleeping in her clothes and leaving the lights on, I'm guessing she doesn't want me to see this in the morning.

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 07/10/2022 17:17

PeekAtYou · 07/10/2022 17:08

If I knew that they were in their room but ignoring me then I'd walk in. It's rude not to acknowledge you or at least say "give me 5 mins" I wouldn't text with what I wanted to say. This might mean she misses out if the reason that you knocked was to ask if she wanted some sweets as you're going to the shops but that's the consequence.

You can't just walk in. They could be doing anything. How would you feel if you barged in and they were entertaining themselves?

Being coy because I don't want to explain what a certain word means to my six year old nephew! 😂

Tonty · 07/10/2022 17:18

You have to phone, text or whattsapp her whilst she is in the same house as you? you've given her too much free rein. Ridiculous! i'd end that today.

BonjourCrisette · 07/10/2022 17:27

QuestionableMouse · 07/10/2022 17:17

You can't just walk in. They could be doing anything. How would you feel if you barged in and they were entertaining themselves?

Being coy because I don't want to explain what a certain word means to my six year old nephew! 😂

Show quote history

I think if you have knocked, waited a minute and they haven't answered it is OK to open the door (maybe reasonably slowly). If the teenager is doing something private, they have had enough time to say 'can you hang on for a few minutes' or whatever. I wouldn't open the door if my daughter (16) answered me and asked if I could come back in a bit. I would if she was ignoring me like OP's daughter. And 'no' isn't an acceptable answer. It's rude.

dodobookends · 07/10/2022 17:28

bendmeoverbackwards · 07/10/2022 17:13

No she's never getting changed or anything. When I've gone in she's usually just sitting on her bed. She just doesn't want me in there without her say so.

It is not her house, it's yours.

A friend of mine had this issue with his twin teen boys. He took their bedroom door off its hinges and put it in the loft, and told them they could have it back again when they learned some respect.

AnOldCynic · 07/10/2022 17:33

Most people missing the fact she's autistic here.

Can you talk to her and find out a way you can call in and check on her that causes the least anxiety? Give her 10 minutes notice? Take her something nice to eat or drink when you go in? Try not to criticise when you do go in?

Dos work better than Don'ts so "Remember to get changed before bed" rather than "Don't sleep in your clothes again tonight".

PeekAtYou · 07/10/2022 17:33

You can't just walk in. They could be doing anything. How would you feel if you barged in and they were entertaining themselves?

If they don't reply then I knocked louder and louder and call their name. Then I'd enter. It's literally only happened a couple of times or so but they've always been on their bed with AirPods in. They have asked not to be disturbed for the next couple of hours because they are on FaceTime or a gaming headset which is fine.

Ted27 · 07/10/2022 18:00

I often chat with my 18 year old son via WhatsApp, sometimes when he is in the same room.
He has autism, his safe place is under a blanket with headphones on. Texting means we can still talk.
I'm not sure what the issue with going into her room is. Why do you need to go in? I knock, if he's rude I tell him that and we restart the conversation. But I don't insist unless I really need to speak to him about something.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 07/10/2022 18:02

I was like that as a teen. Pretty sure I'm on the spectrum. My teen son is autistic and I walk in to his room and he doesn't care but I remember being filled with rage if someone came into my space or worse, touched any of my belongings. It was the only place I had to feel safe and be me. I could not physically process anyone coming in to my little world uninvited. It ruined it for me and upset my calm that I'd tried so hard to make. Im not like that anymore but i do still hate people touching my things 🙈 sometimes we want to sit on our own and not speak to anyone. Can she maybe knock on the wall once so you know she's fine and you can leave her alone? This won't make sense to a lot of people I know.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 07/10/2022 18:07

@KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange yes she is also very particular about her possessions, sometimes it’s very messy, stuff on the floor etc (but I’m not too bothered about that) but she says she knows where everything is and hates stuff being touched or moved.

