Drinking

[helpnowplease]

I'm sitting in my hall watching over my 17yo DS to make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit. He's wet himself maybe three times now. Not one coherent word from him. Unless you count 'fuck', which I guess you can. He was physically carried/dragged into our house by two friends a few hours ago.

This the worst state I've seen him in, although there have been similar. I thought he had turned a corner with drinking (which I realise is a ridiculous thing to say about a 17yo). He had counselling a while back when it was clear he was struggling with some things and also overdoing the drinking, but this week he's had a couple the last few nights, and then this tonight. He's not long back from holiday with friends and for all I know this happened on holiday too, but he did check in with me regularly each day and during nights out and I genuinely don't think he went this far on holiday, for that reason.

He is the the apple of my eye. But I literally don't recognise him tonight and I am scared of what he may become.

Where do I go from here with him please?

I'm sorry you're going through this - hopefully his hangover from hell will put him off. I can't offer advice based on experience but would suggest that you need to get him onboard - if he doesn't want to stop he's just going to carry on in secret which would be even worse. Hopefully someone else on here will have some sage words to share.

Thanks @GingerPigz

I don't know how to make him see sense. I have taken photos and I'll see the state of himself when he wakes, but he's seen it before and we're still here.

I'm meant to be at work in three hours and haven't slept a wink. I don't think I can leave him like this.

Depending upon what you do for a job, I would suggest that your lack of sleep would potentially mean that you won't be able to function properly so you probably shouldn't go in today. What does your DS respond well to (grounding? Losing privileges? Authority?) Is there anyone he looks up to (in my experience it is unlikely to be us mums) - if so, could they perhaps get involved? Why does he drink (for fun? To mask insecurities? Peer pressure?) How does he buy the alcohol (can you cut his source of income if, say, he uses an allowance?) It won't be an overnight fix but do seek solace in the fact that you are not alone and some may even argue that getting pissed out of your head in your teens/early 20's is a rite of passage. For what it's worth, you sound like a great mum and he's lucky to have you.

Really don't feel like a great mum. I let him drink. I've even bought it for him, when I thought he had learned from his past mistakes and was handling it better. He's almost 18 and so he is out at pubs and clubs now, funded by a part time job as that's him finished school and looking for a full time job, Trying to get him prepared for being an adult and having opportunities for himself!

I am one who thinks that drinking is normal for his age, but not to this extent. This is frightening and destructive.

In the past he has got his act together after having his social life curtailed. Not full grounding, but no pubs, parties, etc. And last time, I had his dad take him to stay for a few nights which shocked him a little, I think. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do.

I am hoping I can WFH. Just need to confirm cover with a colleague.

Thank you for posting

Ok. This is tough but you need to stop being an enabler right now. You are not helping him at the moment. Time to step up and tough love him.
Of course he will laugh it off, rant and rage and scream, but what's he using alcohol to hide from? What's hurting him deep down that he needs to run from and self harm so dangerously at such an early age?
Makes me so angry how alcohol ruins lives so easily but is touted as a safe harmless drug.

How do I do that? Of course I'll not be facilitating the drinking after this, but he can fund that himself.

And I wish I knew. Well I thought I did, to an extent. But the counselling seemed to help with that and he said he didn't feel he needed it anymore, and we did see a change. Again, something I will suggest again, but can't force him into.

If he wakes up full of remorse and guilt I wouldn't labour the point - we all make mistakes and that's ok. Onwards and upwards... but if he tries to shrug it off it will be clear that further action is needed. Don't be hard on yourself OP.

That's him finally sober.

I got an apology. I asked why he drinks like this and why it only happens when he's with me, not at his dads. No answer. I told him he's grounded this weekend and next, and I was told that's not happening. That all he did was get drunk and fall asleep.

I'm at a complete loss.

An apology but no remorse... well, as long as the apology was heartfelt (and not just lip service) I think you've got something to work with there. Although you're not with his dad can you work together to devise a plan? I wish I had more advice to give but it would be better coming from an expert or at least someone with experience. Good luck OP

I think he has to be made to understand that being passed out in the hall, pissing himself three times and telling his mother to fuck off is not just getting drunk and falling asleep.

This has to be a tipping point.

How much worse will it have to be to change his behaviour?

Yes, dad and I are trying. We had agreed on the grounding. He does think I've been too lenient with curfews, etc.

He reckons I should just hit him where it hurts, which is money, - scrap my help with driving lessons, scrap my offer to pay for a car for 12 months, and start charging him dig money. His part time job pays anything from £150 - £250 a week just now.

Basically stop subsidising his social life and stop everything that i do for him, lifts, washing, dinners, etc.

