Teenager has smoked weed

[FlorencePennnywell]

He's 15, 16 in august. He's relatively sensible, not off the rails or anything and our relationship is very good on the whole. He's what I'd describe as a typical lazy teen tbh.

He's been going out a little more recently with school friends - he's known them since he was 7. Doing the usual stuff - hanging around the playing field etc And usually back by about 9.30 ish

He was out last night until 9. We went for lunch today and he said it was a bit mad last night with loads of people there, some older kids etc.

I half jokingly said ' you didn't take any drugs did you?' and he said ' yeah actually, I had 3 puffs of someone's spliff'

We chatted more about it and I said on the one hand I was pleased that he had told me and happy he felt he could be honest with me but on the other hand I was disappointed and worried

He's said it didn't do much for him, he 'doesn't think' he will do it again and that he doesn't think it's a huge deal. Which he would say of course!

So I'm torn on how to deal with it. I've expressed my disappointment. I've mentioned how this does not go hand in hand with his fitness goals. I've said the usual without going on and on. I have not condoned it and he knows I am anti drugs

And I've tempered this with 'well done for being upfront with me'

I know this stuff is normal for a lot of teens and I know it happens but it doesn't stop me worrying. I know he hasn't done it before but who knows if he will do it again? I can't govern this. I like to think he wouldn't but Christ knows

How would you deal with it? I wanted to come down on him hard but that will just push him away and my chances of knowing anything going forward would be zero

Sorry he's 16 in December!!!

Mine had a go on a spliff a few times around that ages. Didn’t think much of it, didn’t bother with it subsequently.

It’s a very common age to experiment with a bit of dope. If that’s all he’s doing I’d let it go and prioritise the openness that means he can tell you those things.

I think you've handled it pretty well, tbh. Most teenagers will try it at some point - and he will probably do it again - but you've taken the right approach in opposing it on rational grounds - it not chiming with his fitness goals, for example - rather than just coming down like a ton of bricks and reacting purely out of your own fear (which I share - having teenagers is like having your organs walking around on their own making daft choices)

The big plus is that you've got the sort of relationship where he can tell you things like this - preserve that at all costs, you're going to need it. I would privilege that openness of communication over parental authority, personally; punishments and laying down the law simply don't work at this age, and neither should they. He's entering a transition period, where he'll be making his own choices while still having quite an immature understanding of the consequences, so calmly guiding him with information and advice is the right way forwards. We've had lots of in-depth conversations about drugs and other risky behaviours in this house - mine were both horrified to learn what ketamine can do to your bladder, for example. That conversation, I think, did more to deter them from taking it than any amount of taking away phones and berating them would have done.

It's a tightrope act with teenagers. You have to be approachable, someone they can trust and confide in, while not being a complete pushover who doesn't show concern when they make the wrong choices. I wouldn't use words like "disappointed" though, as teens can take that as emotional blackmail and clam up. I would keep going with factual, non-judgemental guidance, and praise for being honest.

He told you about it freely, he doesn’t do it regularly and I think most people have had a puff in their teens, thought it was vile and haven’t touched it since, I know I did. I think I’d probably let it go this time but make it clear you don’t condone it and won’t be impressed if he makes a habit of it.

It sounds like you have a great relationship that he was able to be honest about this and it sounds like normal teenage behaviour they're just usually more secretive about it!

Thanks all, I appreciate the advice.

Yes, he's very open with me about a lot of stuff I suppose. Of course I'm not naive enough to believe he tells me everything but he's happy to ask my advice on things and I work hard on a measured response because if I say what I'd actually like to, that won't get us anywhere!

It's just getting the balance right. I don't want to over react and I don't want to under react

@Greensleeves thanks for your response, I agree with it.

When I said I was disappointed to him, I was clear that this wasn't disappointed in him personally.. more disappointed it had happened. I think this makes more sense in my head 😀 I also said I was really proud of him for being honest with me (he likes me telling him I'm proud of him, although tbh I felt like throttling him)

He's right, it's not a big deal. The good news is he wasn't impressed so probably generally won't bother.

GATEWAY DRUG @girlmom21 !! This is what goes round my brain! Not that I've voiced that to him.

I get it though. I've been there. Just rather not have to navigate it now but that's how it goes

It's a gateway drug to be concerned about if he starts actively using it though. A few drags won't cause any damage.

Try and be gentle with him - you don't want him to be scared to be honest with you

I smoked plenty of weed at his age (and the rest) and I'm a sensible grown up now with a decent job, so I wouldn't worry. How great that he felt able to tell you about it. I would just leave it at that as he sounds like a good kid

He's been honest and it's not a big deal. Completely normal. He might do it again and he might not and probably it won't make any difference to how he behaves and grows into adulthood.

I'm sorry but gateway drug is just over the top! Growing up and bring a teenager is a gateway to all sorts of testing and learning. From drugs, to alcohol, to sex, partying, clubbing and gaming - all sorts of experimentation. I think it's best not to overreact. There's way more challenges - bigger than a few puffs of a spliff - down the track which will require trust and honesty. And understanding.

@Bouledeneige oh I was joking about the gateway drug comment! And yes, this isn't my first rodeo with a teen - my eldest is 24! However she became a police officer so we didn't have this particular issue really

I think that you handled it well. There’s maybe no harm in mentioning again at some point in the future that you hope he’ll leave it at the one try and that you’d be disappointed if he did try it again.

DH tried it once at that age, and absolutely hated it. He tried again a decade later, hated it even more, and has not been tempted to try again, so it’s definitely possible,to have a try and not go further.

You OK hun?

And would you say that it’s had any effect on your cognitive ability, including your written English?

Eh. Have you been smoking weed

@FlorencePennnywell

Your an amazing mum he's told you so you have that trust
I'm Sure it'll be a one off or odd time he wasn't trying to hide it from you was he? That would be a different matter entirely

More of an issue If kids hide stuff

@ImWell Not that I bear the deleted posts! I can imagine though

No right thinking parent wants their kids dabbling in anything and I'm no exception. However I know it's very very normal and I did exactly the same - and more - on and off in my late teens and early 20s

I'll walk the line of balance as best I can. I disapprove and don't want him doing it so this has to be communicated to him BUT I will do this in such a way that he knows he can talk to me and I won't go up the wall, effectively shutting down all future conversations

Thanks for all your help

He trusted you to tell you. That's very good. Don't overreact. Teenagers try things out. Stay cool.