Dd keeps falling asleep in her clothes

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dd is 15, end of year 10. She’s on the autistic spectrum and has had some problems this year with anxiety and erratic school attendance. She’s much better now but attendance is still very poor. We think it’s a habit she’s got into rather than anxiety.

She has poor sleep hygiene/routine (very common with ASD I know). We have recently reintroduced Wi-Fi restrictions, her devices switch off at 11.30pm on school nights (too late I know but we had to start somewhere). One problem seems to be she’ll sit or lie on her bed late at night with every intention of showering etc but will then fall asleep in her clothes.

Last night this happened again. I went in to get her up for school, she was asleep in her clothes with the lights on and hence has refused school again this morning. I’m so frustrated.

I think you have to make sure she's showered before you go to bed then, maybe fix that for 9 when the wifi goes off briefly, put it back on after?

if she's ASD she may respond to very marked rule and boundaries? make a timetable, bring the devices time off forward by an hour (gradually if needs be) and maybe use device time as a carrot - she could shower and get into pjs straight after school before any screen time (my dd lives in pjs and only puts clothes on to leave the house)

She does a lot of dance classes and gets home quite late on some evenings. I don’t think showering straight after school would work for her. But that’s a good idea about switching off the Wi-Fi until after she’s showered.

Feeling very down about it today, like I’m failing as a parent.

What about setting a time that she showers when she gets home from activities and WiFi goes on after, if she's back late anyway there's no issue with her getting into PJs. Could she have a lamp with a timer plug? (We use them when we go on holiday so it looks like someone is home) even if you set it to go off at 1am so it's not like a curfew she will get some rest in a quiet dark environment

*rule not time

Strict rules and 'can't get something nice (eg. Wifi) if you don't do XYZ doesn't work with ASD
Need to get to the route of why it's happening

Does she want help? Does she know the process required to shower? It's simple to presume because of her age she does but maybe as she's got older it feels a bigger task?
Does she simply want company to help get it going?

I used to freeze and want to do a task such as personal care (teeth etc) but just not be able to get going

Gentle guidance would have helped - not punishment

Just a thought from someone who's been there as a teenager

Thank you @flightless55 she won’t talk to us or engage at all what the issues are. I suspect some PDA traits which doesn’t help. It’s gradually got worse and worse this school year. Last year whilst she was showering late, at least it was happening and she went to bed and up for school the next day.

@bendmeoverbackwards ah PDA is another ball all together
Could you pop a timer on the lights in her room so at least they turn off and help her get a good nights sleep in case it happens?

I'm sure someone with experience of PDA will be along to help soon

After a full day at school and activities, 11:30 is very late - no wonder she is exhausted. Try starting the bedtime routine earlier to have her in bed by 10 (move the whole wifi off earlier, homework, shower etc forward)

Why don't you encourage a regular evening routine on school nights? Dinner, homework, then she showers and gets into PJ's to lol about on bed reading watching TV or phoning pals. Lights out/devices off by 10.

Ask any teacher; the best thing ANY parent can do for their child's education, is very simple. Make sure your child arrives at school fresh, well rested and well fed and well prepared (done their homework).

I've long suspected those three are the main educational advantages of very expensive boarding schools.

Janet

Hi OP, I also have an ASD teenager.

Don't beat yourself up, it's tough!

I'm sure you have tried it but does showering in the morning work better?

It's good you've started to cut back Wi-Fi but does she she still have her phone or other devices?
If so can you remove them at night. 11:30 is really late but I know you know that

Showering involves quite a lot of effort, decision making and sensory changes, more so if you have long hair and need to deal with that.
Leaving it until last thing at night may mean that she's less able to manage all of it. When might be another time that is easier for her? Or is there an alternative to showering? Could she come home from dance to find a bath already run and waiting for her? Could you teach how to wash at the sink?

Thank you all, I really appreciate all the advice.

Morning showering is definitely not for her. She has curly hair which she is very fussy about and it needs a lot of maintenance.

No she keeps her devices in her room overnight, not ideal I know. She only has minimal data and will save it for when she’s out and about. Difficult with the wifi as a lot of schoolwork and homework is online/on teams etc.