I feel like I'm going to lose him.

I should admit, at one point yesterday, when he swore at me, I told him to get out. Of course I retracted that. That was in the afternoon and I think he hadn't quite sobered up.

But he is just so defiant. Never takes responsibility, and there is always someone or something else to blame. Didn't grasp the fact that wetting himself numerous times, or telling his friends to fuck off is ultimately his fault, down to his behaviour, not just 'because he was drunk' .

Even when I asked him about getting home - how would he feel if I told him the police had to bring him home? His reply was along the lines of 'well I'm still home'.

I then told him that's his friends brought him home and he said well he knew that because he would never have done anything at the friends for the police to need to be called.

Absolutely stop funding him. That's madness.

I should say, that's if he still has a job. Was meant to working yesterday. Whether that had already been cancelled last minute or not, I don't know.

It sounds like you are talking about two problems.

Keeping him safe from excessive drinking and that this may indicate you worry about him having a drinking problem as he gets older.

When my Dd was 17 my only worry was her safety at the time. I knew I couldn’t stop her drinking, so I concentrated on what we could do to keep her safe.

We had an agreement she could telephone me anytime she felt unsafe - feeling too drunk, unsafe about her personal safety, boys etc. I would either drive to pick her up or pay for a taxi, no questions asked. Then the morning after a discussion about what she could do better next time.

However, I never saw her vomiting, pissing drunk (she was vomit phobic). We discussed how you have to learn how to drink safely. I bought her a breathalyser so she could check herself before driving the next day, and also so she could learn her alcohol units/breathalyser readings.

It sounds like your DS gets in a far worse state than my DD ever did. I can only suggest you find practicable solutions. Perhaps look up actual statistics on choking on vomit etc and care and first aid etc. perhaps share with him some of what can go wrong.

Boys (and girls) often feel invincible at this age, and anything your sober child agrees to may go out the window as soon as he starts drinking.

Im not sure that I agree with forbidding him to drink as most often that will just lead to him lying as well.

I hope you manage to get through to him.

Would he normally be going out tonight?

More counselling, much more.

Is he introverted, using this as a social crutch?

Please help him understand what's going on and why he's doing this. I wish I'd had that kind of help and I might not have spent years with drinking problems before sinking into alcoholism and finally at 43 sobriety.

Yes, he would probably be going out tonight. His friend is home from working away, so there's probably something happening for that anyway. As I said, told him he's grounded, but he told me he's not. So we'll see.

I have offered more counselling a few months ago. Not interested. I am always checking in, telling him I'm here if he needs me.

No, certainly not an introvert.

How do you help someone who doesn't want your help, because they don't see the issue?

I totally agree with what @sleepymum50 is saying. Yes, you absolutely need him to know that you are in charge by setting boundaries but, as we've now seen, these boundaries need to be enforceable. You can't physically stop him l going out but you can stop, say, his driving lessons or whatever else you pay for... and you MUST follow through to emphasise your authority. I'm not trying to make excuses for his behaviour but it is worth noting that the part of his brain that is used for empathy and reasoning (frontal lobe?) isn't fully developed. That doesn't justify his behaviour per se but it might help you understand it a bit more.

I would send him to live st his DF's if it means he won't drink to excess. If he did this on a cold winters night he could die of exposure.

That's so hard as you can't really stop him. Definitely start charging him keep. Even if you don't need it, put it aside. If he says no, he can get his own place or live with his dad, as you don't need this stress and let him know that.
is he not embarrassed to see his friends after being in that state?

also this is a question for anyone as I genuinely don't know, when does getting very drunk like wetting yourself numerous times, unable to walk and talk etc, warrant medical attention?

To add I can feel how much you love him through your posts ❤ but I think he's being a bit manipulative. I would definitely not go through with the car either, could you relax if you knew he 'd gone somewhere in it and that he could possibly have a drink? I think a car might be one responsibility hes not ready for yet.

I don't even think he would go.

He has a friend who lives in the family home, but only with his big brother. I think that if I told him to leave this house, that's where he would go, before moving in with his dad.

He's just come and left money on the coffee table. I had agreed about the first year of car payments, if he started saving for the insurance deposit and paid the monthly payments for that.

He clearly thinks the car promise is still a given.

@Harrystylestutu this is what I spent much Friday morning worrying about - alcohol poisoning. I was so close to phoning an ambulance, a couple of times. In a way I feel guilty that I didn't, even though he's fine.

Barely been speaking today, apart from the odd question asking where something is and 'yes' 'no' 'thanks' and he's been in his room all day.

Just had a text asking if I want anything ordered from the takeaway, and he'll get it