A parent who objects to their 14 Year old daughter wearing trousers

[Mulamul]

Hi, I work in a school and have become concerned about a student whose parents won't let her wear school trousers. She is a very anxious girl generally. She came to me with trousers a friend had given her, asking if I thought the textile teacher would take them in and up, as they are too big for her. I said the office will provide trousers if she needs them. She said that her parents insist she wears a skirt and won't give reasons. She intended to change into the trousers at school and then change to go home.
She is hard working and very anxious to please. I think she wants to wear trousers to better fit in with her friendship group which is of unconventional thinkers, a little Goth in culture and rejecting of gender stereotyping. What do you think about this?
I think her rights as a young person are being denied, it seems very controlling of them. After all, wearing school trousers is a reasonable ask for a young woman in my opinion, and I feel strongly she should be allowed to; but obviously, it is wrong to support her in being subversive with her parents. I would love to hear what others think.

If that was the case, you'd think her parents would be happy if she could get trousers from a friend or the school. Instead she’s hiding them.

I won’t allow my 14yo access to social media, is that controlling?

If all their peers are using it, it’s their main way of communicating outside of school. It’s controlling and isolating. There are time limits you can add, and privacy settings, no need to ban it entirely. Why cut them off from a massive part of teen life?

So then report it and nothing comes of it because the safeguarding lead deems it unimportant. What have you lost?

But report it and the safeguarding lead notices this is the third thing they've heard about this girl in a few weeks, then they might think it's a good idea to look into it more.

That is their job, and we are encouraged to mention anything which we think is "off" just in case.

You can't possibly know what else is going on in this kid's life. What other ways she is being controlled in. What things are being said to her. What happens when she breaks these rules. How the family will react when they find out about the trousers. Neither does OP. That's why she must report so it can be dealt with.

So, the parents will get a call from school about the girl wanting to wear trousers. Would any teacher want to make the phone call? Would the girls appreciate it? Would the parents want to receive it? Even if it’s to probe into further “controlling behaviour” at home, what on earth can a teacher do about this? Are teachers trained to take these things as far as they would need to go to be constructive? They’re teachers. Often, overworked and not paid well enough. Just what is the point of all this?

The child is 14yo. She’s someone’s legal responsibility. Her parents’, in this case. How they exercise that responsibility is up to them. Perhaps they see it as a slippery slope to lawless brazen wantoness (trousers, doubtful, but who knows). So what? Wearing trousers isn’t a protected human right.

I’m not going to comment further on the religious symbols. I don’t think NancyJoan has thought it through fully. Imagine a teacher intervening because a child tells her he tries to get out of church on a Sunday morning, because in making him go they’re exhibiting “very controlling behaviour”. Really?

Yes, maybe. She may feel conscious of how her parents would feel knowing she's taking castoffs from a friend - they could be embarrassed about their situation as well and she doesn't want to exacerbate that. I know I would have hidden these sorts of things from my parents to save their feelings or to avoid an awkward conversation.

I think a lack of funds is probably a more everyday scenario in households than abusive/deeply religious rules about no trousers for girls, especially when this kid's home life isn't already on the school's radar. Surly this would have been noted before now, that a girl has a very restrictive dress code imposed by her parents. What does she wear for PE?

I think it is very controlling of her parents, though I am not sure why it is seen as a safeguarding concern? Some parents are just very traditional in their outlook on these things - girls wear skirts and boys wear trousers etc. Not saying I agree with that, as I don't, but it happens.

My Dad tried to insist that I should wear the school tie, which was optional for girls and most didn't wear it. He insisted for no better reason than that it was on the uniform list, therefore it must be worn! I simply removed the tie once I was out of his sight. Eventually, I just "lost" it and with my mother's support it was simply never replaced.

Oh my word!

I’m extremely happy that you’re not at all representative of the parents and community in my DD’s school. If I were inclined to be as interventionist as you suggest, I might want to “flag” to you my concern that you’re exposing your own children to the many known and documented risks of SM exposure at this age.

I think some posters here might want to consider reading about different forms of child abuse, early signs, and how safeguarding systems work.

Most abuse is hidden, so it's important to look for possible clues and bring them to the attention of someone trained/ who will have a clearer overall picture. They can then decide what is an appropriate next step.

Yes there may be no serious issues in this girl's family. It could even be that she's "made up" the whole scenario in her head in which case there may be mental health issues which also need action.

But one member of staff outside of the pastoral team cannot make that judgement.

This with bells on.

If you are asking on here I would assume you are very new to your role as anyone with the slightest experience of working in a secondary school SHOULD recognise this as a concern and pass on to pastoral/safeguarding.

There are a hundred reasons why this should be escalated. For her sake, and yours OP. Don't get involved in the wrongs and rights, recognise that this could be a concern and protect YOURSELF.

Lets remember that today we learned of a teacher who noticed signs a child had been trafficked and was being held in domestic servitude.
OF course I'm not suggesting that this is the case here but this is why teachers and others should report concerns to a safeguarding lead, who will put those concerns together with anything else that has been observed.

I grew up with parents like that. Couldn't wear trousers, denim is only for 'oiks'. It went on, mascara is only for sluts, contraception is never to be mentioned, tampons were only for married women, ....the list of bigoted ignorant rubbish was endless.

That poor girl.

Our school had a second hand box of good quality, freshly clean clothes that are normally for sale. If you have the same, I'd give her free access to choose some clothes to wear in school, and offer her any other assistance she might need.

She will need other help. Tampons, advice, help with GCSE choices, university application etc.... be ready to assist.

I won’t allow my 14yo access to social media, is that controlling?

Yes. It is very controlling. I would be willing to bet that she does have social media accounts that she uses when out with friends or at their houses, with none of the controls you can have at home. Out of your sight.

As I said, if all their peers are using it, it’s their main way of communicating and cutting them off from that could be very isolating. There are negative effects from that, just as there are from too much social media use. If your children are at a school where a social media ban is the norm at home (at odds with the 82% of UK teens who regularly use YouTube) , then I’m delighted for both you and them.

So, the parents will get a call from school about the girl wanting to wear trousers. Would any teacher want to make the phone call? Would the girls appreciate it? Would the parents want to receive it? Even if it’s to probe into further “controlling behaviour” at home, what on earth can a teacher do about this? Are teachers trained to take these things as far as they would need to go to be constructive? They’re teachers. Often, overworked and not paid well enough. Just what is the point of all this?

Every school in the UK has a safeguarding team. And every single member of staff, including caretakers and librarians are legally required to have safeguarding training.

OP has (naively) posted on social media which in itself is quite foolish (and if identifiable, possibly discipline-worthy), about a situation which she feels unsure of. That in itself should set the safeguarding senses tingling.

It is absolutely the responsibility of teaching staff to escalate this sort of stuff, to an even more trained colleague. This on its own could be completely innocent. But it might be the one thing in a series of 'can I just run this past you' concerns that demonstrate a pattern. It is then a designated person's responsibility to investigate and if necessary call the parents, as awkward as that can be.

I taught secondary for 27 years, left last year.

My eyebrows raised slightly when l read a 14 year old was t allowed to access SM. Doesn’t sit right with me.

It may be for religious reasons. There are some people in our village who never wear trousers, even during snow. I think it's totally wrong.