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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I need help

49 replies

Greyclouds10 · 27/07/2022 13:02

Life at home is absolute hell, I just dont know what to do anymore. So we are a family of 5. Me and hubby, 17 year old who is transitioning F2M, 14 year old girl and 11 year old boy. Our 14 year old has been self harming for nearly 2 years now. It has got worse. Her arms and ankles are covered in scars. There are constant arguments and she is verbally abusive, particularly to me. However since may it has got worse. Beginning of may she was ill, or so we thought, it turned out she had taken an overdose. She didnt say anything until 3 days later when she disclosed at school. Then about 3 weeks ago she got drunk, not as in she was experimenting, she came out of school at 3.30 and at 5 we got a call from a stranger who had found her paralytic. Then about 2 weeks ago she started getting violent, after I refused to let her have a sandwich for tea she slapped me, that hard i was dazed. Next day she threw shoes at me. Then a few days later toy cars thrown at my head. Now this last weekend she has taken another overdose. She told her friend who told her to tell us, which she did. And then yesterday afternoon she pierced her own ears after I refused to give her a needle, she went and found one and did it.
We went to camhs originally, they wouldnt see us because she was only self harming, it would have to be worse to see them. So she was seen by smash, this was one to one weekly counselling. They discharged her after the first overdose because they had exhausted everything with her. She has been without anyone since then. We were referred back to camhs who did an assessment and decided she could do SHIFT counselling (self harm in family therapy) it would start on 16th aug. She was also referred to early help family support who said they wont see her because she is seeing camhs. We have taken her to the doctors who wont test hormones because she hasnt had 2 years of periods. They are testing for things like anemia, b12, thyroid etc. But we have to wait until 28th aug, they wont do blood test at docs. After this last overdose she has had 3 days of camhs crisis and they have now discharged her. Please help

OP posts:

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 13:03

In your shoes I would be asking ss for help.

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:08

You poor things. Self harming is complicated. Has something traumatic happened to her? I wonder if so. I would keep pushing for her to be seen and helped, keep telling her you love her.

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:09

Can just you and her spend some time together away from everyone, no pressure, just tell her you love her?

SeeSawDaw · 27/07/2022 13:09

Has your DD been able to tell you why? Is she able to explain what is making her react this way?

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:14

My daughter has self harmed, overdosed more than once and she has been so drunk she was hospitalised. The cause was a mixture of things: being a teenager, hating school but mainly a violent rape involving strangulation. She only told me about this about a year after the event and after all the above had happened.

What helped was a mixture of things: some antidepressants and anti psychotics (We went to a private GP and had a proper long appointment for these) mixed with some excellent private counselling and hypnotherapy - we tried several different counsellors until we found the right one. Plus lots of love and patience and some time passing. She is now nearly 20 and is happy and healthy and mentally pretty well.

I wish you luck, hang on in there.

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:16

Other things that helped: cooking her decent food but not pressuring her (she had an eating disorder as well), tidying her room, asking her did she want to come to the shops or for a walk or to watch some inane telly.

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 27/07/2022 14:08

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 13:03

In your shoes I would be asking ss for help.

Tried that, they decided they didnt need to get involved because it is a loving family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 27/07/2022 14:10

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:08

You poor things. Self harming is complicated. Has something traumatic happened to her? I wonder if so. I would keep pushing for her to be seen and helped, keep telling her you love her.

We arent aware of anything traumatic. After covid lovkdowns her friendships had changed and she struggled with friends but she doesnt see this as a bad thing that's happened

OP posts:

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 27/07/2022 14:13

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 13:14

I wish you luck, hang on in there.

Do you think seeing a private doctor helped? I have asked our gp and they wont prescribe antidepressants under 18 unless a psychiatrist prescribes, but how do you get seen by one of those? A few people have mentioned possible bipolar as she does tend to flip mood. But again doctors wont look into any personality disorder under 18.....

OP posts:

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 17:39

hello OP, yes, I do think a private doctor helped in our case. It took a while to find the right person to help her though.

At first she saw one counsellor (we paid for ourselves, she saw her weekly for 2 years) who was pretty crap I think. But dd said she wanted to keep going so we took her. Then she told me she was feeling really bad and wanting to kill herself so I contacted our private health insurance who said go straight to A&E, which was shit advice. We didn't, it was mid pandemic, called our GP who agreed that was not good advice but was arse covering on the doctor's part.

Then she was referred to a private psychiatrist via our private health insurer. He was old school and crap and saw her about 10 times and put her on Prozac.