We are thinking of moving the cut off time to 11pm in September (with plenty of warning). Maybe we can say the wifi will be off say from 9-10pm while she she showers then she can go back online for a short while before bed.

I know 11.30pm is really late. Unfortunately we made a huge mistake 8 months ago of lifting the Wi-Fi restrictions completely. Worst decision ever which I am berating myself over.

I'm reading this with interest as I have long suspected my dd(15) has ASD, and she also sometimes falls asleep in her clothes, lying on her bed with devices, and showers less than I'd like.

What time do you go to bed?

Was she refusing to go to school because her hair wasn’t right (because she hadn’t showered night before) or because she wasn’t rested because she slept with the lights on?

If it’s the latter (lights still on), wouldn’t popping in on her about 11.30 be the answer? If she’s asleep already, turn the light off. Sleeping in clothes isn’t a big deal, she can shower in the morning (buy a shower cap for the hair problem).

If she needs to shower to wash her hair and make it nice, and that was more the same side, then you need to make sure the shower happens straight away as soon as she comes in from dance. Do not pass go before having a shower.

@Romeiswheretheheartis does she still go to school though?

@NoSquirrels I think it's mainly to do with her hair. We go to bed around 11.30-12 and I have tried popping in before I go to sleep (sometimes more than once). Sometimes she's half asleep so I try and rouse her but then she falls back to sleep again.

Think I'm going to have to get tough with the timing of showering. My own fault for letting things slide. Older two dds were a piece of cake compared to her so I never really needed to be too strict. Dd3 pushes the boundaries more than I can believe.

Has anyone ever mentioned executive function to you?

My ds is autistic and his is really poor despite him being really intelligent.

Sometimes strict routines that are written down help focus their mind in the tasks - especially when there's a reward to motivate them (wi fi is usually a winner!)

@NoSquirrels I think it's mainly to do with her hair. We go to bed around 11.30-12 and I have tried popping in before I go to sleep (sometimes more than once). Sometimes she's half asleep so I try and rouse her but then she falls back to sleep again.

What’s the routine after she’s in from dance? My DC doesn’t eat til after coming in from activities (finishing 8pm ish or so), so it’s relatively easy to insist on a shower then as eating is the reward for getting it done! I think transitions are tricky, especially for non NT folk - once you sit down and get distracted you lose the incentive to start again. So tagging “shower” straight onto the coming in means you don’t lose momentum.

Does she need to wash her hair every day? If not the shower cap is a real solution!

If you check on her at 11.30 and she hasn’t changed/has fallen asleep then I’d not rouse her, tbh, just turn the light off and let her sleep.

I vote for switching off wi-fi earlier, honestly 11:30 is too late even for the bedtime. And you don’t need to switch-off all the wi-fi, just install a good parental control on her devices and put healthy screen time limit, maximum 2 hours a day, screen off at least one hour before bedtime until morning (9:30 screen off, 10:30 bedtime light off). It will automatically block the phone at the right time, easier and simpler, much less discussions. Make the bedtime a preset time, if she is not in the bed at the right time with pajamas on, after the right bathroom routine, set the next night bedtime early. I mean set clear rules and expectations, she needs that, especially with ASD.

Would you set the same switch off time for both phone and laptop bearing in mind she often needs the laptop for homework?

@NoSquirrels dance timetable has changed again next term and on Monday nights her classes finish at bloody 9.15pm which means she won’t be home till 9.30. I am going to contact the dance school and see if there is any alternative time but timetabling is difficult and this age group are seniors so get later slots.

Showering is a complex and difficult coordination of sensory processes so I would start by looking at those challenges with compassion and curiosity.

Is she washing her hair every time? My curly hair would be unmanageable if I washed it daily. A good shower cap might help.

Also changing clothes for bed isn’t strictly necessary - there are ways around that too.

It’s not unusual for a dc on the spectrum to need more support to shower, brush teeth, etc because of the developmental delay in executive functioning. Try and take those needs in your stride rather than worrying about independence at this point.

@Trivester her usual routine is daily shower and washes her hair every other day I think. She puts it up when she doesn’t wash it. She prefers good personal hygiene, no problems with teeth brushing etc (other than when she falls asleep in her clothes I’m guessing). She doesn’t want my support with these things, she just pushes me out.