OP posts:
ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 07/10/2022 18:09

I do think the PP who focused on the h e autistic aspect has a point. My DP has some traits on the spectrum and when he needs space and calm, he needs it to be respected. This is difficult when it's a young person who doesn't own the house, so you might need to come to a different accommodation. Perhaps explain to her that you need to check on her and agree that she'll allow you to check on her at X time, or will text you an alternative time later that day if she can't deal with it at the agreed time. She needs to agree to follow certain rules (put clothes away, open curtains and/or windows, make bed. Change sheets, hoover - whatever is important to you) and if she does this on the agreed schedule then you can agree to keep respecting her privacy.

Is this something you think would work for her?

Butterfly44 · 07/10/2022 18:16

Bedroom is their space. I knock before I enter.

Allmarbleslost · 07/10/2022 18:25

My 14 year old autistic dd is just like this. Her room is very much her space and she doesn't like other people in there. I don't force my way in. I'm a firm believer in pick your battles and her life is difficult enough.

Snoken · 07/10/2022 18:51

dodobookends · 07/10/2022 17:28

It is not her house, it's yours.

A friend of mine had this issue with his twin teen boys. He took their bedroom door off its hinges and put it in the loft, and told them they could have it back again when they learned some respect.

Show quote history

It’s their home too, and their room should be theirs to enjoy in peace. What a horrible thing to do to take their door off so that they can never have any privacy. Do people not want to have a good relationship with their kids, I guess some people just want to be feared and be right. Poor parenting in my opinion.

WheresTheLambSauce · 07/10/2022 21:03

dodobookends · 07/10/2022 17:28

It is not her house, it's yours.

A friend of mine had this issue with his twin teen boys. He took their bedroom door off its hinges and put it in the loft, and told them they could have it back again when they learned some respect.

Show quote history

One of my friends had a mother who did similar, saying she had a right to enter whenever she pleased. It left my friend with severe trust issues and difficulty in maintaining boundaries. Everyone should have a right to privacy, and removing that boundary from a child just exacerbates any feelings of distrust.

For some people, their idea of mutual respect seems to be: "If you do not respect me as an authority figure, then I will not respect you as a fellow human being."

Mediumred · 08/10/2022 03:01

We have an autistic Dd14 and we never go in her room, even the suggestion we might use/change it after she leaves home is deeply unsettling for her.

In all other respects she is doing well - school, friendships, home - and is an amazing young woman, she just has to guard her space and we don’t want to make it a source of conflict.

Rockbird · 08/10/2022 03:17

14yo autistic daughter who also hates people in her room. We text and phone a lot which was recommended by various people that she's seen and it works really well. She also comes out and chats to me but she's very very territorial about her space so we rarely go into her room.

It's tidy and clean and her safe space so I don't have a problem with that. She wears AirPods a lot too so calling for her doesn't work. But I've had headphones glued to my ears since the first Walkman was launched so I get it! I'm also autistic.

I used to threaten to take the door off when she slammed it as a preteen but I never would, it's a horrible thing to do.

SpidersAreShitheads · 08/10/2022 03:56

I'm autistic and my two DC are both autistic, although they're a bit younger (12 yrs old). FWIW, I hate people in my house and I hate people in my space, other than DP and my DC.

I agree with PP, my initial instinct is that autism is playing a very significant part in how your DD is, OP. Autism often presents as a need to control things, and as anxiety, especially in girls. Suddenly advancing into "her" space will feel like an invasion and if she doesn't know when it's going to happen, it might leave her feeling on edge a lot of the time.

I use WhatsApp to communicate with my DD quite regularly. It works really well and she's able to communicate things that she would struggle to do in person. Would a warning via WhatsApp help, maybe 10 minutes before you want to enter her room? And maybe letting her know briefly what it's about? She might be feeling anxious that you might look for things that she's done "wrong" while you're in there so reassurance that you're just coming in to talk about XYZ could help?

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 08/10/2022 14:19

Thank you so much, I agree lots of people don't understand autism and sometimes you have to do things a little differently.

It's hard to separate the autism from teenage behaviour and to know what to let go.

I suppose there is no actual reason for my wanting to go in, other than knowing she's ok or wanting to talk to her. But there are other ways of doing this. I do find communicating with her on WhatsApp or FaceTime a bit frustrating when she's just upstairs but if she's comfortable with that, then so be it.

Sometimes she asks me to go in for a cuddle which is nice, but it's very much on her terms.

OP posts: