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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Mum taken daughter

32 replies

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 13:53

I am a dad to a 14 year old daughter. Ive shared care with her mum for the last ten years but to be honest ive done most of the running around etc for her.

Last christmas my daughter falls out with her mum and she comes to stay with me full time. Its been hard and tiring with working too etc. Her mum has not been very nice to my daughter, didnt send a birthday card or present and done a few things which resulted in her having some breakdowns which Ive supported her through. We have just been on holiday, which was mostly nice.

Her mum has refused to support my daughter financially during this period, meaning I had to put a claim into the CMS.

Out of the blue last weekend her mum wants to take her away for the weekend. I said fine that would be nice but thought it was a bit odd. They go shopping and to the theatre.

Monday comes and my daughter spends a lot of time on her phone to her mum.

On Wednesday I drop my daughter to the bus stop and say goodbye. In the afternoon I get a text from her to say she has gone to live with her mum for a bit. Im pretty much in bits when i read this and try to call her and text her but no answer and her phone location has been switched off.

I just cant believe her mum has planned this behind my back and taken her without some sort of discussion and setting a very bad example, it seems very wrong to me. I know my daughter needs to see her mum but im left stressed out not knowing when im going to see my daughter again.

I tell the school whats happened and phone social work but not much help.
I am really worried for my daughter and what this will do to her and her welfare. She was supposed to attend a class Wednesday evening which she excels in but her Mum never took her. My daughter only told me a few weeks ago that she does not have a mum. Her mum barely cooks for her and last year let my daughter go to her boyfriends at the time when she had covid. ive always worried when she is with her. Pretty chaotic.

Ive provided my daughter with routine and stability over the years. I am worried she is going to be neglected after the novelty / honeymoon period wears off.

I just cant believe someone would plot to do this without having a discussion about this first. It just seems reckless and honestly i feel my daughter has been coerced because of the CMS situation.

My daughter also has a pet at home so she has abandoned her responsibility for this. So i feel it is utterly reckless on her mum's part and given no consideration to anything except herself.

Ive been an emotional wreck for the last few days, and just want my daughter home so we can talk this through, and i miss her so much. I did get some texts from her yesterday which was good to say she was ok.

Any help or advice much appreciated.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 27/08/2022 13:55

I don't have any practical advice but this sounds so awful and upsetting OP, I'm really sorry it's happening

AlwaysCocaColaz · 27/08/2022 13:57

This is awful :(

I'm so sorry.

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 13:58

Give your DD time, reassure her that you love her, you will look after her pet and you understand she wants to live with her Mum.

Invite her out for dinner/coffee after school and ask her what visiting arrangement she would like - EOW or as and when she wants to play it be ear?

You need to keep the door open so that she can come back when her Mum lets her down.

User354354 · 27/08/2022 13:58

If you took this to court, your daughter could pretty much choose where she wanted to live.

It seems you deemed her old enough a year ago to make the decision on where to live when she wanted to live with you. So really you need to respect her decision.

I would suggest arranging her to come over for dinner/ take her out etc and show her that you will always be there for her no matter the decision.

The pet bit is irrelevant. Don't try and guilt trip her to come home with that.

User354354 · 27/08/2022 13:59

Sorry I got cut off .....

As you say, once the novelty wears off, I'm sure she will be home. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:07

She came to live with me full time at the start of the year because her mum didnt want her at her house when we shared care. Im ok with where she wants to live, she has just been through a hell of a lot with her mum this year, i dont want her going through that again.

I dont think its okay for her mum to have given her a little bit of attention, and gone underhand to take her from where she has lived without having the courtesy of discussing it. What sort of example is that setting?

Re pet her mum is basically saying to my daughter its okay to abandon your responsibilities just like that.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/08/2022 14:10

Your DD is a teen that has been rejected by her Mum she is VERY vulnerable. You need to be her reliable steadfast parent ready to catch her when it falls apart. Right and fair don't come into it.

picklemewalnuts · 27/08/2022 14:11

Don't take her to task about the pet- that'll just play into mum's hands.

If Mum is chaotic and selfish, YABU to expect her to have changed. Keep communication open with your DD, don't blame her. Make it easy for her to come back when her mum lets her down again.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:16

Yes I know she is vulnerable which is why im worried and to be honest her mum has pulled so many tricks over the years and has never really cared about her. I cant imagine the stress my daughter felt when she left on Wednesday. Her mum is very manipulative. No reasonable person would do this.

Im concerned for her welfare, eating, sleeping etc. She has a stable routine with me and is doing well with her studies, extra curricular activities etc.

OP posts:

User354354 · 27/08/2022 14:21

Have you spoken to your daughter since she has left? How is she?

I think we can all agree mum sounds very manipulative from what you have said. Which is even more reason to tread very carefully.

I would suggest arranging set days of the week (with DD directly) for her to come for dinner, so you know she is getting decent meals.

When school restarts, send her money directly for lunches.

Do not bad mouth Mum to her, DD must be very fragile at the moment

Offer to continue to take her to clubs/visit friends etc.

Fundamentally show her that you will still be there for all those things, regardless of where she lives.

CatRatSplat · 27/08/2022 14:22

Can you ask for a welfare check?

