Son talking to me like dirt

[Felic23]

Hi everyone, please tell me how to handle this behaviour as I'm a single parent and really struggling.

My 13 year old Son is on and off speaking to me like shit. Simply asking him to do things or even trying to help him and I get ' why do you care', ' your so annoying' which I can handle but it's gone on to 'shut up'for barely any reason.

The worst is mocking me which is new, so I said today you're upsetting, leave me alone and he responds ' aww your upset'

I am massively hormonal right now as have really bad pms and he knows that and blames me for his behaviour saying I've been really annoying and I don't realise what I'm being like.

I have taken his pc out of his room after behaviour today, its hard as he's so stubborn and says he's not rude ect I dont know how to get past the behaviour and how to make him understand he can't talk to me like this.

Not much advice but huge sympathy on the PMS combined with a rude teen.

Hopefully someone will be along soon with some advice

Each and every time he talks to you badly you pull him up on it. My DS tried to go down that route and I tore strips off him each and every time. If a surly tone starts entering his voice he gets a very sharp "mind your tone, mister, I will NOT be spoken to like that". If I got backchat he lost devices instantly. If it was dinner he left the table and went to bed hungry. (Time away and a sincere apology would usually get his cold by then dinner back though, devices took a little longer). I had even cancelled trips out/take away treats etc.

He needs to know that it is NOT funny and that he doesn't get to mock you. Playground humour stays in the playground and does NOT get brought into the house so his excuse of "that's how all my fiends and I talk to each other" was met with a "if you want to lose your friends by treating them badly that's up to you but you do NOT talk to me like that. And if I find out you're talking to teachers like that there will be hell to pay. "

I don't mess around and so far it's working, my DSs are 15 and 13 and a pointed look is usually enough to nip it in the bud.

I agree with @ClaryFairchild You need to nip this in the bud. Clearly, him knowing he’d upset you just made him nastier, so you have to be mentally stronger. Nearly all of his little pleasures in life are provided by you. So any incidents of this disrespect should cost him - phone, tablet, change the wifi password, TV out of his room, no pocket money (if he doesn’t get a set amount of pocket, give it too him, so that you can reduce it, stop it etc. Don’t just given money randomly). You need to get on top of this. In a couple of years, he will be bigger and taller than you. If he doesn’t respect you then, you could have an even bigger problem.

I removed his pc and have just come to bed to find he had removed my wire that connects my TV so I can't watch TV. I can't believe it. I have told him he's not to talk to me in that way but he doesn't seem to care. I will continue to remove treats and gaming ect but has not been effective so far.

The little sod! Change the wifi password. That really gets their attention. You can watch TV on your tablet.

My advice would be to not get into this spiral of heaping punishment upon punishment. It won't work and all you'll end up with is a teenager with literally nothing left to lose as you've taken everything

This all sounds normal and fairly mild. The first thing to do is stop showing him you're bothered. He mimics you? Eye roll and say 'don't be so silly' and just leave or move on. He argues with you? Just tell him that parenting is your job and he can make as many silly comments as he likes but unfortunately he still has to be parented

You need to keep short accounts with teenagers. Pull him up on rudeness each and every time but don't show 'weakness' .. calm, consistent works better on the long run as opposed to taking his stuff.

Wow, I would so escalate that. All of his treat food goes in the car boot (keep your keys ON you!). And ALL his devices get taken away for an amount of time. If he fights back it gets extended.

As @AnnieSnap has said, you provide him with all of his comforts. Time to stop making things so comfortable.

Stop washing his clothes except for his school uniform and plainest of clothes. Dinner can bloody well be toast if he keeps this up.

He is trying to win and is escalating to get to that point. You can't let him because if he does win this time he will continue to fight back because he knows you have limits.

I certainly wouldn't stop taking things away, BUT I would make it clear how he could get some things back quickly, ie a sincere apology and righting whatever he's done eg the wire.

It might not really be sincere, as long as he fakes it well that is enough. You'll have to go with fake it until he makes it....

But, you do need to walk away, calm down and work out what the punishment is, don't do it in the heat if the moment.

Just go tell him to give the cable back

Based on the OP first post, I don’t see that working on its own.

He has gone to his Dad's tonight thank god. Not that his Dad helps discipline at all but least I get to cool down.

I think the key is I need to not get so emotional about it and take it personally. With my raging pms it's hard and I do question weather I'm being hard to live with.

I'm definitely going to try the not showing I'm bothered approach @HardRockOwl as I think I'm definitely fueling him by becoming so pissed off.

I am just so shocked and can't believe the disrespect! I'm just hoping it's normal teenage behaviour and he will grow out of it.

I really wouldn't take the advice of clary above - really stupid unless of course you want war on your hands.

He's a teenager. They're like giant toddlers sometimes. It really IS enough to ignore a lot of their behaviour, pull them up every time for rudeness and not try and 'win' by stopping washing their clothes and providing toast for dinner ..

You pick your battles. It isn't about winning. Don't show any chinks in your armour and be assertive, kind and fair

It'll get you further.

