My daughter

[BadMum3]

Hi, I need some advice please!! My daughter is 16 and has mental health problems; she suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She does not leave the house, has no friends and left mainstream school in year 8. She was not able to sit her GCSES this year. I gave up my job in the police in 2020 to become her carer. To make ends meet I took on a variety of jobs as a cleaner. I spent a lot of time and energy getting her help and she has just started CBT paid for privately.

She lives with her dad. I used to live there but he asked me to leave as we did not get on. I found a flat just round the corner so I was nearby. I went round there all the time to care for her.

We had a big argument today and she has decided she wants a break from me so does not want me to go round at the moment. She tells me that she is hurt at my treatment of her during her upbringing. She says that I used to yell at her all the time and it scared her. I know that I did shout a lot for which I have apologised but she seems unable to forgive me. She blames me and her Dad for all her mental health problems and says she is scared of relationships because ours has not been the best. She says she has trust issues due to us.

I blame myself all the time as well. I feel sad and miserable all the time and being cast out like this does not help. I did not realise she held as much resentment towards me for what happened. She seemed such a happy little girl, had plenty of friends and loved primary school. She now has no friends due to not bring able to leave the house.

I do not know what to do. I have spent the last two years trying to help her and get her help. I have tried to be supportive and understand her condition which has not been easy as I hate to see her in the state she has been in. She has self harmed and has suicidal thoughts.

To be "dropped" like this really hurts. To realise that she blames us for her mental health problems and that we are not helping also hurts. I know that I need to accept responsibility for what has happened being her parent. I also have her dad on my back who has asked me that I am supposed to be around in the day to help but what am I actually doing to help??

I have decided not to hassle her with messages. I must respect her decision to have a break from me.

No harsh judgements please, I judge myself harshly all the time!!

Maybe a harsh feeling but perhaps it is time to take a step back and concentrate on making you happy. You have done your best and made lots of sacrifices to try to help your daughter. You can only do so much. She needs someone to blame and you seem to be first in the firing line. So many teenagers seem to suffer from anxiety and depression and parents struggle to work out why. Often there is no clear cut reason. Let her know you are there for her but appreciate that she wants distance from you, and you are now trying to get on with your life because you are struggling too. Perhaps, seeing you moving on and trying to live a better life might motivate her a little to help herself, along with all the professional help you have accessed for her too. I really feel for you. I often feel my happiness is very much affected by how happy and content my adult children are. Being a parent is not easy or straightforward. Lots of ups and down along the way.

Also, be kinder to yourself. No one has the answers. You can only do what you think is right at the time. You are not a bad person. I hope you have someone in your life to support YOU and make you realise that you have a right to some happiness too. There are so many factors that influence us in life. You are only one factor. She has her dad in her life and he plays a big part too.

I really feel for you and this is such a sad situation to be in.

My DD had MH problems when she was 17/18. We were lucky in that we had BUPA and she did not blame us, but I remember what an awful worrying time it was nevertheless.

She needs someone to blame and as the nearest to her, she is blaming you. Maybe subconsciously she has chosen you because no matter what she does, she knows you will never stop loving her.

I agree with giraffe that you have to step back. Please remember that this won’t go on forever. CBT may help her stop blaming you.

My DD saw a clinical therapist and was put on antidepressants. She recovered and is now a very loving daughter.

I wish you the very best and the patience to see it through.

Thanks both for your messages. I am trying to move on with my life but it is so difficult. I feel miserable all the time. I do have a new job which I am starting on 1st August but it is a WFH job which I took so I could look after my daughter at the same time so not sure if I will do this given the current situation. Maybe my daughter will want to see me by then, who knows??

Sleepymum50 - I am so glad to hear that your daughter came out the other end. It gives me hope.

I have little support from anyone and feel very isolated.

I am worried that she won't contact me again or want to see me.

When was the argument?

what sort of things do you like doing for yourself?