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:25

She came in quickly yesterday to get some stuff after I told her mum she has club tonight, thankfully she took her. She said she was okay. Its just very concerning as she opened up and was telling me lots of things she didnt like when she was living at mums.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:25

I spoke to social work, they didnt seem concerned but i will phone them back on Monday.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:34

Despite her mum having no contact with my daughter for nearly ten months i got an email from her on wednesday to say dont contact her till weekend after next, she is having some space and dont attempt to collect her from the school gates. Do you think i should contact the Police about this?

OP posts:

User354354 · 27/08/2022 14:41

Do you think i should contact the Police about this?

You could ask to a welfare check of you have genuine concerns.

But you risk pushing your daughter away.

In reality, a teenager has gone to visit her mum, it's only been a few days and you have had contact with DD in that time.

I don't think you need to contact the police.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 14:41

okay thanks, thats re-assuring

OP posts:

SuperCamp · 27/08/2022 14:53

Very upsetting.

But I would say try not to take it personally, as a rejection of you, her Dad.

She knows you are always there for her and love her unconditionally. But she probably feels very rejected by her mother and is desperately drinking in the current attention from her Mum.

As others have said, stay in touch, stay loving and supportive.

I wouldn’t call the police. Unless you have evidence that she is in actual or imminent danger.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 15:01

Im just heart broken really and very worried, all I have done all my life is love and support her. I just cant imagine how she must have been feeling knowing what was going to happen that day. Im also very angry and upset by what her mum has done here.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 27/08/2022 15:45

There are two possibilities here. One is that her mum has finally sorted herself out, builds a new secure relationship with your mutual daughter who can start to heal having been let down and rejected in the past. The other is that she will let your daughter down again, and you need to be there to pick up the pieces. This is a far more likely scenario.

I know you feel like you are watching a slow motion car crash right now, but you have to reassure your DD that you love her, and you will be there for her (with her pet!) if - or more likely when she needs you.

And unfortunately she will probably be let down by her mum again and come home to your routine and stability, especially once the "Disney mum" routine wears off and she remembers all the things she doesn't like about being at her mum's. Right now she's probably trying to close her eyes to all the things she knows are wrong about the situation, because she's so desperately trying not to have her mum ignore her for another 10 months. Sadly she just has to learn these things for herself about her mum, you can't protect her from it.

picklemewalnuts · 27/08/2022 15:48

Try and make sure your very understandable desire to be seen as being right and a 'better' option, doesn't get in the way of being completely on your DD's side.

You can be as anti DD's mum as you like, but mustn't show that to DD or she'll feel like you are making her choose.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 19:09

Thanks everyone - your messages are very much appreciated. The thing is I dont want my daughter to go through it again, and never do I. I dont want to be at home making tea and looking forward to seeing my daughter, to find out she is not coming back. It should be discussed and planned.

Ive been through the emotional ringer too many times now. Im nearly 50 and this latest episode is making me feel depressed again, I never got any sleep Wednesday night. I dont want someone else's behaviour to affect me this way anymore, I was fine and happy till this happened.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 27/08/2022 21:31

Unfortunately you are a hostage to your love for your DD, and wouldn't have it any other way. It's hard, I know. I always say, when things are really hard, that we suffer to save them suffering. So you keep all the upset contained and protect her from it, no matter how much it hurts.

Nat6999 · 27/08/2022 21:41

My ds did that at 14, left home by stealth, went to his dad's for a weekend during the holidays & asked to stay for a couple more days then never came home for a year until I got a tearful phone call asking me to pick him up as his dad had thrown him out. The only advice is to keep communicating as much as you can & reassure her there will always be a home with you if she wants it.

Original poster

GeorgeA12 · 27/08/2022 23:09

Im sorry to hear you went through this too Nat6999. When my daughter was thrown out the first time, i told her she would always have a home with me no matter what.

OP posts:

mumofblu · 28/08/2022 09:40

It sounds like you have been a great parent , providing love to a child who has been badly let down by her other parent . Your story is more unusual because you are dad , which may seem irrelevant but think of it this way . Your DD is now turning into a young woman who hasn't had a female parent to align with , periods, mood swings , what was it like for you mum conversations .

Her need to mend a relationship with her mum will be particularly strong at this age . She won't be thinking about your feelings ( teenagers rarely do ) she will be thinking only of herself and clinging onto any shred of hope she can to rebuild with her mum .

Your fear is she will be let down again , you've been there before and you don't want to see your dd go through it again . But if you force her back in any way now , through services or police etc without any real evidence that she's in harm ( not maybe harmed ) . You will always be seen as someone who didn't allow her to see her mum . My Dd dated a boy at this age in this situation and his want for his mum was heartbreaking, he would have left his ( good) father in a shot to move in with us and we had to be very careful not to encourage that because I would have but I knew it wasn't right , anyway that's another story .

You've done this before , be calm and welcome any contact, don't talk about how she's made you feel . Make an appointment with your gp for support for yourself . Tell trusted friends if you can , mostly continue to love her .

And if possible try to get her mum on side by saying you accept your dd wants to be with her and you won't interfere with that but could you come to some arrangement about contact either phone or in person where your dd doesn't feel she is betraying either parent .

I feel for you x

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