I need help

[Greyclouds10]

Life at home is absolute hell, I just dont know what to do anymore. So we are a family of 5. Me and hubby, 17 year old who is transitioning F2M, 14 year old girl and 11 year old boy. Our 14 year old has been self harming for nearly 2 years now. It has got worse. Her arms and ankles are covered in scars. There are constant arguments and she is verbally abusive, particularly to me. However since may it has got worse. Beginning of may she was ill, or so we thought, it turned out she had taken an overdose. She didnt say anything until 3 days later when she disclosed at school. Then about 3 weeks ago she got drunk, not as in she was experimenting, she came out of school at 3.30 and at 5 we got a call from a stranger who had found her paralytic. Then about 2 weeks ago she started getting violent, after I refused to let her have a sandwich for tea she slapped me, that hard i was dazed. Next day she threw shoes at me. Then a few days later toy cars thrown at my head. Now this last weekend she has taken another overdose. She told her friend who told her to tell us, which she did. And then yesterday afternoon she pierced her own ears after I refused to give her a needle, she went and found one and did it.
We went to camhs originally, they wouldnt see us because she was only self harming, it would have to be worse to see them. So she was seen by smash, this was one to one weekly counselling. They discharged her after the first overdose because they had exhausted everything with her. She has been without anyone since then. We were referred back to camhs who did an assessment and decided she could do SHIFT counselling (self harm in family therapy) it would start on 16th aug. She was also referred to early help family support who said they wont see her because she is seeing camhs. We have taken her to the doctors who wont test hormones because she hasnt had 2 years of periods. They are testing for things like anemia, b12, thyroid etc. But we have to wait until 28th aug, they wont do blood test at docs. After this last overdose she has had 3 days of camhs crisis and they have now discharged her. Please help

Poor you. I don't know what to suggest, but you need to speak to GP or Practice Manager and tell them that you are at crisis point, and are being failed. Why can't GP refer you to Psychiatrist, (if they are the only person who can prescribe AD's)?

You also say that you can't afford to see anyone privately. Are you sure they don't do an initial consultation at a cheaper price? (Years ago I got ds seen by an NHS Paed, but he was dismissive, so I paid to see the other Paed / ASD Consultant privately for only one appointment and then guess what my NHS referral to see him suddenly appeared!)

My husband is at home and he tries his best but he really struggles with it. He doesnt understand her outbursts and he also struggles with depression. although he tries I often feel I'm on my own with it. I have a couple of people who know what is going on but not the same as been able to talk about it. I told my sisters about her self harming ages ok, before the overdoses, thinking they would support me and at first there was a little bit, but I cant actually remember the last time they asked how she was or ever asked how I was.

I am utterly exhausted, I'm tired from being on edge constantly. My body hurts tonight where she has battered me earlier, I have a lump on my shin where she kicked me...... I have booked another appointment at gps to try again for medication or something. If she were an adult they would already have her on tablets. If no success I will have to find the money for private gp

You may not know anyone else personally going through this but it is more common than you think .

Our Sw for our dd , doing exact what u describe your dd doing , says she has lots of similar teenagers on her caseloads .

I know what you mean about fear of disciplining because of what our dd would do . We have a younger child who was becoming increasingly distressed at what she was seeing and hearing from older dd . I told gp of risk to family breakdown , emotional health of younger child , family breakdown , our inability to keep her safe .

We are also described as a "nice" family with no other issues .

I found friends to be judgemental saying "just tell her to behave " ahh if only !

Calling the police when she became v aggressive turned things round . They were fantastic , explained that she couldn't do what she wanted because we have s duty to care for her which meant boundaries. She really listened to this . This was echoed by the Sw .

We also found she was being physically hurt by her Bf , from a v difficult family .

She is no longer with the bf , making new friends , accepting our boundaries .

Getting police involved may get you the support you need from SS .

Pm me if you want x

Ok, well to follow up from yesterday. As she went to bed she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. Such a long time since she has done this. Later today I have an appointment with the go again. I'm not expecting anything from it but I'm going to ask about medication, her hormones checking and referal to psychiatrists. Thank you everyone it is so helpful to hear from other people who understand and have walked in my shoes

That's such a good update. Your lovely girl is still in there somewhere and she knows you want to help her. Keep telling her you love her (I'm sure you already do this) and that you want to help.

I bet your love is having a protective effect, even if you don't always feel it is. My dd told the mental health team at the hospital that her family and best friend had a protective effect.

@Greyclouds10

Ah that's lovely . I get that too , moments when she is sorry and wants reassurance that we are still there for her .

My Gp refused to check hormones or refer to psychiatrist until work done by SS , who kept pushing it back until we hit crisis and behaviour became too risky . 3rd referral to SS from GP and police and it got accepted.

I would be interested in the response you get from your gp

All the best x

@TheBestBitch

That's such a good update. Your lovely girl is still in there somewhere and she knows you want to help her. Keep telling her you love her (I'm sure you already do this) and that you want to help.

I bet your love is having a protective effect, even if you don't always feel it is. My dd told the mental health team at the hospital that her family and best friend had a protective effect.

Could not agree more with this
Our other dd is adopted and my eldest Dd said she didn't want her taking away by Sw because " we are really good parents and that they couldn't have a better family "

😡😡😡 I can not begin to tell you have frustrated I am. I didnt expect anything really from what you had all said but omg, the gp was more than useless. He barely spoke to DD, considering she was at hospital yesterday he didnt even ask how she was today. He kept repeating it wasnt his area of expertise, said checking hormone levels wont tell us anything. Medication wont be given to under 16s and is something camhs would do anyway. All a psychiatrist would do is diagnose a disorder, I said about concerns regarding bipolar traits, he just said we wont see a psychiatrist because there isnt enough of them. Didnt even ask about SS or suggest a referal to them or anyone. Nothing at all. He basically just said get a private counsellor/therapist (but wait till you've seen camhs) and dont hold your breath with what camhs will do.

@Greyclouds10 I’m really sorry to hear it. This is why we went private. I know we’re lucky. There are some counsellors who do free sessions, does her school offer anything? (Sorry if you’ve said)

Worth a try?

www.selfharm.co.uk

Also here

harmless.org.uk

sorry, I know you can google. There’s also www.meetoo.help

I appreciate it, because I look and then I cant think straight for worry. What really concerns me is that the gp and camhs seem to be just ignoring the overdoses and only focusing on the self harm. Bottom line I'd rather she was alive and self harming than dead from an overdose 😔

So sorry you are going through this. I've supported a friend through similar with their daughter. She is 18 now and doing much better though still has wobbles from time to time.

I wondered if you have thought about autism? Your older child being trans and this dd struggling with MH does suggest this might be a possibility. It might help her to know there is a reason she is struggling? Please ignore if this is unhelpful through.

I understand you've been fobbed off again by yet another GP. So now go to Practice Manager. Make a complaint. Put it in an email. They hate that. Because then there's a paper trail.

@Greyclouds10

I'm unfortunately not surprised . It was the same for us . No hormone check , no psych referral .

I arranged private counselling and referred self to social services but it took three times and increasingly risky behaviour culminating in her going missing for a night

She od 'd , self harmed , bruising from boyfriend and more that I don't want to put here

I also self referred myself for MH support because my anxiety was off the scale .

I imagined her going missing and never seeing her again and was told to prepare myself for that being reality ! It was horrendous .

If sounds like you want medication but that only dampens the behaviour.

I know SS get a bad name but they have seriously saved us .

She's 14 right. So ask for Paed referral aswell. I'd self refer to SS aswell.

You need to be very very organised. Like a lawyer. You approach every angle: GP, camhs, paed, SS, school, school counsellor, Senco, HoY. Everyone. You email, you phone, you chase. Then you email again. Following up.... I spoke to Vicky on Monday 1st august at 11.35, but I haven't heard back.... then you follow up 3 days later. The same 5 emails to different depts, chasing.

It's painful. But I know no other way. Unless other posters have better suggestions?

@Oblomov22

No other suggestions

This is exactly what I had to do

@Greyclouds10
So sorry you are going through this - I've been in a similar position.
If you use Facebook at all please do join the private group entitled Parenting Mental Health. Everyone there has a child who is struggling and it really is an amazing source of support and advice. And it helps to feel less alone.

Hi, I couldn't read and run. I just wanted to reach out to you. Camhs usually have their own psychiatrist who can prescribe anti depressants. My DD was self harming and the psychiatrist at Camhs put her on antidepressants. I'm not really sure if it helped to be honest.

I completely understand your frustration and feeling like no one is helping or taking responsibility. I have felt so alone in so much of this. And you're right, you have to have boundaries and sanctions. But it's not easy navigating knowing it will lead to a fight, even when you're choosing your battles.
Please don't be offended if I ask, but is there any chance that she may be taking something? I only ask because I've got a situation going on with my son, a lovely polite and kind boy who became someone I just didn't recognise. He had taken something. I don't want to go into it on here but you can pm me if you would like to. Crux is that I rang childrens services and said I didn't feel safe and I was worried about him and that ultimately I couldn't cope/didn't know what else to do. A SW has visited and has referred us to The Edge of Care Team. We'll see if that brings anything. But her words were that right now it's about supporting me as I'm doing everything right - as are you. And that's absolutely no comfort to you when you're in the thick of this hell.
Sending love and strength to you xx

I wonder if you need carers support in your own right. I'm not sure which area you are in but really I think you need something for you.

CAMHs is really awful at the moment in terms of demand and capacity but that's not your problem.

I agree with the previous poster and suggest you start bombarding everyone with emails, phone calls etc. don't take no for an answer and get your husband to take on some of that load too.

You don’t describe any bipolar traits, a tendency to ‘flip mood’ is not a bipolar trait it is an trait of emotional dysregulation sometimes associated with EUPD but not always.

Bipolar is a mood disorder, v different from EUPD which is a personality disorder. No one would dx a 14 year old with a personality disorder, but they might use phrases such as ‘emerging traits’.

“I wondered if you have thought about autism? Your older child being trans and this dd struggling with MH does suggest this might be a possibility. It might help her to know there is a reason she is struggling? Please ignore if this is unhelpful through.”

Second this, many young women get a dx of EUPD when they really have Autism. There is a co morbidity with gender dysphoria too.

I have suggested about autism when we have had meetings at school but they said no. But, obviously there is all the emotional stuff previously mentioned but also she struggles with noises - snoring, eating, breathing, feet touching/walking across the lino floor. She has to leave the kitchen through a certain door. She cant bare the touch of the carpet on her feet. She doesnt like being touched. She can struggle to see why people are upset. These to me all suggest autistic traits/auditory processing????? Someone did mention a front door referal for this????