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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son continues to have laptop in bed overnight

52 replies

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 12:49

We don't have a lot of screen time rules in our house. My two teenagers can use their phones/laptops/tablets all day if they want. We have parental settings on and they generally just play Roblox.

But we do have the rule that at night they bring all devices downstairs before they go to bed.

My 14 year old keeps breaking this rule. Mainly with his laptop. If we found him with it late at night (I usually hear him playing on it when I go up to bed) he would lose access to it the following day. That didn't have much effect so then he'd lose all tech the following day. It kept happening so then he'd lose it for a week. In late April he lost it for a month as I was so fed up that it kept happening.

He got it back in late May then in early June I found him on it in the early hours. On a school night. The biggest issue is that he'll be on it all night then is a nightmare to get up for school and ends up with a detention for being late. So that time I'd had enough and told him he was losing all electronics for a month. He had a bit of a tantrum, it wasn't fair etc but I stuck to my guns and he got through the month.

I thought we'd got through to him but last night I found him at 12.30am on his laptop. I know it's the weekend but it soon wont be and he's back to school next week for Year 10.

I didn't even say anything last night. I just opened the door, stared at him in disbelief and shut it again. I'm out at the moment and he was still in bed so I haven't spoken to him yet but I don't know what to do. Another month long tech ban? Is there any point? He's quite a sneaky child in general so I don't hold out hopes that he'll finally start to follow the rules.

He does poorly at school due to slight learning difficulties so I don't think I can just say 'crack on' and just leave him to using the laptop whenever he wants to. He needs to be getting a decent night's sleep.

OP posts:
GetOffTheRoof · 03/09/2022 12:50

Why aren't you taking it off him each night? You're putting a lot of expectation of self-regulation on someone who clearly isn't capable of it yet.

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 03/09/2022 12:52

Why has he got access to it after he leaves it downstairs for the night ?

Can he have longer access to it at weekends ?

But yes, carry through with any punishments.

Halfarsedjingler · 03/09/2022 12:52

Can you put parental controls on it so it shuts down automatically at a set time

Sirzy · 03/09/2022 12:53

So you saw him on it and did nothing?

you need to physically take it off him at curfew time and not give it back until the next day.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/09/2022 12:58

GetOffTheRoof · 03/09/2022 12:50

Why aren't you taking it off him each night? You're putting a lot of expectation of self-regulation on someone who clearly isn't capable of it yet.

This. It's not hard just take it off him.

TeenDivided · 03/09/2022 13:02

You should be able to use parental controls to put login access times on, so it automatically kicks him out at a certain time.

MrsWooster · 03/09/2022 13:13

You’re setting him up to fail.
You need to police this, not simply expect him to go along with your rule then punish him when he fails.

ditalini · 03/09/2022 13:16

You get him to hand it to you at bedtime every night. If you're forgetting to do this then you need to do something so you remember.

If he knows he can get away with it then he will try because he's a teenager with poor impulse control. Be the adult.

Original poster
AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

OP posts:
GetOffTheRoof · 03/09/2022 14:05

Clearly not OP, given the situation you're in.

You're the parent. Take the responsibility back and parent this issue....

SkygardenTower · 03/09/2022 14:08

Easiest way is to turn the WiFi off. (Get a timer plug for it)

Gaming is increasingly addictive and he isn't getting it right.

Does he need the laptop for school work?

titchy · 03/09/2022 14:27

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

Doesn't matter if they 'should' be able to do by that age. Yours can't, for whatever reason. So you either continue as you are, which obvs isn't working, or you change something.

Yes, it really is that easy.

ditalini · 03/09/2022 14:28

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

Well your son can't (neither can mine).

If you want no laptop overnight (sensible) then the solution is making sure it's not in his posession.

wibblywobblybits · 03/09/2022 14:38

Yes they absolutely should be able to follow the one single rule, but clearly he can't. It's a simple case of "if you want something done properly, do it yourself". He's not going to give up the laptop willingly, so take it off him every night when you go to bed and keep it in your bedroom.

Also you should still follow through with the punishment.

Lavendersummer · 03/09/2022 14:40

Maybe the 'should' but the reality they are not following the rules so you can ignore that they are not following the rules or take action to ensure they follow the rules - that’s life, no?

strawberry2017 · 03/09/2022 14:43

Yes at 14 he should no better, however you are clearly not following through on your own rules so how will he ever learn.
Shutting the door in disbelieve isn't going to make him adjust the behaviour. Taking the laptop off him and sticking to it is.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/09/2022 14:48

Teenagers all know the rules at school to but they still decided to ignore them and do as they please. At my school not all teachers were onboard with the 'No phone use in school' policy. Sanctions were not being applied consistently (like you ignoring his laptop use yesterday). When having their phone out in class just got it confiscated for the lesson students carried on, when it got taken away for the whole day quite a few stopped using them but we still had lots of persistent offenders. When the rule got changed to a parent had to pick it up at the end of the day and they wouldnt get it back until a parent/carer picked it up - causing inconvenience to the parent and child phone use in the classroom dropped substantially and work rate improved

If he doesnt have many rules/boundaries or you dont stick to them then he is going to do what he wants. So if you have a rule and keeps breaking it you sanction him immediately and remind him often as we have to with rules at school. Set a timer for 9:30 or whatever time you want him off of it and you go around the house and take the tech of the children to be charged / kept in your room (dont put it downstairs if he just gets it back)

Neverendingdust · 03/09/2022 14:51

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

LOL erm not at 14. Take it off him, or risk him screwing up his schooling because of ‘laid back hands off’ parenting.

pastaandpesto · 03/09/2022 14:59

I'd implement patentsl controls, OP. It's what we do. DCs would be awake all night if we didn't.

Gaming can be addictive and if you have chikdren/teens who really enjoy it then I just don't think it is realistic to expect them to have the self control around not gaming at night. Plenty of adults struggle with it.

Eldest DC is 14 and at some point between now and and him turning 18 we will have to loosen the reins. But he's definitely not mature enough yet.

Turning of the WiFi wouldn't work for us - he has data with his phone contract and he would just set up a hot spot. Well he would if his phone wasn't also locked at night!

PMAmostofthetime · 03/09/2022 15:00

@AmyandPhilipfan can you change the WIFI password at a certain time of night or log in and turn the wifi off? You can do this on you wifi settings.

TeenDivided · 03/09/2022 15:16

What they 'should' be able to do is neither here nor there.
To keep a happy household, either put on login parental controls, or take it off him every evening.

Preeeettyprettygood · 03/09/2022 15:48

As if you would just continue doing this when the obvious and easiest option is to take it/them off him 🤔

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/09/2022 15:53

You often read about children self regulating.. My Ds can't. His electronics are in my room at night..

Comedycook · 03/09/2022 15:55

I also have a 14 year old ds. All his devices are locked at a certain time in the evening and come on again in the morning. Doesn't matter if they are in his room as he can't use them anyway. I suggest you do the same.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 03/09/2022 16:00

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

Well clearly he cannot!

So deal with how he IS, not how you think he should be.

if he had learning difficulties, you're even more unreasonable to expect him to have the impulse control he's demonstrated he doesn't have!!

parent YOUR child, not some mythical child who should behave in a certain way.

set an alarm on your phone at x time & tell him to do the same, and he hands it over to you, end of.

though will he not just go on his phone or whatever?