You can not help anyone if you are broken, and I’m sure at the moment you are feeling your lowest. DD wasn’t as bad as yours but I most certainly was the target for her venom most of the time. Scuba and open water swimming saved me you’ve spendthrift the last 4 years completely focused on her and her alone.

One thing I did find during this time was half the time she didn’t remember what she’d said during these arguments, the other half she knew and regretted it. The best thing you can do now is try and keep the lines of communication open, but any message you do send avoid fussing over her, no how are you feeling or opening up to how you feel about the argument etc. simply a ‘what you up to today, I’m off to the shops do you need anything’ kind of thing. Let her open up to you when she’s ready for more.

The other thing you need to do is rediscover you, you’ve given over your entire life for 4 years, it’s too much, you need to be less available and start going out take up a new hobby and find something to engage your brain, for me it was all water based they can’t contact you when you’re under water. It will make you better when you are around her having a different focus is important. As you gave up everything to care for her (and I can only imagine how bad she must have been for you to have done this) from her point of view you are always there, watching, worrying and it will come across as very intense.

good luck

Thanks for your message. The argument was yesterday and it was as a result of that that she told me to go. I have given her the space she needs but I am so scared she won't want me around. You are right about finding time for myself but I feel so low atm. Her dad tells me that she fels sad about what happened and was crying last night so like your daughter she seems to regret what happened.

I am worried she won't come back to me.

My ds left home by stealth when he was 14, went for a weekend during the school holidays, then asked to stay for a few more days then didn't come home. He didn't speak to me for 3 months & refused to see me, then he gradually started to see more of him. One Saturday a year later I got a tearful phone call would I pick him up his dad had thrown him out after an argument. He's been back home 3 years now, he never stays over at his dad's since then. Give her time & space but reassure her that you love & miss her, she will be back when she is ready.

you have been an amazing mum and sacrificed so much for your girl. Please don’t reproach yourself, the fact she is even starting CBT now is down to you.

I think you shouldn’t bombard her or immediately go running back to her but keep lines of communication open with light messages, as PP said about popping to the shops or send her little stories or memes occasionally that you have seen online ‘saw this, thought it might make you smile’ etc. but please please look after yourself too,

sure your ex is worried about your girl too but he doesn’t sound massively helpful or appreciative, is there anyone who can support you?? I think you have posted before and you sound very isolated due to your sacrifice. Please take the job if it’s what you want. Am sure your daughter will come back to you but you also need something for yourself.

I know that I did shout a lot for which I have apologised but she seems unable to forgive me. She blames me and her Dad for all her mental health problems and says she is scared of relationships because ours has not been the best. She says she has trust issues due to us.

And you are still arguing with her. I suggest two things. One, do some serious work on you. Why did you shout, why was your relationship not OK, why are you engaging with her by arguing? Two, get some parenting support. Read some books, I have suggestions if you'd like. Do a few classes, seek family therapists to look at how you can parent effectively.

Teenagers throw balls. It doesn't mean we have to chase them. We have to think, analyse, and work out what their unmet need is.

I'm going to sleep in a minute but wanted to add how much I feel for you and to say that I think her lashing out and needing space is normal.

You've been a wonderful mum to her and still are, but she's 16 - past the time for lashing put and rebelling. Not only is she taking things out on you because you're closest to her but she's also feeling smothered I think. That's not your fault, she's just a normal teenage living a very narrow and difficult life and needing space from parents (especially daughters from mothers) is totally normal.

You're doing all the right things and she will come back to you, she just needs to start finding her own way and being her own person. It's a good thing, you don't want her living a codependent life on you.

Please try and line up support for yourself too, your situation is so, so hard to be in - especially after being your dauhhters carer, giving up work and still having to leave the family home (I mean wth?) .

