Daughter is lonely

[Geronim]

Please help. My 13 yo daughter hasn’t a single friend. We live in a very small village with no children of my daughter’s age. She started secondary school in September 2020 with no friends going from her former primary due to catchment issues , but because of the lockdowns she was hardly there in Y7. She made a friend at the end of the first year and was very happy but because another girl made friends and began to dominate the other, stirring up trouble then subsequently leaving the school at the end of last year, it has left my daughter extremely anxious and isolated. She said she is trying to make new friends but other friendship groups are already formed and people just aren’t interested.


She is very quiet, speaks quietly and lacks confidence. However, she is the loveliest girl. Adults and younger children love her because she listens and she loves adult company having two adult sisters (six year age gap). She loves her animals and has a cracking sense if humour. The school has a no phones policy so break times and lunch are agony for her. She said she just stands alone but near people so she is not conspicuous.


We have been to the school on several occasions and they suggested clubs. She joined three clubs but she turned up to two to find no one there. One was an evening club and the teacher didn’t turn up and she wasn’t told it was cancelled! The other club was chess so the kids turned up with partners but more often than not she ended up playing agaiinst a teacher. We have been twice to the school but their underlying message is we can’t make her make friends. I took this on board and encouraged my dd to complete a task list, compliment a potential friend, join a new club, ask to sit or stand with a friendship group, become a library monitor. She said she does but she stands there or sits and she is ignored. She is social anxious and so taking the next step is hard.


We encouraged her to go to an art club outside of school buy the closest was 20 mile away so there were no local kids and again other kids went with friends. We are looking for similar, nearer but there seems to be nothing with kids her age from her school catchment.


We have suggested moving schools but she loves the teachers and the lessons and as she said she sees it as her problem not the school’s. We have had help when she moved her primary school due to bullying and it took two years of wonderful work by the local CofE school to get her self esteem back up. She also saw someone from the local health service. She is deeply affected by her experience with a teacher that used to shout at children in her first junior school. Now she won’t speak up in class unless asked. She was so traumatised that we removed her. I later found out that another parent raised concerns as their child was developing a stammer.

This took two years to deal with but I think it may have affected her more than we realised. I remember a comment from her teachers at her virtual leavers service at the new school saying she was so polite and respectful. My experience of working at a secondary school is that polite and respectful isn’t too cool with teenagers and now I’m starting to question my parenting of her. Have I placed manners above confidence? My other two daughters who are both at uni now were respectful but confident. Is my youngest just highly sensitive? My head is going round looking for both the reason and the solution.



My dd is starting to ask us questions like, am I not a good person to know, Dad? Why is it so hard to make friends ? Why does nobody listen Mum? I remember my other daughters having initial friendship issues but nothing like this.

Has anyone got experience that could help with this? I’m really worried about her.

Bless her. This is so hard. What are her interests ?

Sounds like you are doing all the right things

One error kids (and adults) make in making friends is to try to be friends with someone who is already popular. Maybe your DD should look around the playground to see who else is alone. There will be some other kids without a strong group who are on the periphery and trying not to be noticed. Those are the people to approach and hang out with.

Similarly if there is a team game, offer to join on the losing side. The winning side doesn't want more people but the losing side is much more likely to accept an extra player.

Another good option is to have a game - a deck of cards or top trumps etc at break and ask one other lonely kid to play.

I'm sorry you're both going through this... Girls (in my own experience - my DD is 16) are fickle creatures and image is (rightly or wrongly) of supreme importance. Does she have the 'right' shoes/bag for school? Am not saying this will get her friends (and I hate the fickleness as much as the next person) but it will make her more 'acceptable' and potentially attract interest from some of the little cliques that have formed. I wouldn't be surprised if she's not the only person in her year going through this (despite what it might feel like), can school help identify anyone else that she could perhaps pair up with? She needs to fill her 'downtime' (lunch and breaks) with activities - can she help with the new year 7s (you said she gets on well with younger students)? Or volunteer in the library or somewhere? Perhaps she needs to put herself out there a bit more (easier said than done, I know). Maybe the others just have her down as a bit of a loner and think she enjoys being by herself? Can she identify a small group of quiet girls and try approaching them?Friends can be 'bought' at that age with the sharing of food etc. I hope things improve for her soon - it's great she likes the school and teachers which is half the battle with secondary school!

