A parent who objects to their 14 Year old daughter wearing trousers

[Mulamul]

Hi, I work in a school and have become concerned about a student whose parents won't let her wear school trousers. She is a very anxious girl generally. She came to me with trousers a friend had given her, asking if I thought the textile teacher would take them in and up, as they are too big for her. I said the office will provide trousers if she needs them. She said that her parents insist she wears a skirt and won't give reasons. She intended to change into the trousers at school and then change to go home.
She is hard working and very anxious to please. I think she wants to wear trousers to better fit in with her friendship group which is of unconventional thinkers, a little Goth in culture and rejecting of gender stereotyping. What do you think about this?
I think her rights as a young person are being denied, it seems very controlling of them. After all, wearing school trousers is a reasonable ask for a young woman in my opinion, and I feel strongly she should be allowed to; but obviously, it is wrong to support her in being subversive with her parents. I would love to hear what others think.

I think her parents sound ridiculously controlling, and at 14, she is old enough to wear what she wants. She sounds like she really needs the help of a supportive teacher. However, do you have a reasonable line manager that you could run it past, just to cover your own back? Just in case the parents complain further down the line?

Maybe her parents are old-fashioned and still think skirts should be worn at school and work? I was brought up to think like that. These days such thinking isn't the norm but maybe they are doing what they think is the right thing - even if it isn't.
If you're concerned, can't you pass it over to pastoral care?

Is it trousers altogether or school uniform trousers?

First is very very odd and suggesting they come from specific religious group. Second is maybe less odd but still makes you feel they have particular views.

Without talking to them you have no way of knowing though have you - it could be that they've told her that they can't afford to buy more uniform having just bought her new skirts.

OP "but obviously, it is wrong to support her in being subversive with her parents"

i don't think it is wrong. A couple of girls at my school were helped by teachers in similar ways.

I think not being allowed to wear trousers is a big red flag. I would check for signs of other abuse - coercive control starts with telling people what they can and can't wear. At age 14 - you should be making your own choices about many things.

You need to log this is a pastoral concern, on whatever system you use.

Not ask MN.

Is it possible that her parents are unwilling or unable to spend money on additional uniform when she has skirts that fit? It might not be a personal objection to girls in trousers, just a practical thing at the moment.

I don't know, I'm just wondering if that's why she wouldn't tell you what their reason is - she's embarrassed that they can't spend money on something she wants.

This needs to be taken to, and discussed with, the safeguarding lead at your school. NOT discussed on social media - particularly when MN is well known for being scraped by the gutter press for articles. This is exactly the sort of stuff they lap up. If you work in a school (as do I) then I would suggest you update your safeguarding training.

As PPs have said, this needs to be reported to the safeguarding lead. You always have to hope it's nothing, but it might be part of a bigger picture.

I was that textile teacher for many years……. Did lots of stuff like this. But this is a safeguarding concern, and needs raising.

Hi, Thank you to all for the comments. I will take it to the safeguarding team.

Raise it as a safeguard concern with your safeguarding lead. On its own it may not warrant any action but there may be other issues you aren't aware of and this can help with building a picture.

This. It’s very worrying that you don’t know this already.

So what about the girls who aren't allowed to wear skirts is this seen as a safeguarding issue ?

If a girl wanted to wear a skirt and was told she was not allowed by her parents, and was considering going behind their backs to be allowed to do so, then yes I would also see that as a safeguarding issue. On its own, it is not abusive but very controlling behaviour can be indicative of other issues and if there are lots of things like this that she is not allowed to do, that could build a picture of her home life.

It might be as simple as her having plenty of skirts the right size so they don't want to buy trousers. Or is it possible trousers aren't encouraged by the uniform policy? Either way is expect them to have discussed it with her.

Really?

It depends why they won't let her have trousers. Maybe it's because they don't want to fork out money for them when the child already has skirts? Maybe it's because it's the end of term and she'd have grown out of them by September?

it is quite likely she comes from a traditional religious background. Possibly Plymouth Brethren or Strict and particular Baptist, both unlikely to let girls wear trousers

Bloody hell. Safeguarding concern?

I really don’t think it’s for school to intervene in something like this. Schools have too much reach, and teachers too heavy a burden of responsibility these days. Obviously there are grave issues which a school can rightly be expected to flag to the relevant authorities - neglect, abuse, malnutrition, identifiers of physical and mental health problems - but whether or not a parent chooses to disallow their 14yo daughter from wearing trousers is just not anybody’s business but that family’s.

I DO think that if there are other reasons for believing that the child is suffering at home, obviously that needs exploring. But in and of itself, wearing trousers or not is hardly noteworthy. What can it even be an indication of? Controlling parents? I won’t allow my 14yo access to social media, is that controlling? They’re not allowed more than a couple of cans of Diet Coke a week, is that controlling? Would it be flagged at school if my DD said these are the rules at home? It’s a question of degree, and viewing the big picture. I can’t see how not wearing trousers at school is noteworthy.

If a girl wanted to wear a skirt and was told she was not allowed by her parents, and was considering going behind their backs to be allowed to do so, then yes I would also see that as a safeguarding issue. On its own, it is not abusive but very controlling behaviour

Very controlling behaviour?? I’m not a follower of any religion myself, but many restrict unfettered freedom of choice in clothing. This would be a safeguarding issue? Wearing a hijab? A turban? Long sleeves and tights at all times? A skullcap?

People have lost their minds. Seriously.

But she has the trousers, a hand-me-down from a friend, the parents don’t need to shell out at all.

Being forced to wear a hijab/turban, and having to go behind the parents back to go out with the head uncovered for fear of punishment? Yes, absolutely, that is controlling behaviour.

All the things you mentioned can and do have negative side effects. What's the negative for wearing trousers?

Also, if you think this will just be about trousers,you're very naive. While it's possible, it's very unlikely.

You can't possibly know what else is going on in this kid's life. What other ways she is being controlled in. What things are being said to her. What happens when she breaks these rules. How the family will react when they find out about the trousers. Neither does OP. That's why she must report so it can be dealt with.

Oh poor girl. Taking trousers to her textile teacher to have them altered for her? That's grim. I never wore a skirt to school, I wasn't comfortable with people seeing my legs. She deserves to feel comfortable at school.

I'm not sure what you should do but it doesn't sound good at all...