After a few months, during which she tried to overdose, I tried a local private GP and said I really needed help and signposting to what to do next as nothing so far had worked. He saw her, said Prozac wasn't appropriate especially at her age but recommended another counsellor who is also a hynotherapist. She had a first session with her of 2 hours and she came back saying it was the first time she felt like anything might make a difference. She carried on seeing that therapist and also had a check in every 2 weeks with the private GP, who kept tweaking her doses. She was on anti depressants and anti psychotics as she was also having psychotic episodes. The private GP also checked all her vitamin levels and prescribed iron tablets. She was under 18 and I was told by my GP that they wouldn't give her any anti depressants as that's policy for under 18s.

I do think the combination of a good private GP and a good therapist made all the difference. She was able to tell me what had happened to her, I was able to support her with it - we offered to go to the police but she chose not to - and as I said to her counsellor, no amount of Prozac was ever going to fix that. Only counselling and time would.

She really is fine now, I hope your daughter will be too. Look after yourself too. I had counselling with a different counsellor because I really needed it. I also read a book about parenting a child with mental illness and it helped, I will link if I can find it.

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 17:41

I also think bi polar, personality disorder etc are bandied around a lot by young people, one counsellor I spoke to on the phone said it was highly unlikely in dd's case. The old school bloke said adjustment disorder which sounds to me like a perfectly reasonable response to a trauma and she certainly had that.

TheBestBitch · 27/07/2022 17:44

This is the book, I haven't read all of it but the bits I have read were helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Let-Go-Through-Illness/dp/1785043315

waterrat · 27/07/2022 18:50

Could you find a clinical psychologist. Some offer family sessions first. Some towns have low cost therapy clinics.

TheBestBitch · 30/07/2022 17:11

@Greyclouds10 how are you?

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 30/07/2022 17:29

Yeah, surviving. I feel overwhelmed to be honest, you were all so helpful. I feel stuck. Going to order that book now I've got paid. But we cant afford private doctors or psychologists, had a quick google. I've booked another appointment with our gp to see about pushing for medication or some more counselling other than just camhs or something anything so I feel like I'm helping. On the plus side she has engaged more this week after camhs crisis set up traffic lights for her which is positive.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 30/07/2022 17:40

I would recommend clinical psychologist, you will have to pay privayely. There are some specialising in children and young people. See if you can find one locally. They are expensive (we looked for dh), in our area about £80 a session. I think the family therapy should also be helpful.

MissyB1 · 30/07/2022 17:41

Fogot to say, I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be incredibly stressful and painful to see your child in such distress. And so hard on all the family.

TeenDivided · 30/07/2022 19:30

Just to be aware, Psychologists can't prescribe, Psychiatrists can.
We went through The Priory to find a private consultant Psychiatrist for DD, then 15, when she was depressed and anxious.

Could there be any link between your 14yo's mental health and the fact your eldest is transitioning? e.g.

a common cause between the two that they are reacting to differently

your 14yo feeling she has lost a sister

attention being on older sibling

Lockdown screwed up a lot of teens I think.

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 30/07/2022 20:30

I dont think it is linked to my eldest, my 14 yo is the most accepting person there is. She absolutely took it in her stride and wasnt at all surprised by it. With regards to attention it is the other way around, the attention is all on the 14 year old and I very much feel guilty that my eldest is being left to transition more on their own, obviously not literally but we just have no emotional energy left to give.

OP posts:

mumofblu · 31/07/2022 04:06

@Greyclouds10

I really feel for you because this is my story with my DD .

Her behaviour escalated after 3 referrals to SS by myself and professionals. Her behaviour included cutting , overdose , and finally absconding . At this point my mh was crashing . I was desperately worried about her , my other child and it was affecting my marriage which had always been strong .

Because of the absconding the police had to be involved and through all this she hated me .

Like @TheBestBitch my dd had been assaulted aged 8 so this enabled us to get counselling , the SS referral was accepted and in two months we are seeing the start of calm .

Through all of this she did everything to push us away , aggression , hate , disgust in herself , asking to go into care and be forgotten about , self abuse .

The pivotal moments for us were the police being called because she attacked us , this was recommended by the CAMHS crisis team and we really avoided doing this.

Then SS assessing us, The recommendation's we have are to not give up on her , continue to tell her we love her . Try to remain calm ( not easy ) .

And the counselling .

You may not have any evidence but it does sound like there is some trauma event for your daughter . Look at parenting her as if she has experienced trauma .

