My daughter

[BadMum3]

Hi, I need some advice please!! My daughter is 16 and has mental health problems; she suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She does not leave the house, has no friends and left mainstream school in year 8. She was not able to sit her GCSES this year. I gave up my job in the police in 2020 to become her carer. To make ends meet I took on a variety of jobs as a cleaner. I spent a lot of time and energy getting her help and she has just started CBT paid for privately.

She lives with her dad. I used to live there but he asked me to leave as we did not get on. I found a flat just round the corner so I was nearby. I went round there all the time to care for her.

We had a big argument today and she has decided she wants a break from me so does not want me to go round at the moment. She tells me that she is hurt at my treatment of her during her upbringing. She says that I used to yell at her all the time and it scared her. I know that I did shout a lot for which I have apologised but she seems unable to forgive me. She blames me and her Dad for all her mental health problems and says she is scared of relationships because ours has not been the best. She says she has trust issues due to us.

I blame myself all the time as well. I feel sad and miserable all the time and being cast out like this does not help. I did not realise she held as much resentment towards me for what happened. She seemed such a happy little girl, had plenty of friends and loved primary school. She now has no friends due to not bring able to leave the house.

I do not know what to do. I have spent the last two years trying to help her and get her help. I have tried to be supportive and understand her condition which has not been easy as I hate to see her in the state she has been in. She has self harmed and has suicidal thoughts.

To be "dropped" like this really hurts. To realise that she blames us for her mental health problems and that we are not helping also hurts. I know that I need to accept responsibility for what has happened being her parent. I also have her dad on my back who has asked me that I am supposed to be around in the day to help but what am I actually doing to help??

I have decided not to hassle her with messages. I must respect her decision to have a break from me.

No harsh judgements please, I judge myself harshly all the time!!

I think you need to lead by example and look after yourself in this situation.

Embrace a new found freedom, get a new job, join a gym, meet friends and learn how to laugh again.

She’ll be back when she’s ready.

i know it sounds a bit mean but it isn't all about you, she's ill and you admittedly say you never dealt with it the best you can't expect that to go away with an apology that's obviously had an effect on her and it'll take time to heal

lailamaria You are right it does sound mean. I know full well it is not about me. However this is my post and I am entitled to have and express my feelings. If it was all about me I was not have devoted my entire life to try and get my daughter better. You do not need to tell me my daughter is ill, I know that better than anyone but this has affected me greatly and I do not see why I can't explain that. I know all this goes a lot deeper for my daughter but an apology is a start and an admission I did something wrong which is more than most people do. I have not always been the best parent but I do love
my daughter very much and only want the best for her.

parenthood1989 I did not leave her. I was asked to leave by my ex, her dad. I was living at his house, we were not getting along and he wanted me to go. I then had to quickly find somewhere else to live and found a flat round the corner from her, less than five mins walk. Believe me none of that was my choice.

TheFridayRabbit thank you for standing up for me.

TheFridayRabbit I too have put my hands up and admitted my mistakes of which there have been plenty!! I have not been perfect and like you said I constantly want to improve.

Dear everybody, thanks for your comments, by and large they have been supportive but I knew that there would be those that judged me such as MrsTerryPratchett, lailamaria and parenthood1989. I am asking after all for people's opinions and I can't expect everyone to be on my side. I have seen my daughter and I am trying to keep things upbeat but lines of communication are bring kept open. I have told her many many times that I love her and am always here for her. I don't think it is unreasonable for me to say how hurt I am by all this but my daughter's improved mental health is the most important thing to me and is something I strive for.

You have no idea. This whole situation has been hard work and I will continue to work hard at it until my daughter gets better. As for slow progress it has been going on for years. Your comment was not supportive and this new one beggars belief.

I have been in your shoes and appreciate your pain.
She will not abandon you, she is lashing out - understand that and mentally accept that it is to a point harsh and irrational coming from her own fears and insecurities, even if you that agree you shouted at her as a child (because no parent is perfect and raising children is a challenge for most of us at times!)
Try not to let her see that what she says upsets you, even while she is saying horrible things she will be feeling bad about it.
Try not to argue about the past - rather express how sorry you are that she is feeling bad.
Know that she will miss you, even while trying to push you away as her mental health is making her try this as a solution.
Send her messages that don't require answers - maybe even funny little things that happened or that you saw in the day. Maybe drop off her favourite chocolate or something now and again.
When she's had a bit of space to calm down, suggest that you have a coffee date every week ( even a drive-through if she doesn't like going in places) - say you're happy just to be together and not talk if she doesn't want to.
She will need to 'adult' at some time and so in a way her albeit painful detachment is a healthy process for her. I found things easier once I let my DD accept more consequences of her actions i.e. failures. She became much more determined to deal with problems and not give up and need bailing out.