I remember when I was doing my PGCE seeing a video of a teacher doling out detentions left right and centre. He had nothing left and the class were laughing at him and mocking him.
Punitive punishments don't work. He will lie and not talk to you in order to avoid punishment for attitude. If you can keep talking so much the better. Year 8 and Year 9 students are traditionally difficult at school. They do grow out of it and become lovely.
Teenagers are also deeply embarrassed by emotion and talk of someone being 'upset'. Try to be matter of fact and change the subject . Forgive a lot. You are the adult etc. Don't get to the point of mutual dislike. it will linger in his memory (and yours) for a long time.

The fact that you menstruate also should not be a 'tool' for either you or him in justifying this behaviour.

If he's learning that he can speak abusively to you and blame it on your hormones "it's your fault because you don't know how annoying you're being", this is laying the groundwork for really terrible behaviour with partners down the line.

The fact that you say this: "I think the key is I need to not get so emotional about it and take it personally. With my raging pms it's hard and I do question weather I'm being hard to live with." is a further big red flag for me – it's the start of gaslighting and "his shitty behaviour is my fault" narratives.

If you're choosing to be open and talk about the fact that you're struggling with PMS with him, this should be a sign for him to be more gentle with you, not the other way around.

Cut any mention of your biology from future discussions with him – that kind of language and behaviour is unacceptable, end of story.

I totally agree with this. You need to be much more reactive when he is rude to you.

Two aspects here: how you respond to this behaviour and how his father does.

Does ex know how he talks to you? If so, what would he do? Would he tell DS that this is not acceptable, or would he laugh?

It is very hard for children to be getting two sets of values where discipline is involved, so I think you need to try and talk with your ex so that you both proceed in the same way. I doubt DS does this with his father.

I agree that you should not be visibly upset by his behaviour - you need to be the calm adult who simply says "that is not acceptable."

Tell him he needs to wise up and learn some basic respect, because locking horns with his own mother is not a battle hes going to win. Hes just going to end up with a miserable home and no privileges.
Tell him that mocking you feeling upset is weird, mean and an attempt at bullying. Does he expect that you wont ever get upset? Youre only human and if laughing at others distress and upset is his goal, then what the hell is he turning into.

A book that's often recommended on here is Get out if my life - but first can you take me and Alex into town (or something like that!)

What happens if you respond with humour? That often takes the pressure off.

You have to pick your battles with teens. Otherwise you end up not communicating at all with them.

Weve had 4 teens, and have never really been super tough on them. It doesn’t work. My dd always used to say ‘you’re so annoying’. I just used to laugh at her and say ‘yeah it’s a hard life’ or something. It breaks the intensity of it all.

His PC would have been up for sale on eBay by now in our house. I agree with the advice of PP's to not give him an emotional reaction but there definitely needs to be consequences for that level of disrespect.

My ex is not supportive with discipline as my son is never like that with him. He is not assertive and doesn't say ' don't speak to your Mum like that' or anything to that effect. I've asked him to, he says he will but doesn't.

I had a similar issue with my 15 year old recently. I found myself being dragged into arguing with him and if he saw I was upset, he seemed to get worse. I tried the punishments etc. but nothing worked & often made it worse!

During a calm period, I said to him that this was my home and the place that I needed to feel safe both physically & mentally (DS could be nasty with some comments). I also accepted some of the responsibility for the arguments escalating. We have agreed to walk away and regroup when calm if things blow up. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't!

I agree with a PP who said to pick your battles. I close the door to his messy room & he accepts that if it isn't in the washing basket, it doesn't get washed.

Teenagers are a nightmare - on the one hand they are growing up but are also struggling with the world.

One thing I did say to him was that he had a choice and he could live with his Dad if life in my house was so bad. I also said that if we couldn't find a way forward, he wouldn't get that choice. This was said during a calm discussion not during/straight after an argument.

We also talked about DS growing up and that my role now as a parent was changing. I explained that I would still be there to support and guide him but I can't control his behaviour outside of the home (he started vaping - not sure whether it was to fit in or annoy me). I think moving the goal posts surprised him and it seems that he wants to show me the mature him.

I'd love to say that our house is now always calm but it is much better. Try not to react or punish in the heat of the moment. It is hard to walk away (especially if DS follows and carries on shouting) but I find counting in my head distracts me and stops me reacting.

How do you all take devices off your sons?
I sometimes ignore the rudeness because if I tried to respond, all that would happen would be that I HIGHLIGHT how little power I have to control him, to him.

i'M a single parent too and I think when he was about 13 he was the same height as me and once when he was being a brat I tried to push him out of the room when I was on the phone. He pushed back and the strength shocked me. And NOW?! He is a good 8 inches taller than me, as thin as a whippet but very very strong.

So the notion of me taking devices is not one I can visualise. My brother spent about an hour changing the wifi once, so that it'd go off at 23.30 and the moment my brother left he stuck stuck a pin in it to reset it.

I leave him to it. He is rude sometimes and I just say nothing or say 'charming aren't you'.

What I've noticed with my 14 Yr old dd. Is when they see it upsets you they get almost a sick satisfaction from it, does that make sense. I just remove her things and let her see I'm unbothered even though I'm upset and ignore her when necessary for hours sometimes when she talks to me like dirt.

Just switch of the Wi-Fi every time he's rude. 10 minutes the first time and increase the amount of time it's off. The consequences of his actions are then his responsibility. If he stops being rude no consequence, if he carries on, bigger consequence. The trick is to act as though you don't give a shit. Don't show and distress at all just flick the switch and set a timer.