You're doing a wonderful wonderful job

From experience 16 was probably the hardest age, it does get better, I also have a friend who has probably experienced a situation similar to you and whilst she still worries and her ds is still sometimes struggling mid 20s 16 was the worst time for them. Just send a quick fairly bland but friendly text today, apologise for your part in it and put it behind you, don’t expect any comment from her, going over it will benefit neither of you.

Try and do just one thing for you each day even if it’s just a bubble bath, as I said upthread, you can not help anyone if you are broken. This is so so important, you have been all consumed by this for 4 years. There is a limit to how much you can deal with you need to look after your own mental health.

I had very helpful therapy through similar. Including the casting out. (I had to ring school to tell them I wasn't dead!).

Pp is right. She knows she can do this and you will still be there. You are not a bad mum or you wouldn't be upset and posting here. You'd be relieved at being let go and making plans for your own life. Change your username please.

Best advice was that you are still her mum. Think about what that means on the day to day and keep up your parental presence in ways that won't drive her away further. Stay in touch with family friends, aunts etc or anything dd is involved in. Trusted adults that can be there for her while you are more distanced. Tell them what's happening and you need them to support dd. Make sure she has the things she needs. Phone credit etc. She needs her mum despite what she says. And you're still her mum. You can still do mum things.

We're at 18 now and it's a lot better (flashbacks are real mind!)

Ah I see that this is fairly recent but obviously things are already difficult. Hopefully she will not follow through on her words and you won't need my advice. It's horrible. Keep going. You are her mum and you're doing what you can. She will see that eventually.

She says that I used to yell at her all the time and it scared her. I know that I did shout a lot for which I have apologised but she seems unable to forgive me.

It runs deeper than a 'sorry' could ever fix.

Reading your posts as well I see concern for you but not for her...

You are miserable, you feel 'dropped', you are isolated, you are worried she won't wasn't you around. You think her crying last night meant she regretted the argument rather than her actually being upset about her whole situation. You also left her. That must have been crushing for her.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through and I can relate as my daughter and I had a very difficult couple of years, 15-17, during which time she had quite serious mental health problems and I felt bereft.

People told me it would pass and it still felt incredibly difficult to cope, the pain is immense.

We are now 18months on from then and things are good!!! I tell you this to encourage you, to give you hope, though I appreciate it still feels awful when you are in it.

There are two issues, her pain and your pain. Firstly, it is normal and natural for teenagers to push their parents away. They have to do this as part of developing independence. It is also normal for them to start reflecting on what is fair and right, and they can be extremely harsh.

Having said that, I put up my hands and acknowledged the pain I had caused my girl during my less than ideal parenting moments. It’s the least I could do. I set out to be a good parent but I haven’t always achieved that and I wanted her to know that it was my shortcomings and in no way fair on her. Also that I was committed to doing better.

Then there is her stuff which is a lot! It’s hard being a teenager, hormones are raging and the brain is changing. Peer pressure is intense. And when there is a relationship breakdown within the family, that’s another challenge for them.

So I tried to step back and give her space to work through those feelings, to respect her need for space. I missed her. And I know she missed me but she needed to take control over how she managed things so that’s what happened.

For my part, I signed up for a parenting teens workshop, private counselling, and tried to focus on the positives of my life. I got amazing support from close friends.

Look after yourself, and try not to dwell on self-blame. All you can do is focus on strengthen yourself and being there for when she is ready. X

Thats very unkind. The OP is posting for support, she is allowed to have feelings. And it is of no use to try to shame her, no one ever got better at something through being shamed.

Thats very unkind. The OP is posting for support, she is allowed to have feelings. And it is of no use to try to shame her, no one ever got better at something through being shamed.

I wasn't trying to shame OP or be unkind. I was that teenager; I can relate.