Absolutely look after your own mental and physical health. Yoga on Youtube? Paint your nails? Whatever you have never found time for because naturally all your mental energy has been taken over with her.
Read up on co-dependency, it may not be relevant but it did help me detach a little and break the cycle of arguments and unhappiness.

What sort of support do you have?

You are allowed to be sad and feel bewildered. You are allowed to feel anything!

I’d encourage you to keep interactions with your daughter simple, to bite your tongue as often as possible when she is rude, and to just let her know the door is always open.

But mostly I would encourage you to take really good care of yourself with regard to diet, exercise, sleep and keeping up with things you like. The better you are, the better it is for your daughter.

Twillow thanks for your message. It has made me feel a lot better. Her dad went racing today and yesterday I said to her that if she wants me to come round then I will as it will mean she will be on her own. She has not text me asking her to come round and I have not been round. I am due to go round later to walk the dog when it is cooler so I will see her then. I will try to keep it light and ask how she is/did she have a good day??

My mental health is very poor atm. I did go to the gym this morning. But I just feel so awful that I really don't want to do anything.

TheFridayRabbit I have no support so I feel alone. I do hope this horrible feeling will pass. I am not sleeping well. I feel utterly miserable.

Hey OP. I can totally empathise with the feeling alone and being on tenterhooks all the time.

I went to my GP in the end and started on some anxiety meds as I was a mess. It did help which in-turn made me better able to cope day to day. Not saying everyone should do it, but it was a big help for me.

You've text her that you're available etc, she knows.

I really do feel for you both. It's very hard.

It's hard. I've had similar issues with both mine at various points. It's very easy to blame parents as simply teenagers do not have enough life experience to do anything other than lash out at those nearest to them. I found it goes through phases; some good, some bad. Just when you think you've cracked it it all blows up again.

I sounds very intense. Could you suggest something that would break that like an activity? Swimming? Cinema? Something that doesn't pitch you into a potential face-to-face combative situation but allows you to share a positive experience

MissMogwai, thank you, you are right it is very hard, i am on anti depressants already.

courtrai thanks for your message, unfortunately my daughter's anxiety is so bad that she cannot leave the house so swimming/cinema won't be happening. I found a CBT therapist for her and she has started sessions with her so hopefully she will be able to go out soon. I see her when I go round to walk the dog and I am trying to keep communication between us light not heavy. She has not text me for a while and this is hard as she used to text me all the time (up to a few days ago when the argument happened) asking where I was etc.

@BadMum3 just wanted to send solidarity. It feels really hard to parents teens at the moment. Hang in there and I agree with pp’s advice to stay in touch with your dd in a low key way, even if she doesn’t reply it has an impact. But I acknowledge that it’s bloody hard.

@Bibbetybobbity thanks for the solidarity, it means a lot

Keep telling her that you love her and that you are always there for her. Well done for acknowledging and apologising for the less-than-ideal parenting moments. Remind her that you are trying your best too and working through it.

Most importantly remind yourself that it is impossible to be a perfect parent. We do not have manuals and each parent and each child and each family dynamic is unique. What matters is LOVE and that you deeply love and care about her. Otherwise, you wouldn't be posting here!

FWIW my eldest DD went through a tough time 16-19 years and she had a therapist. DD found it easiest to blame me for everything .... Like you, there were times when I lost my temper and shouted. Like your DD, she said struggled with friends, was resentful and said she had trust issues. But I apologised too and acknowledged and was remorseful about my behaviour. At the time it didn't make a difference to her. I think it's true it is easiest to lash out and hurt those closest to you.

Fast forward to her 20s and we have a great relationship now and she acknowledges the help and support I have given. So please do hang in there. I do think that teenage brains need to mature in order to become more self-aware and mindful of others. Personally, I found going to therapy myself really helped me to check on my behaviours and impact and give me a lot of reassurance.

Finally - please please please don't dismiss her suicidal thoughts and her self harming lightly. Look for other warning signs. Suicidal thoughts should never ever be underestimated. Did you know that for young people, it is the no. 1 killer in the UK and no. 2 in the US? The Lucy Rayner Foundation offers free counselling and has great advice and of course there the Samaritans too.

@RoseJam Thankyou for your support. It gives me such hope reading stories such as yours as it is clear you have gone through the same as me and come through it. I really hope to have in time the same relationship with my daughter that you do with yours.

We have been in contact. She has text me to say hallo etc and I have given her the space she wants. She has still not asked to see me and I have not pushed it. I still feel miserable and find getting through each day very hard. I am just about managing to go to work but not much else besides. I feel guilt about all this and blame myself constantly for what has happened.

It is also upsetting that she used to text me constantly, up to last week, asking where I was etc but that has stopped. I have text her since all this happened saying that even though she may not want to see me she can talk to me any time about anything.

I di hope things improve soon.