Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

2 adult sons not bothered with my birthday

32 replies

Bilbo1237 · 06/10/2022 16:08

Ok well to start I told them not to bother buying me a present, they are 19 and 22 they both live a 3 hour drive from me.
lone of them bought me a present in March and said it was an early birthday present( it was quite expensive) so I said don’t worry about getting me something you’ve spent enough on me.
the other one is tight on money as he’s just got his own place so I said not to worry about it.
in no way do I expect money to be spent on me, but I did think I would get a bar of chocolate as a gesture.
I don’t give to receive but it was more an acknowledgment of how much I do for them.
I gave one £3000 for a car, the other had 2000 to help him move, I used all my savings to help which I did happily and do not begrudge them it at all. I offered they didn’t ask.
im a mumsy mum if you know what I mean, nothing is to much trouble for any of my children
am I been selfish? I did say don’t bother but I didn’t think they would do nothing.
I’ve had a card off one and the other is lost in the post.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 06/10/2022 16:11

So you told them not to bother, and you're upset they did as you asked?

I'd have still produced a card personally, but eh.

thisplaceisweird · 06/10/2022 16:12

You told them not to give you anything, and they did what you asked... You can't expect people not to be literal just because you aren't. They've both sent cards which is nice.

theemmadilemma · 06/10/2022 16:12

Oh I missed that. So they send cards, but no presents as requested.

Not sure what the issue is.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 06/10/2022 16:12

You're not being selfish but you're being a bad communicator and it's led to a misunderstanding. You told them not to get you anything (else). So they didn't. What on earth has their car money etc got to do with it?

Cheeselog · 06/10/2022 16:13

Why did you tell them not to get you anything if you actually did want them to?

Shamoo · 06/10/2022 16:13

They should have got you a card. But you can’t tell them not to get you a gift and then be upset they didn’t get you a gift!

DoodlePug · 06/10/2022 16:16

If they send cards plus a call or text that's sufficient if you told them not to buy you a present.

I think it'd be weird getting a bar of chocolate or other token gift, presumably they'd need to post it so added hassle and expense for something you'd pick yourself up when you go shopping.

Remembering and acknowledging is far more important.

Ragwort · 06/10/2022 16:21

By describing yourself as a 'mumsy mum' Hmm you sound like an absolute martyr and a doormat. Don't be so dependent and reliant on your adult DC to provide for your emotional needs ... make sure you've got other things going on in your life.

EndlessMagpies · 06/10/2022 16:24

Young men are notorious for not bothering with such fripperies as cards and presents.

On the plus side, they are usually not all that bothered if people don't by them cards and presents either.

Original poster
Bilbo1237 · 06/10/2022 16:24

Your probably right. I’ve been a stay at home or worked from home to be there for them and now 2 have left I’m a bit lost. Sometimes you need an outsiders point of view to help you see more clearly.

OP posts:
GoneBeserk · 06/10/2022 16:26

But you did get an expensive gift in March! I think yabu. If you tell someone not to worry about it, and they did send a card, you cannot really complain. These are young men, they are not going yo be thinking about your birthday.

My mum is dead now but I had to remind my brother EVERY year not to forget her birthday or Mother's day. And my sweet mum would always be so touched he had remembered.

Boys are traditionally pretty useless at this stuff as they really don't care themselves.

liveforsummer · 06/10/2022 16:26

They've treated you previously, you've told them not to bother plus they have sent cards. Not sure what else they could/should have done short of ignoring your request.

EndlessMagpies · 06/10/2022 16:26

Aargh - not by, BUY.

Why is it I only ever spot typos in the millisecond after I post?

Isittrueornot · 06/10/2022 16:28

Why would you tell them not to get you anything?? You’re their mum, of course you should tell them to get you something nice.

All your doing here is telling them that you don’t matter and mums are not worth time or effort, which you can now see is the case. Hope they don’t think it’s normal and go on to treat the mother of their children like it. Why would you tell them not to bother??

Original poster
Bilbo1237 · 06/10/2022 16:33

@Isittrueornot i don’t want them to spend their money on me but I suppose I expected a token, but reading other people comments I probably am been unreasonable as I did say don’t.
they are both generous boys usually. They have both not long moved out so maybe I’m just feeling a bit lost.

OP posts:
Toomanysleepycats · 06/10/2022 16:37

I agree with gone berserk, I think boys need it spelling out and quite often take things literally.

Please make sure that you get the respect and thanks you deserve from them. It will make them better people. (And their future wives will benefit as well).

sheepdogdelight · 06/10/2022 16:40

Toomanysleepycats · 06/10/2022 16:37

I agree with gone berserk, I think boys need it spelling out and quite often take things literally.

Please make sure that you get the respect and thanks you deserve from them. It will make them better people. (And their future wives will benefit as well).

OP did spell it out. She said "don't worry about getting me anything". And they didn't.

Personally I think she needs to work on her spelling out what she actually wants skills.

cosmiccosmos · 06/10/2022 16:50

Did they contact you on your birthday? Call you or WhatsApp?

In that situation I would expect cards and a call but not a gift if I'd said don't bother. Don't be the annoying person who doesn't communicate clearly and expects people to know what they want/expect.

Original poster
Bilbo1237 · 06/10/2022 16:51

@cosmiccosmos one has one hasn’t yet.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 06/10/2022 16:54

You told them not to get you anything! Poor guys, they can't do anything right, can they?
Plus, an adult making a fuss about their own birthday is a bit..... unnecessary.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 06/10/2022 16:55

Happy birthday @Bilbo1237 !

I think probably you're just missing them. Try to have a nice chat with each of them on your birthday if you haven't already.

But do learn the lesson of this at Christmas/next year. Allow them to get you a present, it's good to exchange gifts that's why we do it. Set a price limit if it makes you more comfortable (and stick to it yourself!!) even £5 for example but maybe £20 more sensible. Being a "don't trouble about little old me!" martyr will just make you feel crap and teach them (because they're still young and learning) that treating people isn't important. Because if they don't get their own mum a present would they think to get a partner a nice gift etc?

Hope you buy yourself something nice and have a good day Cake

Doingprettywellthanks · 06/10/2022 16:56

This aside

what is your relationship like with your sons generally?

Motnight · 06/10/2022 16:57

What's a mumsy mum?

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 06/10/2022 16:57

GoneBeserk · 06/10/2022 16:26

But you did get an expensive gift in March! I think yabu. If you tell someone not to worry about it, and they did send a card, you cannot really complain. These are young men, they are not going yo be thinking about your birthday.

My mum is dead now but I had to remind my brother EVERY year not to forget her birthday or Mother's day. And my sweet mum would always be so touched he had remembered.

Boys are traditionally pretty useless at this stuff as they really don't care themselves.

Just for some balance my brother reminds me EVERY year about mum's birthday and Mothers Day, has done since we were teens (when I was forgetful, now I already know but I appreciate him thinking to remind me).

Original poster
Bilbo1237 · 06/10/2022 17:01

@Motnight it what my friends call me, it’s generally they are waited on hand and foot.

OP posts: