Feel like my teen daughter hates me at times

[Needwine999]

She is just horrible to me 80% of the time, whatever I do or say is wrong, what I wear, how i walk, stand, breathe? She is just so unpleasant I'm in tears a lot atm. She is almost 18 i cant bear much more some days. she was lovely and adored me once, any advice x

[DiamanteDelia]

Oh bless you, that sounds really hard

This book is very good www.waterstones.com/book/mum-whats-wrong-with-you/lorraine-candy/9780008407216 although it covers more of the arsey, eye-rolling stuff and less real nastiness. What sort do thing does she do and say that upsets you so much?

[BDeyes]

yes I've got a teen dd too, they are horrible I feel like she's not the same person anymore and I actually don't like being around her a lot of the time. mine is younger than yours and still at school I'm absolutely dreading the upcoming school holidays with her being around. can offer no advice sorry and suppose we just have to persevere through. how long has your dd been like this? I actually can't wait for my dd to leave home and she's only 14!

[goldfinchonthelawn]

I genuinely believe that you need to mirror this sort of behaviour. It's not a popular theory. Most people say 'Oh she;s just being a teen.' But why should you put up with it. `Next time she starts, interrupt her and in an identical sneering tone, criticise the way she stands., mock her hair, her clothes, really lay into her until she looks worried. Actually upset her. Then stop and say you don't mean a word of it. But you needed her to hear the effect her criticism was having on you, and understand why it is so wrong.

I would also do zero for her. DS1 tried this with me. It lasted about 24 hours because I mirrored him and challenged him and also absolutely refused to do anything for him. I just said: 'I can't drive you 50 miles to your sports meet at the weekend because I never do favours for people who bully and belittle me. It's just a policy I have to ensure I keep my self esteem. the same applies to washing and cooking. I need a wholehearted apology and you never do it again or you can sort yourself out without my hekp from now on.'

I got a genuine apology.

[Bunty55]

If she is rude to you, tell her it is not acceptable. Tell her every damn time. Stop doing things for her if she is nasty. Do not devalue yourself. She is doing a good job of that.
She needs to relearn respect. Ask yourself if she would be like this with X Y or Z persons you know, and of course the answer is she would not dare.. so why with you?
How dare she criticise you? Start to become angry instead of upset. When she is 'off' with you, be 'off' back. Give her some of her own medicine, make her think.

[DiamanteDelia]

Not sure I agree about giving her a taste of her own medicine- that could easily spiral into a complete breakdown of relations. Definite yes to asserting your boundaries though, maybe by letting her know how her behaviour makes you feel. It would be helpful to know exactly what she's doing.

[Needwine999]

Thanks, she was fine until about 6 months ago, lots of eye rolling and I just cant do anything right :(

[Summersoul]

I literally could have written this same post. My DD1 is 15 and is vile to me most days ....it's do sad as I just adore her but she sees me as an overbearing Thorne in her side.... I'm at the point that I just don't want to come home 😕

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Terrible advice from @goldfinchonthelawn You can give the message that her behaviour is unacceptable and hurtful without stooping to her level.

OP teen girls can be awful but this behaviour is very common. There is a theory that they need to be like this to help with the separation. It WILL pass eventually but in the meantime set some boundaries regarding things she wants from you, money lifts etc. If she can’t be civil to you, you won’t provide these things.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Oh and at least at this age, you can go out and get on with your life and leave your teen to it!

[SirChenjins]

Pull her up on it calmly, remind her that you don’t speak to her like that and you would like her to show the same respect in return, limit what she do for her and give her while she’s being a cow, and know that this too shall pass.

Do not stoop to her level - that’s terrible advice. You have to model the behaviour you want (even though secretly you want to kick her hard! Or maybe that was just me…) and one day when she’s complaining about her teenager you can nod sagely and raise an eyebrow at her.

[007DoubleOSeven]

She will adore you again. She still loves you wholeheartedly, once she's moved out and lived independently for a couple years she'll start to come round again x

[bendmeoverbackwards]

@Needwine999

Thanks, she was fine until about 6 months ago, lots of eye rolling and I just cant do anything right :(

Stop trying so hard. Whatever you do, teens find their parents embarrassing. Ignore as much as you can and stay out of her way!

[stirling]

This thread is helpful I'm enduring the same rubbish from my dd 14. Good replies

[jellymaker]

I have taken the phone off my daughter tonight. She has pushed me to the limit today. She's grovelling now .

