Does your teen/has your teen ever told you that they hated you?

[Londono]

DD, 14, has told me she hates me, more than once, usually when I discipline her and remove her mobile phone. She also told me to 'go and throw myself off a cliff' during the same interaction.

After a few minutes when her anger leaves her, she cries and apologises and I have accepted and told her what an unacceptable thing it is to say. For background, her DF and I split up three years ago and he moved several hours away last year with his new girlfriend so I do feel there's something in this about seeing how much she can push me before I withdraw my love. Her DF used to shout at me a lot too so I wonder if she has learnt it there.

So I just wondered how common this was? It isn't nice, obviously, but I know she doesn't actually mean it.

My 9 yo tells me she hates me regularly, always when she’s been told no or told off about something. Then she is sorry and wants a cuddle.

I think it’s pretty common and if you’ve got to 14 without her saying this you’ve done well!

Neither of mine have (13 & 15) - yet, but I’m fairly certain I said it to my dm as a teen.

I think it’s fairly common, not that it makes it any nicer to hear 💐

I think knowing it is common will be reassuring. I do know she doesn't mean it, I think it is just the meanest thing she can think of to say!

Said to my mother when I was a teen. Think I did hate her in the exact moment I said it but hormones, anger etc. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I can remember doing this as a teen. Always in a fit of hormonal rage. It felt like the most hurtful thing to say and was always said for effect.

I did reply very calmly one time: 'Well that is a shame as I love you very much.'

Which appeared to take the wind out of her sails a bit

I used to say it to my mum. Tbh I think everyone does. It’s very normal

All of mine have said it at one time or another, and they didn't always apologise afterwards, either.
It's quite normal, upsetting as it is.

I did to my parents all the time. And I've been blessed with 13 year old just like me

Yep.

Even telling me to throw myself off a cliff?

It is very very common, you are probably the person she loves the most, and it's most definitely said without her actually meaning it, and I think this response you gave her is absolutely spot on.

Honestly I think this added dramatic effect actually helps prove it’s in a fit of pique/hormonal rage and not something she really means.

I always reply with ‘I still love you’ if they are waiting for a reply. 🤣

@minipie Yes. In some ways she’s quite clingy to me recently so obviously she doesn’t want me to go and find a cliff.

Yes but I totally ignore it . Not a big deal as it's rubbish

Yep my dc tell me that all the time when they don't get their own way

She needs love, security and stability and your reply was perfect. I think it will be a combination of her dad leaving and hormones. Just keep loving her!

Yip, they hate me and wish I would die.

Eldest was the one for declarations of hate in my direction periodically from preteen age onwards

My general response was "I love you too"

He's now in mid twenties and back home post Uni and the worst I get now is the "Yes, I am judging you" raised eyebrow, but we have a lovely relationship and he's a pleasure to have around (which doesn't stop me hoping he gets successful with his flat hunting)

Yes, I had two years of the most awful outbursts. Very similar circumstances to yours OP.

Two years later he left to live with his dad and has not been in touch since.

Heartbreaking, but his behaviour definitely mirrored what he’d seen from his father. That was a big part of my thought process when I separated. That I’d hate DS to think it was ok to behave like his dad towards his wife/girlfriend.

one of my autistic children did, several times per day. water off a duck's back. it's the strong feelings they have not yet learned to channel appropriately. Much worse as well. getting better now but they still have their moments.

God yes. During a meltdown it would be I hate you, you’re the worst mum ever in the history of mums, door slamming and then sounds of a bedroom being trashed. They don’t mean it. Hormones/emotions go all over the place for teens. Those years are as tough on them as on we parents.

None of my children ever said it but it was a word that was banned in our household!
They probably told their friends that they hated me instead 😂
All now lovely adults so please don’t worry 💐

Oh gosh yes .. .. not often but it's happened .. and then they feel bad when I just say I love them ...