You haven't done anything wrong but I think you are in danger of helping your daughter make a Big Deal out of a normal teen experience.

You going into her secondary school about friendship issues is futile and gives your daughter the message that she's different, and that something about her needs fixing - especially given you had to move her from one primary school.

Try a lighter touch "don't be daft, of course you're a good person - it can sometimes take a while to find your tribe but you will! Let's make some brownies/watch Schitts Creek"

It might help if she did an out of school activity which involves being part of a team. Netball? Young people's drama group? Encourage her to go with the intention of having fun rather than focusing on making friends. Lightness of touch!

Best of luck.

Good advice in both counts. Thank you so much. Parietal

Thank you. My dd has squiffy teeth at the moment. One is growing at 45 degrees to her gum. We are struggling with getting the orthodontist to treat her as all her teeth haven’t come through yet. I think this is affecting her confidence too and so she won’t smile-one of the social cues we rely on, I guess. Her next appointment is in December, I’m hoping they do something about her teeth. We have been shopping recently for school stuff. Done all the usual things before returning to school, had her hair done, eyebrows etc. The school is pretty strict on uniform. No earrings or makeup. Otherwise she’s very fit, lovely skin and beautiful hair. Things we compliment on frequently. Most girls have hand bags which she had but wanted a fabric backpack this year. Certainly thinking about the quiet kids on the periphery is good advice. Thank you so much fir taking time to reply.

Aww your daughter sounds lovely. If she likes animals and you live rurally- would she enjoy horse riding? It's where my daughter found her clique and it boosted her confidence and gave her an amazing social life. She even asked to change to be in the same school as her riding friends and is super happy there.

On the subject of the "right" things to have... Nike bags are "in" according to my nearly 13-year-old. I see many kids have them. Also AirUp bottles apparently are the thing yo have 🤔and Kickers as school shoes or (if your school allows it) black Nike Air Force 1 shoes (we didn't buy new - bought off Vinted/ebay).

As a teen who needed braces what I'm about to say is totally mental to me, but my daughter says braces are "in" and is BEGGING for braces (despite being told by a dentist that she has straight teeth and therefore can't have them on the NHS). She even found websites that sell fake braces and has been trying to convince me to buy some, so she can have the "braces look" 🫣

Hi, I am sorry to hear your DD is lonely.

My view is that parents can, with the best of intentions, make this worse for kids by constantly discussing it and trying to fix it. I have older children and they made friends a bit later than 13, by 16 they were settled with friends. But also some people are very quiet.

What do you want for your child? Ultimatey we want: health, a good education, some friends, a loving family, a rewarding job, some interests. Friends are only one of these things - make sure you don't make them your sole focus. Spend as much time talking about each other thing as you do about friends.

I would be tempted to look for something you could do with her, so you are together and with other people. Maybe a sporting activity, or craft? Something with plenty of people. Another thing is get her into multi-age activities - I was in a campaigning organisation where we were aged from 14 to ancient and this was very sociable. And finally you could get her volunteering as soon as you can. One of mine did stuff in a local library, this was great for their confidence.

Ultimately all you can do is fill the time with as much positivity as you can. I wonder if school is trying to advise you to back off a bit?

I would also say that 13 is a very tricky age for teenage girls, from my recollection. All of the friendship groups in our class imploded at around that time; I was bullied by girls who had previously been good friends, and who are actually now some of my closest friends. It a just seems to go bonkers at that time. Kids that skew "younger" in terms of their interest or perceived maturity feel like they are really missing out because it's all about the "cool kids" who suddenly seem to be taking risks, trying new things etc. It might be a case of riding it out to some degree. Attempt to find interests outside school, keep it neutral in school (don't take sides, blend into the background) and then when it all shifts onto calmer territory next year, she'll be placed to step up a bit and seek opportunities. It's so hard, but sometimes you don't always find your tribe until sixth form or beyond.

Have you looked at some drama groups outside school which could build her confidence and allow her to make friends out of school?

