Daughter is lonely

[Geronim]

Please help. My 13 yo daughter hasn’t a single friend. We live in a very small village with no children of my daughter’s age. She started secondary school in September 2020 with no friends going from her former primary due to catchment issues , but because of the lockdowns she was hardly there in Y7. She made a friend at the end of the first year and was very happy but because another girl made friends and began to dominate the other, stirring up trouble then subsequently leaving the school at the end of last year, it has left my daughter extremely anxious and isolated. She said she is trying to make new friends but other friendship groups are already formed and people just aren’t interested.


She is very quiet, speaks quietly and lacks confidence. However, she is the loveliest girl. Adults and younger children love her because she listens and she loves adult company having two adult sisters (six year age gap). She loves her animals and has a cracking sense if humour. The school has a no phones policy so break times and lunch are agony for her. She said she just stands alone but near people so she is not conspicuous.


We have been to the school on several occasions and they suggested clubs. She joined three clubs but she turned up to two to find no one there. One was an evening club and the teacher didn’t turn up and she wasn’t told it was cancelled! The other club was chess so the kids turned up with partners but more often than not she ended up playing agaiinst a teacher. We have been twice to the school but their underlying message is we can’t make her make friends. I took this on board and encouraged my dd to complete a task list, compliment a potential friend, join a new club, ask to sit or stand with a friendship group, become a library monitor. She said she does but she stands there or sits and she is ignored. She is social anxious and so taking the next step is hard.


We encouraged her to go to an art club outside of school buy the closest was 20 mile away so there were no local kids and again other kids went with friends. We are looking for similar, nearer but there seems to be nothing with kids her age from her school catchment.


We have suggested moving schools but she loves the teachers and the lessons and as she said she sees it as her problem not the school’s. We have had help when she moved her primary school due to bullying and it took two years of wonderful work by the local CofE school to get her self esteem back up. She also saw someone from the local health service. She is deeply affected by her experience with a teacher that used to shout at children in her first junior school. Now she won’t speak up in class unless asked. She was so traumatised that we removed her. I later found out that another parent raised concerns as their child was developing a stammer.

This took two years to deal with but I think it may have affected her more than we realised. I remember a comment from her teachers at her virtual leavers service at the new school saying she was so polite and respectful. My experience of working at a secondary school is that polite and respectful isn’t too cool with teenagers and now I’m starting to question my parenting of her. Have I placed manners above confidence? My other two daughters who are both at uni now were respectful but confident. Is my youngest just highly sensitive? My head is going round looking for both the reason and the solution.



My dd is starting to ask us questions like, am I not a good person to know, Dad? Why is it so hard to make friends ? Why does nobody listen Mum? I remember my other daughters having initial friendship issues but nothing like this.

Has anyone got experience that could help with this? I’m really worried about her.

I have similar with dd. She volunteers at a community group with younger children who look up to her. It doesn’t help on the friendship bit but it is great for her self worth.

I know this post tied up in September last year, but I was searching through posts about lonely kids for advice as I have one. This post is like reading about my daughter, she's so lonely and stays on the outside of groups and doesn't get involved. Geronim, how is your daughter now?

Hi, We turned the corner at the beginning of the year and my daughter is like a different child!!! She has a small group of friends, really nice girls who love and support my daughter.
We made the decision at the Christmas break to set a deadline of Feb half-term, and if things hadn't improved, we were ready to jump ship and try another school. At the same time, we went to see a psychotherapist. My husband and I attended the sessions together with my daughter, and it really helped to talk through her problems with a stranger. The school was no help at all, and what came out of the sessions was how the school dealt with the incident that happened to her, contributed to her pain, and endorsed the other kid's power over her. The psychotherapist talked to her about "The Drama Triangle", which made a lot of sense to me as well as her. Having worked in a school, I know how some kids thrive on drama and others get sucked in when they see someone upset. Talking through her problems, and encouraging her to make small changes really helped. It was really making all the members of our family unit very low because we couldn't see a way out. Like all parents, we love her dearly and could see it was making her deeply unhappy. Interestingly, when I spoke to my daughter's friends' Mum's, they had similar issues and thoughts about changing schools. Their children were also scared of the disruptive kids at school too. They just want to relax and learn.

The problem with girls her age is they perceive that if you're not in the 'popular' group, then you're a nerd or weird. I've thought about this a lot, young people want to stand out in some ways, but in other ways, they appear like clones, same hair, the same shoes, same bag. Safety in similarity. The advice we gave her was just to be kind. Say kind things to people. People love to talk about themselves, so listen and wait.

I was so proud of my daughter in the sessions. What she could articulate in terms of her feelings, how balanced she was and how emotionally intelligent. The therapist really just let her talk. There was no agenda; just let her talk; she even helped conquer my DD's fear of lifts. It was £50 a session, weekly to start with but then as and when. It's been the best money we have spent on making her feel better.

My personal opinion is that school is the starting point. There does need to be some commitment from the child to try different approaches. It is easier to get children to commit to doing small things, and having someone she had built a rapport with and trusted, helped. We all committed to doing the relaxation exercises also.

I hope your daughter, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!

Oh there must be something in my eye.

What a lovely positive amazing update.

Amazing update!!! I am sure there will be people who come across this thread in the future who will take hope and maybe helpful ideas from this thread! Hooray for your DD!!
<Wrings hanky>

That’s such wonderful news - she’s a v lucky child and I hope she has a lovely fulfilling life ahead of her 👍🏿👍🏿☘️

Fantastic update. Gives me a little bit of hope for my DD xx

Thank for this lovely update. I am am so pleased that things improved for your daughter. Money well spent I'd say! I wish you happiness and love. X

This.

I wish you and your daughter well; I'm sorry I got distracted by my DD yesterday as I was typing the end of my thread; she was knocking at the window asking for my help putting outdoor lights up!
I didn't get to say that what you're going through and where you are, can be a dark place, with all the tantrums (directed mainly at you), crying, hormones, and, god forbid, nothing worse. But these are just symptoms, and you need to find the root cause, which may need outside help.

What you have is one amazingly beautiful, sensitive child. My midwife, a wonderful woman, when I asked her, "What shall I do, my baby just constantly cries? I'm exhausted", said to me "Just love her". I was looking for practical advice and wasn't that impressed at the time. In time, it became the best advice I ever received. Good luck!