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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old DS and 18 year old potential girlfriend ?

30 replies

PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:21

What do you think of this age gap? I'm a bit worried about it

I'm fortunate in that my 16 year old son tells me stuff so I am honestly thankful for that but sometimes all I seen to do is mentally sigh!

So he plays a game online and he's been playing with a girl of 18. He's just 16 and she's just 18.

I've heard them chatting, I've seen her, I've said hello over FaceTime

He 'really likes her' and wants to meet her and her likewise

He's asked me and said he'd like to meet her halfway between where we live and she lives (50 mins ish and he's confident in n trains) , just for the day, assured me he'd be back by 10pm and would not be going back to her house.

He's also said he's very happy for me to have a proper chat with her if it would make me more comfortable

But I don't like it much. Why would an 18 year old be interested in a 16 year old? They've been playing for months together so when he was 15 and her 17.

Incidentally I am very sure there's no sex stuff right now. He's too ... sensible maybe? He tells me he has liked her for months but would never have done anything whilst he was still 15. And he says he'd like to spend actual time with her before deciding if they want to have some sort of relationship

So yes. On the one hand he's quite sensible but on the other hand he isn't

What would you do? How would you handle it? Would it even bother you?

All I've said so far is thanked him for being honest with me and raised concerns over 16 vs 18.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:22

And of course if I just say ' no, not having this. You're not meeting her, it's weird and she's too old' he will just go underground with it all

So I can't do that. And he really IS just 16..very recent birthday

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 25/09/2022 18:23

Are they one school year apart? I don't think that's so unusual...

MolliciousIntent · 25/09/2022 18:24

I think with those ages the more important question is not how big is the age gap, but how many school years is it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2022 18:25

I’d be proud of raising such an honest, sensible young man and wouldn’t have your concerns.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:25

No. He is year 11 and she has left school. She is currently working in a cafe whilst she decides on things like uni

The age gap is just over 2 years

OP posts:
Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:26

@MrsSkylerWhite he honestly is very good like this. Of course he's also an absolute pain and he'd too me initially they were the same age

He then came to me and said ' mum I've told you a lie and I think I want to be honest with you because I know you'd want to keep me safe'

So I didn't tell him off for lying in the first place!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:27

I just know that when I was 18 I would have zero interest in what was - until last week - a 15 year old

OP posts:
candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:28

I honestly can't see why you're even posting about this, let alone worrying about it.

That's a very normal, average age gap. He is above the age of consent, and they have a joint hobby/interest which answers your 'what does an 18yo see in your 16yo'

Also if they're both into online pursuits she might be shy, not confident and therefore maybe less mature than other 18 year old women.

candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:29

PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:27

I just know that when I was 18 I would have zero interest in what was - until last week - a 15 year old

As an adult woman with a teenage son, you must understand not everyone is the same right?

I wouldn't dream of touching a 16 year old at 18, I couldn't think of anything worse, I always dated at least 4-5 years older because young men, especially are shit in bed and I didn't want to be teacher to a spotty 16-17 yo. But not all women are the same, some 18 year olds aren't as mature, some might even be ND.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:30

@candycaneframe yes I think you're right there maybe. She is perhaps less mature than some 18 year olds and she's keen for me to know the situation

I just want him to be safe I suppose. I've deliberately under reacted with him as I want him to keep chatting to me

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 25/09/2022 18:31

PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:27

I just know that when I was 18 I would have zero interest in what was - until last week - a 15 year old

This is a very reasonable stance I think.

But from the sounds of it, they've never met in person, so she probably doesn't actually have a very realistic idea of his maturity level/appearance/behaviour etc. You might find that if they meet in person it fizzles.

FWIW OP I'd be telling him he could go, but that you'll be going to the same place at the same time, because that is the only sensible way to handle your child meeting someone they met online

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:33

@MolliciousIntent yes I'd certainly be very available when they meet that's for sure.

I just need to examine what it is I don't like. He'd initially told me she was 16 before being honest and I was fine with that of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:34

And I wonder about the sexes being reversed. An 18 year old boy chatting and playing with a 15 year old girl (and he was 15 until last week)

However I do know that he would not go down a sex route with her before meeting so that's something I suppose

OP posts:
LunaLoveLemon · 25/09/2022 18:36

I feel like this is a bit sexist? If it was a 16 year old girl with an 18 year old boy no one would think twice. You’ve said yourself he’s very sensible, so maybe he comes across as more mature than the average yr 11 boy.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:38

@LunaLoveLemon oh I can promise you I'd be exactly the same with my daughter (who's an adult now so irrelevant!)