Finally get support for yourself . I have mental health support referred by my gp purely to get support for me to make sure I have what I need ( no meds but talking therapy) x

I hope it gets better for you and her soon because I know how hard this is

mumofblu · 31/07/2022 04:07

@Greyclouds10

I really feel for you because this is my story with my DD .

Because of the absconding the police had to be involved and through all this she hated me .

Like @TheBestBitch my dd had been assaulted aged 8 so this enabled us to get counselling , the SS referral was accepted and in two months we are seeing the start of calm .

Through all of this she did everything to push us away , aggression , hate , disgust in herself , asking to go into care and be forgotten about , self abuse .

The pivotal moments for us were the police being called because she attacked us , this was recommended by the CAMHS crisis team and we really avoided doing this.

Then SS assessing us, The recommendation's we have are to not give up on her , continue to tell her we love her . Try to remain calm ( not easy ) .

And the counselling .

You may not have any evidence but it does sound like there is some trauma event for your daughter . Look at parenting her as if she has experienced trauma .

Finally get support for yourself . I have mental health support referred by my gp purely to get support for me to make sure I have what I need ( no meds but talking therapy) x

I hope it gets better for you and her soon because I know how hard this is

mumofblu · 31/07/2022 04:59

@Greyclouds10

I really feel for you because this is my story with my DD .

Because of the absconding the police had to be involved and through all this she hated me .

Like @TheBestBitch my dd had been assaulted aged 8 so this enabled us to get counselling , the SS referral was accepted and in two months we are seeing the start of calm .

Through all of this she did everything to push us away , aggression , hate , disgust in herself , asking to go into care and be forgotten about , self abuse .

The pivotal moments for us were the police being called because she attacked us , this was recommended by the CAMHS crisis team and we really avoided doing this.

Then SS assessing us, The recommendation's we have are to not give up on her , continue to tell her we love her . Try to remain calm ( not easy ) .

And the counselling .

You may not have any evidence but it does sound like there is some trauma event for your daughter . Look at parenting her as if she has experienced trauma .

Finally get support for yourself . I have mental health support referred by my gp purely to get support for me to make sure I have what I need ( no meds but talking therapy) x

I hope it gets better for you and her soon because I know how hard this is

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 31/07/2022 14:16

Great so now I have gone and made everything a hundred times worse. I just cant do this anymore. Things were going ok, we were working with her traffic lights and everything was ok. But at lunch she decided to get involved and answer back when I was trying to parent my other two children who were arguing. I tried to just tell her to stop getting involved and answering back and she just wouldnt. So I said I would take her phone off her. She refused. So I gave her the option to either stop answering back or loose her phone. She stormed off so I followed because she cant just be 'naughty' and get away with it, especially in front of my other kids because i would expect them to behave. I know it was the wrong decision. She then proceeded to physically assault me, just hitting my arms and then kicking my legs. I gave in and came away. I now have a lump in my shin where she has kicked me and in pain. She went and locked herself in the bathroom. After 10 mins I asked to show her what she had done, she wasnt in the slightest bit bothered. I tried to explain that being 'naughty' is not the same as her not coping, she chose to answer back. She said maybe there was a reason for it. So I asked her to tell me. She just wouldnt because I would just deny it and wouldnt take responsibility, but I dont know what I have done. I said I knew I had handled it badly, she just said the reason is because she doesnt want to be here, dont know if she means at home or alive. I left her to go get her ice that is part of her safety plan and she had locked herself in bathroom again. I have had to beg her to open it, she eventually did and went to her room. I am now on 15 min obs like is set in her safety plan. She has gone in the bathroom again and locked it. I just cant do this anymore, its destroying my family, my mental health, my marriage, everything. I cant cope anymore, I cant not deal with inappropriate behaviour in case it sets her off. I cant live been worried all the time, on edge all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greyclouds10 · 31/07/2022 15:44

And now I am sat at the urgent care centre because she has cut herself again, because of me, and they are deeper

OP posts:

willingtolearn · 31/07/2022 16:04

Hi - you sound worn out.

Remember she hasn't cut herself because of you. She has cut herself as this is her current coping mechanism for when her emotions overwhelm her.

You have got her help, you are with her.

Once you are home, can someone else take over for a bit so you can go for a walk or decompress in some way?

What are your coping mechanisms for stress? Do you have someone, a friend or family member you can reach out to? If not, there are mental health support lines - this link is the main NHS page and has lots of links that might be useful. www.england.nhs.uk/blog/advice-for-parents-guardians-and-carers-on-how-to-support-a-child-or-young-person-if-youre-concerned-about-their-mental-health/

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