This must be so hard. You have done your very best for your daughter If I were in your position I would send her a text telling her how much you love her and you will always be there for her but you are respecting her wishes and giving her the space she needs. I think she is blaming you out of her own frustration with her mental health. She should be encouraged by her dad to go to the drs and get medication for a while to see if it helps. I really think she will come out the other side and be sorry for the way she has treated you. You only have one mum. You have done your very best and she will one day realise. Try to rebuild your life and get one happiness for yourself. It must feel impossible but your daughter has to take responsibility for her own recovery now she has pushed you away. Good luck and I hope things get better.

If I were in your position I would send her a text telling her how much you love her and you will always be there for her but you are respecting her wishes and giving her the space she needs.

This was the things that broke me. The 'I will give you the space you need' - I still don't understand how she could walk away from me when I was so desperately unhappy. It's been 30 years since I was that teen but the hurt is there still now.

must feel impossible but your daughter has to take responsibility for her own recovery now she has pushed you away.

She is just 16 she needs her mum to fight back to that push, not accept it. To stand up and fight. To be in her corner. I can't imagine walking away from my troubled child and saying they have to take responsibility. She has serious mental health problems. She isn't able to be responsible here.

Teenagers are bad at swallowing their pride or apologising but if she was crying to her Dad upset about what happened I don’t think the right response is to give her space without reaching out. It’s common for people who are anxious and depressed to push other people away, especially those closest to them, but often it comes from a fear of rejection rather than a genuine want to be away from those people.

I would send your DD a text to say you love her and let her know you’re always there if she needs you and say that you’ll respect her wishes of giving her some space today but will pop over tomorrow for a cup of tea. Don’t break contact completely, keep showing her you’re there for her and that she can’t push you away because you’re her mum. Obviously at the same time you do need to respect the fact she wants more space so I wouldn’t be overwhelming her with long visits and maybe you need to look at changing the routine. A good idea would be to sit down with her, say that you respect her wish for space but obviously as her mum still want to see and support her and see if together you can come up with a routine for when you should see her across the week and how long etc. That way you can give her some space but without just indefinitely not seeing each other.

As an aside, how much help is your DD getting externally for her MH issues? Has she been prescribed any medication by a GP or psychiatrist? Has she been referred to CAHMs? Aside from the CBT has she been referred for counselling or talking therapy? I also wonder whether, if a lot of the issues are relating to her childhood and she blames you, you have considered family therapy and having a safe space to talk about the past and how it’s impacting on all of you?

Just sending love and support OP. My DD is soon to be 16 and also could not take GCSEs and has been unable to attend school for mental health reasons. I'm a single parent and yes, she sometimes blames me and it's bloody hard.

I once read that if an adult wants you to love them they show their very best side, if a child wants you to love them they show their worst. I suspect this is what your daughter is doing. She is ill, angry, unable to take responsibility, desperate for your love and angry with you all at the same time. Just stay with it and show her love. Maybe ease off a bit but keep coming back, bring her a cup of tea or something, just sit with her even if she won't acknowledge you, hug her. And be kind to yourself too. So sorry, I know this is a nightmare

Which is what is known as projection.

This is not about you.

You can only do so much, until you have nothing left. I was in a similar situation and through worry and a constant state of waiting for the next incident or drama, I probably smothered her.

In the end I had to step back and protect myself, yes we are the parents and of course they will take it out on us, but there comes a point you have to give them and you space.

With my dd I had to back off, stop texting so much, stop trying to resolve everything and 'manage' the whole family. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It was hard but the space worked.

Yes it's about your dd but when you're the parent/carer dealing with all of the fallout, it's about you too. Take care of yourself, she'll come back. It will pass.

Which is what is known as projection.

This is not about you.

I'm really sorry, it wasn't meant to be like that.

Sometimes seeing things from the other side is helpful. That's all. I apologise. Won't post again.

But she is not walking away. That is why i said In her position I would make sure she knew I am here and I love her. Banging on her door every day will do no good atall. Yes she is only 16 but she is not a baby that you can manhandle or force to do anything g against her will. She has made her wishes clear. She will know damn well her mother is heartbroken but she can do no more until she lets her in