But my concerns would be the same

OP posts:
candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:38

PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:34

And I wonder about the sexes being reversed. An 18 year old boy chatting and playing with a 15 year old girl (and he was 15 until last week)

However I do know that he would not go down a sex route with her before meeting so that's something I suppose

But that's also a very normal age gap for the sexes being reversed. In fact I'd say the majority of teen relationships at that age have a 2 year gap.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:43

@candycaneframe I know. I had plenty when I was younger with older boys

I need to think more about why I'm concerned. He doesn't know the extent of my concern, I've told him I'm proud of him for being honest with me and that is all he needs to be going forward. And he has been told that there is nothing he can do / take / whatever that he can't tell me about if he's ever concerned

This has lead to him in the past few months ...

Coming home and telling me he's tried someone's vape

Phoning and telling me he'd had three ciders and been sick and please could I come and get him

Coming home and telling me he has had a tiny smoke of a spliff

So it maybe feels like another THING! And yep I know it's all very very normal teenage stuff but maybe I'm just inwardly having a bit of a WTF now moment

OP posts:
MrJi · 25/09/2022 18:44

LunaLoveLemon · 25/09/2022 18:36

I feel like this is a bit sexist? If it was a 16 year old girl with an 18 year old boy no one would think twice. You’ve said yourself he’s very sensible, so maybe he comes across as more mature than the average yr 11 boy.

I agree.
It isn’t a worrying age gap to me, I have teenage dds of a similar age (15 and 17).
There can be big differences in levels of maturity and common sense in the mid to late teens, some youngsters will be much more sensible and thoughtful than others. I would take their personalities and general maturity into account more than their actual ages in this situation, given that they are both teenagers.

Beamur · 25/09/2022 18:45

They both sound very sweet and mindful of your son's age.
He's been very open and honest with you and I would grateful for that - it's also mature and thoughtful of him to understand that your approval is important here.
I would let them meet and keep communication open with him.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:45

@MrJi ok that makes sense to me. In some ways (not all) he can be mature and maybe she's somewhat younger

OP posts:
PacificState · 25/09/2022 18:45

Your DS sounds lovely (and maybe that's what she likes about him...)

I think as he's done you the compliment of being honest, you could do the same?

'Honestly, I'm a bit freaked out and I don't even know why. At your age that seems like a significant age gap - if your sister was 16 and talking about meeting up with an 18yo she'd met on the internet I'd be freaking out too. Would it be alright if I found a cafe/pub nearby and waited for you there? And you send me a message every hour or so to let me know you're alright? I promise I won't be like this every time.'

Sounds like you have a really good relationship with him.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:46

@PacificState yes I like that. He'd absolutely say no to me being close by that's for sure but he would agree to keeping me updated every couple of hours

OP posts:
candycaneframe · 25/09/2022 18:47

PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:43

@candycaneframe I know. I had plenty when I was younger with older boys

I need to think more about why I'm concerned. He doesn't know the extent of my concern, I've told him I'm proud of him for being honest with me and that is all he needs to be going forward. And he has been told that there is nothing he can do / take / whatever that he can't tell me about if he's ever concerned

This has lead to him in the past few months ...

Coming home and telling me he's tried someone's vape

Phoning and telling me he'd had three ciders and been sick and please could I come and get him

Coming home and telling me he has had a tiny smoke of a spliff

So it maybe feels like another THING! And yep I know it's all very very normal teenage stuff but maybe I'm just inwardly having a bit of a WTF now moment

You must be doing a cracking job for him to feel so comfortable coming to you with this stuff.

I'd keep remembering that, you've raised a child who feels like he can talk to you about anything, and trusts you as his mother to guide him too.

You can tell him of your fears, you never know he might be able to help ease them, his suggestions in your first post seem reasonable, talking to her first, going out for the day half way between the both of them etc.

Original poster
PlayOwls · 25/09/2022 18:47

@Beamur yes because if I say 'not a chance pal' he will do it anyway and I can't stop him.

And he knows this and I know this.

He says he told me because he knows I'd want to try and keep him safe and because he wanted my opinion on it all

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 25/09/2022 18:48

You sound like a great mum who has raised a thoughtful young man.

I understand why you feel some concern but feel this is a fairly typical situation. My first BF was 18 months younger than me, when I was 17. I guess looking back he was v mature and I wasn't.

Maybe it's the thought of the sexual aspect of the relationship making you feel uncomfortable?

As PPs have said I would let him go but ensure he understands expectations of communication and getting home. It might be that once they meet the relationship shifts to a friendship.

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