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Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My daughter wants to meet her internet boyfriend

80 replies

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 07:45

Hello, I am new here and hoping I can get some feedback. I am a single mum with a 17 year old daughter. She has an internet 'boyfriend' she has never met in real life and has been face-timing for about six months. She wants to travel to Yorkshire - we live in Wimbledon - to stay with him and his family for a few days for his 18th birthday. I know he isn't a fifty year old pretending to be a teenager as I have seen him when they chat and have said hello, and I have already thought about the need to face-time chat with his mum, get all the contact details etc. I know I have been very over-protective which we have discussed and I am working on but honestly I just feel sick and terrified about this. Am I being over-protective or is this what every mum would feel? I have borderline personality disorder and an anxiety disorder which makes it really difficult for me to judge situations and people appropriately and I would very much appreciate any advice I can get. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 04/07/2022 07:57

I would want him to come and stay with us first birthday or not. It is probably all ok but it could also be a horrible elaborate scam.

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 04/07/2022 08:03

Can you go with her? Travel there, book a hotel, have dinner with his parents etc?

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:13

That is what I feel too and thanks for replying. I am struggling with this. Having a mental health condition makes it very hard for me to judge things appropriately and I am petrified.

OP posts:

JemimaTheClimber · 04/07/2022 08:13

I think this would be better posted in the "teenagers" section so you can get a good feel of what others would think. If you want to get your thread moved, there is a "report" button at the bottom of your post. Click on that and ask for it to be moved to teenagers board and MN will move it for you. To find the teenagers board bit yourself, main page of Talk and "being a parent" has a lot of boards under that category.

Personally, as the parent of a 19 and 16 year old, I wouldn't be encouraging it. Distance being the main issue for continuing a relationship like this. Does it look like your daughter will be going to university? Is she a year younger than him? I absolutely wouldn't want my DD going to him for his 18th. If it all goes wrong then his 18th will possibly be ruined. Normally they could meet in a town for a day but this puts a lot of pressure on your DD if she stays over at his house. She may feel obligated and out of her depth. It would be a no from me for the 18th but they could meet in a city half way between (Yorkshire is a very large area which I live in) they could get the train but for a 17 year old with possibly not a lot of life experience I would travel with her and also spend the day in that city and meet back up with her later to get the train back.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:15

Hi, I am totally broke and can just about afford the train fare so no, although that is a very good suggestion. I also have an elderly mum I look after full time so even if I had the cash, I couldn't. I just can't shake the feeling this is not right, but we are having a lot of problems negotiating this. She is absolutely determined and I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/07/2022 08:16

I think they need to meet in person before any overnights.

Could you ask for his mum's number and call her and see if she would be up for meeting halfway where they could have a coffee and do the initial face to face thing?

Totally ott generally in terms of a 17yo boyfriend and girlfriend, but given the remoteness of their situation I'd say appropriate.

PetersRabbitt · 04/07/2022 08:18

I think it’s fine if you’ve seen him on FaceTime and also if you speak to his mum first. She is 17 and travelling to meet a boy/friend is common at that age.

To be extra secure I would make sure she has extra money to get the train home early if it all goes wrong or she feels uncomfortable and wants to leave. I’d make it clear she doesn’t need their permission to do that and she can leave in the middle of the night to come home if she wants too.

Immsure she will have a great time though.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:19

Thanks, I am new here so I didn't know about the teenage board. I suggested the meeting halfway thing too so it's good to see that's your take on it. I feel out of my depth and it's good to get some of what I feel reflected back to me. As I posted I have a condition that makes it very hard for me to judge situations appropriately and it means I spend a lot of time doubting my reasoning, so I am really grateful for people taking the time to offer advice. I actually feel a lot better just seeing this isn't me being hysterically over protective. I keep thinking about every horror story I have ever read about people meeting internet 'partners' and how awfully wrong it can go. Thanks so much and I will try and get this moved onto the teenage board.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/07/2022 08:20

Couldn't he come to London for the day and she could show him around with one of her friends?

LittleSockOfHorrors · 04/07/2022 08:21

A also think they need to meet for a day first. Staying overnight is too big of a jump.

Can they find a city in the middle, preferably on the train line and both go there just for a day?

They need to get jobs if they want to afford a long distance relationship.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:22

Thanks, I worry about being other the top which is what I am guessing that means but yes it is remote and she hasn't met him in real life.

OP posts:

LittleSockOfHorrors · 04/07/2022 08:22

Approximately when is the birthday and where in Yorkshire does he live?

titchy · 04/07/2022 08:23

If he's only in Yorkshire and you're in London why hasn't he come down before? Isn't she worth a cheap one day super saver ticket...?

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:24

Thanks, I did feel somewhat reassured by seeing him on face time but honestly it's very difficult to get a feel for someone unless you see them in real life and he lives half way across the country so I am not sure - I want her to have fun and have experiences but my gut and heart are really unsure.

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/07/2022 08:24

When this happened with a friend's son the whole family went with him. I don't think she should stay over the first time she meets him, even thought they w been face timing it has to be treated as a first date safety wise.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:25

I think that is a good idea and I am going to suggest that as an alternative. Thanks.

OP posts:

igetittotally · 04/07/2022 08:25

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:22

Thanks, I worry about being other the top which is what I am guessing that means but yes it is remote and she hasn't met him in real life.

My daughter is 17 and recently travelled to London by herself and had a weekend there, to encourage her independence.
However in your situation I wouldn't let my daughter travel to stay with a family she doesn't know - it's too far, too much could go wrong, alcohol will be involved - there are way too many variables!
Good luck though, teenagers are bloody hard work if you say no to them! ( but I think you should) xx

SavoyCabbage · 04/07/2022 08:26

You aren't being over the top.

For me, it wouldn't be the idea that she could be murdered in a basement it would be that she would be so far away on someone else's turf.

If they have an argument or she feels she's had enough then she has no back up plan.

It seems like a good idea to me that he comes down first and they spend a day in central london.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:28

I am very grateful for the replies and I think getting some reflection of what I initially thought, that this is just too big of a risk, is very helpful. As I said I have a lot of problems judging things and being single and having a mental health condition means I spend an awful lot of time second-guessing myself, often unproductively. I think I am about to have a whopper of a conversation but at least I have a bit of back-up advice I can show her to help with that. Thanks so much for taking the time to offer advice, I appreciate it so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:29

Thanks I appreciate that

OP posts:

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:32

Yes, and thank you for your advice. It's a difficult thing to admit but I struggle to know what is appropriate as my condition often leads me to over-react, sometimes hyserically so, and I have been working so hard on that as it is in itself dangerous. I don't want to smother her, but this felt dangerous and I really needed to get some other mum's opinions. I woke up feeling petrified and I am so glad I joined mumsnet today. Thank you so much. I actually have something I can sit her down with and show her that it isn't just me being 'mad' and other people think it is inappropriate and risky as well. Really, thank you.

OP posts:

everythingssogrey · 04/07/2022 08:33

Why is it always the girl traveling in this scenario on here?
He should make the effort. He should come to you. She should assert this.

But if she is going to see meet his family, then you going with her wouldn't be too full on since families are meeting, it's serious.

In that case I'd speak to the parents, book a hotel, and stay with my daughter there. Go out to meet them all, even to their house.

But not alone.

I moved out at 18 and did anything I wanted. She's living with her parents and not fully an adult.

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:34

Thanks, and you are not wrong about the teenagers not liking being told no to, especially as I did halfway agree to this after an argument which I am now going to have to backtrack on.

OP posts:

Original poster

StumbleBee · 04/07/2022 08:36

I admit my first reaction is to go straight to a worst case scenario situation which is a lot of why I am asking for advice. Having BPD and GAD means I spend an unholy amount of time in clenched jaw panic at the best of times but this had me waking up every five minutes. Thanks

OP posts:

LittleSockOfHorrors · 04/07/2022 08:45

You aren't saying a definitive 'no' though.

You are saying that there should be some sort of a buffer.

Either meeting at a different time before the birthday.
Or you also being on hand.

My dd went to all of her university open days by herself on the train and she had a great time and it was a perfect way for her to have some independence but this isn't the same as that. This is going to stay at someone's house three hundred miles away.

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