Hang in there… my daughter had a terrible couple of months this time last year. Went with a different secondary to most of her friends but had a ‘best friend.’ They were inseparable and this was fine until she left to be home schooled and my daughter had no one. She was alone each and every break and lunch and school had short lunches so no clubs etc. people laughed at her and asked if she was going to each lunch in the toilet. We approached school and they paired her up with chatty friendly (not popular) types in lessons and this slowly rebuilt her confidence. She’s now got a small friendship group for lunches and breaks. The thing that seemed to help was giving one friendly boy her mobile phone number and that seemed to open her into his friendship circle. That’s really helped with school work - it’s easy to ask questions about homework and then start chatting sociably.

She sounds just lovely and you sound like an ace mum! Iots of good adviceabove. Can the head of year not help her out/keep an eye?
I'm sure she'll find her tribe soon .lots of luck - she'll get there.xx

Hope your DD is ok it's tough when you don't have someone to pass the time of day with. How does she get to/from school - could she walk with someone, get the bus together?
It does sound a bit she's hoping for instant friendship through group attendance and these things take time so she should persevere with chess and whatever else she tries (someone else may join or friends don't always attend) but chess is quite an introspective pastime.
If there's a subject she likes or a joint project at school for a topic could she invite someone home to work on it together?
My friends daughter told her everyone else was paired up & would sometimes walk out of school she felt so isolated, gradually she found friends and is now happy with a small group of 'nice' girls.
Definitely speak to the pastoral team again. Once she's into GCSEs she will be with people who at least enjoy the same topics as she does.

I had this at school! It was horrible. But it passed and some of the friends I made eventually I am still close to now.

Don't make a big deal out of it. Really. Stop trying to find ways to make friends, and start trying to find ways to be happy in her own company - can she go and sit in the library with a book at break time? And then in her free out-of-school time take up some hobbies that she likes for their own sake, not to make friends.

I know it's tiring and confidence-sapping for a teenager to feel like the odd one out, but friends will turn up organically in the end. In the meantime, self-sufficiency is a life skill to learn that could really help her down the line - if she knows that being on her own isn't that scary, she's going to have the confidence and resilience to sidestep abusive relationships, for example.

I'd go backto the school and say you are not happy at their indifference. Do they know of any other children in the year who have social anxiety or who are struggling to make friends, and can they set up a group for them? I would be prepared to push quite hard until they act, as social isolation is a massive inidicator for depression and lack of confidence which can have a knock on effect on exams etc. She absolutely won't be the only one. She just hasn't met the others yet.

If that doesn't work, maybe she should join one or two of the bigger more popular lunch time or after school clubs, like drama or choir, and not worry too much about making friends at first, just go to the sessions as something to do. If she hangs around long enough, she will make friends. Does the school have any clubs for quieter children, such as coding or creative writing?

I do agree with PP that at that age they are all so fickle and care mainly about what brands you wear so if you can afford to make sure she has clothes that fit in, do.

What about less interest focussed out of school groups like Scouts and Guides? Not to everyone's taste but we found them very inclusive for our socially awkward teen. New people who worked to actively include her, it was the making of her. Obviously it only works if you have well run groups locally, they're volunteers after all but worth a look. We found that it helped that they weren't competitive like some other clubs which suited her and she got to try lots of different activities. Good luck! She sounds delightful and I hope she finds her tribe.

Oh my.
You could have been writing about me.
So listen carefully
I was also the polite and well mannered child.
BUT
You mentioned anxiety.
This will be coming off her in waves and though subconscious will be off putting- especially if she doesn't smile.
I used to think 'why doesn't anyone like me?'
My face would betray my thought and my miserable face would have any would be friend running in the opposite direction.
I still have to work on it lol
But what works today would have worked as a teen.
Smile at people - with no expectation or judgement.
Be happy ( fake it till you make it)
Be interested, genuinely interested in others.
Genuine compliments.
Lighten up
Don't take yourself too seriously
And YES the latest bag / shoes / clothes if you can afford them.
But neat and clean works just as well if you have the right energy / personality / inner peace.
There was a young Irish girl in my class when I was a teen. Everyone liked her, she liked everyone else - even me.
I once asked her how come she made friends so easily - when I didn't.
She said because she 'wasn't fussy'
Not sure if that were true - maybe, but she always had a smile and always had laugh - she made people feel good.
Very intelligent and lovely to all.
I did make friends and still do , though I do like space and my own company.
As for the shouty teacher - yes this will effect her 'not feeling good enough '
Maybe short term self esteem therapy?
But in short - get her to write any positive comments she gets each night before bed.
Few deep breathes when she feels a bit anxious/ stressed
AND
Her affirmation :
'I am Enough '.

