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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son continues to have laptop in bed overnight

52 replies

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 12:49

We don't have a lot of screen time rules in our house. My two teenagers can use their phones/laptops/tablets all day if they want. We have parental settings on and they generally just play Roblox.

But we do have the rule that at night they bring all devices downstairs before they go to bed.

My 14 year old keeps breaking this rule. Mainly with his laptop. If we found him with it late at night (I usually hear him playing on it when I go up to bed) he would lose access to it the following day. That didn't have much effect so then he'd lose all tech the following day. It kept happening so then he'd lose it for a week. In late April he lost it for a month as I was so fed up that it kept happening.

He got it back in late May then in early June I found him on it in the early hours. On a school night. The biggest issue is that he'll be on it all night then is a nightmare to get up for school and ends up with a detention for being late. So that time I'd had enough and told him he was losing all electronics for a month. He had a bit of a tantrum, it wasn't fair etc but I stuck to my guns and he got through the month.

I thought we'd got through to him but last night I found him at 12.30am on his laptop. I know it's the weekend but it soon wont be and he's back to school next week for Year 10.

I didn't even say anything last night. I just opened the door, stared at him in disbelief and shut it again. I'm out at the moment and he was still in bed so I haven't spoken to him yet but I don't know what to do. Another month long tech ban? Is there any point? He's quite a sneaky child in general so I don't hold out hopes that he'll finally start to follow the rules.

He does poorly at school due to slight learning difficulties so I don't think I can just say 'crack on' and just leave him to using the laptop whenever he wants to. He needs to be getting a decent night's sleep.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 16:02

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

Well no, screens are highly addictive, many adults, never mind teens, struggle.

Rather than punish add some privileges if he puts it wherever it goes at nighttime without prompting. But absolutely check it’s there and if it isn’t, remove. You may also want to consider SOME limit during the day, endless screens isn’t good for anyone’s brain function.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2022 16:08

Could he have it on Fri or Sat night? Them you take it off him on the nights before school. Tbh, my ds regulated himself at that age, but then he always did get up for school

JaninaDuszejko · 03/09/2022 16:09

My teenager DDs have to put their phones downstairs at night (which they do willingly) and I then regularly hide them on weekend mornings so they have some phone free time. They get them when they ask for them and they know it's to try and teach some self control so they are OK with enforced phone free time. My eldest is 14 and says her friends group chat is lively from 7am to 2pm (!). They can't really control themselves at that age.

It would be much better to enforce reasonable behaviour by taking the computer off him every evening at, say, 10pm and then not giving it back until whatever time you decide the next day rather than the current feast or famine, you're currently making the problem worse. My youngest is only 10 and we do this with him, I can't see us stopping any time soon because he can't control his computer time so we have to do it for him.

Surtsey · 03/09/2022 16:13

More of a concern to me would be him having the laptop in bed with him, falling asleep and the thing overheating and catching fire.

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/09/2022 16:24

As PPs have said, you need to remove the devices (and keep them in your bedroom) or put parental locks on. He clearly can't control himself, no matter what punishments you put in place.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2022 16:32

Weekdays DS14 hands over phone & laptop at 9.30. Weekends it's 10.30.

Most of the time he'll do it unprompted. If he's late handing them over he has to hand them over earlier the next night - I've only had to do that 2x.

Find a rule that works for you and stick to it. No excuses - either for your son or yourself.

BeanieTeen · 03/09/2022 16:39

So take it off him?? Is that not obvious?
I don’t understand this kind of gormless parenting.

Original poster

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 16:45

I did take it off him. For a month at a time. Along with all other tech. But he needs it for homework so it's not a case of being able to remove it permanently. Sorry if you think I'm thick. I can decide myself what to do but thought I'd ask what other parents advise. Which I thought was the point of this site?

OP posts:

e323 · 03/09/2022 16:46

Can you take it off him in the evening and put it somewhere he can't have access to it?