[Holly60]

@goldfinchonthelawn

I genuinely believe that you need to mirror this sort of behaviour. It's not a popular theory. Most people say 'Oh she;s just being a teen.' But why should you put up with it. `Next time she starts, interrupt her and in an identical sneering tone, criticise the way she stands., mock her hair, her clothes, really lay into her until she looks worried. Actually upset her. Then stop and say you don't mean a word of it. But you needed her to hear the effect her criticism was having on you, and understand why it is so wrong.

I would also do zero for her. DS1 tried this with me. It lasted about 24 hours because I mirrored him and challenged him and also absolutely refused to do anything for him. I just said: 'I can't drive you 50 miles to your sports meet at the weekend because I never do favours for people who bully and belittle me. It's just a policy I have to ensure I keep my self esteem. the same applies to washing and cooking. I need a wholehearted apology and you never do it again or you can sort yourself out without my hekp from now on.'

I got a genuine apology.

Awful advice. Don't do this.

[Maltester71]

I have a 13 year old who was lovely but is now bloody awful.

im in the process of cancelling a summer holiday that I booked around her interests, including a show that she wanted to see. I honestly don’t think I can bear to take her away.

id actually like to leave the family home, if I’m honest.

why do they behave so abysmally?

[goldfinchonthelawn]

Awful advice. Don't do this.

@Holly60 Why is it awful advice? It genuinely worked for me. Teens can lack empathy to the pooint that they are clueless how their behaviour affects others. My teens didn't have raging tantrums, they always talked to me, chat over dinner etc, and I stopped a few kids from bullying others by mirroring how they were behaving. I could see the shock on their faces when they realised how hurtful that behaviour was. Bit uncomfortable for them but it works.

Genuine question - what would you do instead and why is it 'awful' advice?

[SilverPeacock]

It works best for me if I manage to stay calm but tell her if she is being rude or hurtful. She usually will then apologise.

[Sunflower987]

It sounds like she's lost respect for you at 18 I don't really think there are any 'excuses' ie. Hormones, for her behaviour.

I would sit her down and pull her up on how it makes you feel and how she should have a think about how she would feel if you did the same to her.

She needs to learn respect and relearn how to communicate with you because she's got into a cycle where it's the norm to behave this way.

Pull her up every time she's horrible, reinforcing how it makes you feel and how would she like it if you did it to her, encourage her to learn the art of apologising when she's behaved this way.
She needs to learn the error of her ways.

It's always worked with me if my kids have gone through a blip of being rude although taking away phones or consoles worked too, unfortunately your daughter is too old for this.

Also spending time together will help, I was younger than your daughter when my behaviour was bad as a teen, I was crying out for love, make sure you try and keep her close, relearning how to communicate positively again.

Hope it works out.

[HernamewasMary]

My only advice as a daughter and a mum, is that it's at this point that you need to reconnect with your friends and the things you enjoy doing, but that is easier when they have left home. My son decided to be vile at my dad's funeral, so it was like he deliberately put a knife in my heart and twisted it at the worst possible moment in my life. Since then I have moved him into the background, and the things and people which give me pleasure into the foreground of my life. For now that feels like the right thing to do. I hope this helps

[Maltester71]

I hope mine grows out of it!

our whole life since becoming parents has seen us putting the kids first. We have investments put aside to give them a house deposit etc etc.

if they don’t buck their ideas up as adults, I’ll certainly think again about gifting house deposits. We’d like to move to the coast but we decided not to do that in case the kids needed help with any future grandchildren (we had no help).

I just hope it’s a phase

[Highlandmum1]

My 17 year old daughter does nothing but hide in her room , her sister lives with thier dad and we have 3 other children in the house , I try to get her to join in but she never wants to , she hardly says a word to us .
The other day I noticed self harm marks on her leg and when I asked all I got was I don't do it anymore I was in a bad place, I do try and communicate with her but she has no interest in communication with me, she has a job and works.hard at school so I can't complained there but she has got so lazy helping in the house to , today I asked for help with hovering 3 times and in the end she.said I don't really want to so I took her phone from her which i have never done, I'm scared that her not talk will cause more issues but sick of been a door mat in my own home. Any advise ? I can't spk to her dad as we don't get on. All my partner want to do is support me and he trys his best with her to but she doesn't respond to him either.