A few thoughts ...

I think another strategy might be to try to turn it on its head. She is a caring girl, and without a doubt she will not be the only lonely child there. I'd be encouraging her to find another one, and "help" them (obviously with the purpose of securing a friendship for herself!).

I remember at a similar age starting a different secondary school from my friends. I was similarly brought up with strong values, and I distinctly remember looking around my tutor group one morning wondering who might be my potential friends and deciding I didn't like any of them because they were all rather brash teenagers ... so for quite a while I didn't make the effort on that basis! If she's either still a child or an adult before her time, she may not actually be that keen on getting to know them (who'd actually want to hang out with 13 year olds, apart from other 13 year olds!). Does she actually want to be friends with them? If she's happier with (appropriate) adult company, maybe hanging out with a bunch of teens is just something which has to be endured for her?

Final thought - sorry, this is harsh - removing children from school because things were wrong is sometimes necessary and no one can criticise at all as only you know the circumstances, but I would say that happening twice (once over bullying, once over a shouting teacher?) is quite unusual and can be traumatic in itself, particularly if they were sudden ("you're not going back there"). Maybe there are some unspoken issues left over about how she felt which need to be brought into the open and talked through so that she understands why you made the decisions you did and to be sure she isn't internalising it as being "about her".

I wouldn't go down the road of changing her style and branded clothing unless she wants to! She won't make any genuine friendships unless she is being herself, and risks a series of failures/rejections if she is going around trying to fit in with a group who are not her kind of people.

@Robin233 *There was a young Irish girl in my class when I was a teen. Everyone liked her, she liked everyone else - even me.

I once asked her how come she made friends so easily - when I didn't.

She said because she 'wasn't fussy'
Not sure if that were true - maybe, but she always had a smile and always had laugh - she made people feel good.

Very intelligent and lovely to all.*

We had a girl like that when I was in school! She was super bright and wasn't a girl who wore the latest fashion, but she was beautiful and always looked pristine regardless of what she was wearing and she was so so nice to everyone! Everyone liked her - from the most to the least popular kids and (even though I was insanely jealous of her 😬) I couldn't help but like her too.

As a pp said. Get her to scope out the other outsiders. In my experience (as a not cool kid myself) they are far more interesting than the cool kids.

Don't be getting her all the trendy gear. Being different is cooler. I'm almost 37 and I wish I hadn't given a rats fat crack about the trends etc when I was back in school.

Also she can use this to her advantage. Study hard, get a fuckin amazing job and reap the benefits of it.
I wish I had done that too as I didn't have friends either.

Thank you so much to all for the great advice. It’s helped us get some perspective and given us some tips for our depleted parent toolkit. She’s had a good day today and mentioned that she had spoken to two girls outside of the class. So fingers crossed, she follows up in this. I loved the sound of the irish girl too.. Brilliant!

Thank you for the giggles too. Some of your stories have cheered me up no end. Just to clarify the bullying was at the same school as the shouty teacher. It was a last resort to move her. It was on the back of advice from the Mental Health nurse. My only regret is that I left her in the school for two years believing she would settle. She didn’t tell me until she was older that the teacher shouted like she did. Having moved around the world with my parents jobs, I remember going through the joys and difficulties of making friends several times over. I remember the schools buddying me up with a girl that was lovely but wasn’t someone I would have chosen myself. Although I was never best buddies with her, she helped my assimilate with my peers and the buddy process gave me the help I needed to form other friendships. So I just keep telling her it takes time and to try to be a friend to make friends. Thank you again for sharing 😊