Preeeettyprettygood · 03/09/2022 16:48

And you're not agreeing with the advice. You're making it harder for yourself. He has it for homework, you take it off him at the time you've given. It's simple and I'd also be keeping the electronics in my room. Just seems like excuses to me

GetOffTheRoof · 03/09/2022 16:51

So a new rule - the laptop is to be handed to you before he goes to bed. End of argument.

You then place the laptop somewhere in your room with you where he can't sneak in and get to it - under your bed or similar.

This continues until he can demonstrate better self control or at least until his GCSEs are over. Maybe loosen it during the school holidays, bar the weekend before they go back so he's had enough sleep then.

Set out the rules now, and stick to them. Removing it for months is pointless if he needs it for school.

sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 16:54

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 13:56

I take on board what you're saying but surely at the age of 14, when they don't have many rules to live by, they should be able to follow 'the' rule without having to be reminded every single time?

Yes, at 14 they should be able to follow the rules. Yours is not though so it's down to you to parent him, otherwise this will only escalate and you will soon find yourself with a teenager who has no respect for boundaries on your hands.

chilliesandspices · 03/09/2022 16:56

My DH is 35 and still uses devices until the early hours of the morning. Some people are just crap at it.

Set a time you want all devices back and then put them in your bedroom until the morning.

pimlicoanna · 03/09/2022 17:07

I'd switch off the WiFi

Comedycook · 03/09/2022 17:15

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 16:45

He's not doing homework all night is he? Set up parental controls. You can do it so the device switches off at night...you choose the time and it turns back on when you want it to. My ds games console, phone and laptop cannot be used from 10pm-7am. He was annoyed at first but soon got used to it.

carefullycourageous · 03/09/2022 17:17

FFS, just take the laptop away at the designated time. End of problem.

RoutineLow · 03/09/2022 17:19

Screens are very addictive. You essentially feed his addiction by allowing completely unrestricted access to technology all day and then expect him to just switch that compulsion off at your arbitrary cut-off point each day. He’s also 14, possibly not a very mature 14, and lacks impulse control. You need to step in and do some effective boundary setting. That means restricting access to sensible periods during the day and physically removing the technology outside of those times.

Dramachameleon · 03/09/2022 17:24

Take it off him every evening. I have to fight DD every evening as she can’t self regulate. It’s not easy but unfortunately it’s part of being a parent

IncompleteSenten · 03/09/2022 17:28

You can't work with what they should do.

You have to work with what they actually do.

He does not turn his laptop off at night and is using it.

Which means you need to collect it in the evening, every evening.

Original poster

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/09/2022 17:35

Fair enough, I'll continue to ask him specifically for it each night. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Apl · 03/09/2022 18:10

GetOffTheRoof · 03/09/2022 12:50

Why aren't you taking it off him each night? You're putting a lot of expectation of self-regulation on someone who clearly isn't capable of it yet.

This.

He’s clearly addicted and unable to behave rationally. Your punishments have failed to help.

Gaming literally reshapes the brain in a certain way, I’d have a big think about whether you’re happy with the son your ‘as much screentime as you want’ rules are creating.

I suggest you take the laptop (and any other screens like phone) off him every night and lock it away somewhere he can’t get to it, then let him have it back for maximum one hour per day.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 03/09/2022 19:37

I think that's the right thing to do OP. I have two 13 year olds and they are NOT good at self-regulation, so I keep the restrictions on their devices. We don't have many rules, but like you definitely no overnight!

For the most part they're ok to hand things over.

pastaandpesto · 03/09/2022 19:39

Good plan OP. I totally get what you mean about wanting him to self-regulate, but if he's anything like my 14 year old he just isn't ready yet.

eighteenmonthstogo · 03/09/2022 20:23

I wouldn't beat yourself up OP .. I had 3 kids .. never had any rules about phones and laptops... 2 have degrees (one 1st in psychology the other a 2:1 in business from Russell group unis.. )

The other is a chef never went to Uni.. got two GCSE's and earns more than the others put together...

PlainOldMe80 · 03/09/2022 21:09

Homework should be done before bed so there's no need for him to have the laptop when it's bedtime. During schoolweek take laptop off him whatever time bedtime is, Friday and Saturday night he can keep the laptop during the night

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