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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to ask DD ‘s friend to go home without being rude

43 replies

Mangarosa09 · 02/07/2022 22:45

My DD is 14 with a busy schedule of after school activities during the week , including Saturdays and Sundays . On Fridays we let her bring some friends over for pizza and movie , as it’s her time to “ chill” . We live in a relatively big house and they mainly stay in the garden or in the games room downstairs they don’t really bother us , she Keeps them out of the way and sometimes I even forget they are there. Most of them leave leave relatively early . However, one of the friends doesn’t seem to have a curfew to go home. Sometimes it’s 11pm and the friend is still at my place. I have to prompt her to leave every time, and my DD gets in a mood with me., accusing me of being rude . Should the friend’s parents give their teen a time to leave my house ? Or should I make it clear from the beginning? They all go to the same school and are local to us but I haven’t met the parents as when they do come to collect their teen they don’t even knock on on my door to introduce themselves. I find it either ODD to say the least . Just wondering what other people would do if they are in my shoes?

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 02/07/2022 22:46

Why cant they stay over?

CuriousCatfish · 02/07/2022 22:48

I'd let her friend stay over and ease up a bit on all the after school activities.

Greensleeves · 02/07/2022 22:48

I'd either let her stay over, or breezily say "Right, I'm kicking you out now - I need my beauty sleep, and so does DD". I wouldn't pay much attention to DD sulking about it. Tell her to organise her friend to be out by 11 herself if she doesn't want you intervening, if that's your desired departure time.

lljkk · 02/07/2022 22:50

My feeling is...
talk it thru with your DD
if friend can't stay over (& assuming not vulnerable at her own home) then agree with your DD what you want in advance, & ask your DD to handle the "Love you but time to go to bed, see you tomorrow" chat with her friend
If your DD can't do that then she's not got a balanced friendship.

I have an adult friend I occasionally have to kick out, we're both American though, so can be very direct with offending.

TeapotTitties · 02/07/2022 22:51

You tell your DD to make sure her friend leaves at the time you decide.

It's not down to you to do this.

Hied · 02/07/2022 22:52

I don't know the names of my teenage kids' parents. They just drive up and collect their kids.

Don't think that's unusual once they leave primary school.

When your DD wants her friends around just tell her they have to leave by 10pm. (Or whatever).

It's not rude!! If my kids' friends overstay their welcome I just knock on the bedroom door and tell them it's time to go!

Sometimes my DC will plead for another half hour or so, and depending how late it is/how noisy they are/ how tired I am, I'll either agree or not.

Because it's my house and I'm the adult!

Sprogonthetyne · 02/07/2022 22:52

Are you sure the parent’s are coming to collect? she could just be embarrassed to say she has no one who's worried about her, then finds her own way home, where her parents may not be home. Would also explain why she's hanging out at your house so late, it could just be somewhere she feels safe.

Hyvsvaar · 02/07/2022 22:54

Check in with daughter that friend is okay if she’s reluctant to go home every time

Kite22 · 02/07/2022 23:12

Set the 'rules' with your dd beforehand.

Either invite the friend to stay over, or let your dd know the friends can come over until X time.

milkysmum · 02/07/2022 23:15

I don't know the parents of all my teens friends. I just tell her they need to be gone by x time, and if they are still here I would be telling them they to go/ ask them if their mum/ dad was on their way etc.

RoaryR · 02/07/2022 23:17

Surely it's not a case of having to ask her to leave every time, it's a case of setting a curfew for friends being in the house. So if you want people out by 10, just tell your daughter her friends must leave by 10.

WorkEvent · 02/07/2022 23:22

Can’t the friend just stay over? DD doesn’t need a bedtime on the weekend at her age, and she should be capable of organising her own activities and deciding if her socialising is impacting them. Only being able to see her friends on a Friday evening must be very frustrating.

ChaToilLeam · 02/07/2022 23:23

You’re the adult and they’re the kids, so you set a time at which everyone’s got to go home and make sure they know that. I would just ensure the girl is able to get home safely.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/07/2022 00:21

It's worth digging...
I had a similar set up in my house when DC were teens, I was happy for them to be around (but not be seen!).

One friend always liked to stay over, it was fine by me so long as they were lights out by midnight.

When my youngest started doing an activity on Saturday mornings, I'd offer to drop the friend back, but no, they wanted to come and watch... ok, again fine by me but something was starting to seem a bit odd.

Turns out the poor child's home life was a bit of a disaster. Hostile, arguing, drinking until all hours.. the parents were going through a nasty divorce. Such a lovely child as well.

So hanging out at ours on the weekend was their happy safe place.

I remember a bit later when we'd go to the activity on Saturday morning and the friend would stay at the house and water all the plants for me and hoover up. And on the Sunday would help me make lunch. Was more willing and helpful than my actual DCs so I think it was a win for us both!

Sometimes it's just worth finding out a bit more.

SaltySalad · 03/07/2022 00:34

So you tell them it’s until 10pm or whatever. Or you talk with your daughter about what it is she wants. Maybe she’s tired of being over scheduled and wants more time to hang out with her friends.

My 14yo has/goes to a sleepover most weekends. Friends are incredibly important at this age.

Original poster
Mangarosa09 · 03/07/2022 07:54

Thank all for the replies! I should have mentioned that the girl in question is not vunerable/at risk. DD says her friends parents aren’t happy by the amount of time she spends at my place , but surely they should be giving her a curfew , not expecting me to do it ?

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 03/07/2022 08:01

I'd tell my DD that the visitor needs to leave at a reasonable time and it is not rude to enforce this. I'd explain to my DD that every home is different but you have the right to set the limits in your house.

Then ask your DD how they want to deal with it:
-you tell them when to go
-your DD tells them when to go
-you stop letting her visit at all

Hopefully your DD will start managing this themselves more effectively. It is normal to have boundaries, everyone learns to set their own. Teens cope with parents right along the normal range.

ittakes2 · 03/07/2022 08:16

decide a time and tell DD all friends must be left by then

familyissues12345 · 03/07/2022 08:16

Mangarosa09 · 03/07/2022 07:54

Thank all for the replies! I should have mentioned that the girl in question is not vunerable/at risk. DD says her friends parents aren’t happy by the amount of time she spends at my place , but surely they should be giving her a curfew , not expecting me to do it ?

Yeah that's a bit weird?! Surely they'd say "I don't like it, so I'll pick you up at *"

I always have a house full of teens, one of DS's mates even has his own duvet set here. I'm pretty relaxed, but we always pre arrange plans - so DS knows if I want a quiet house by a certain point, or if his friends are welcome to stay late etc

ittakes2 · 03/07/2022 08:16

you are the one who is unhappy about the 11pm leave time so you should be setting the 'curfew'.

Afterfire · 03/07/2022 08:18

You need to set a time with your dd and she communicates this to the friend. Or just let her stay over as others have said.

Really normal not to meet parents of teens friends!

motogirl · 03/07/2022 08:29

Just tell your dd friends need to leave by 10pm unless they are staying over, and that needs to be checked with you in advance

Original poster
Mangarosa09 · 03/07/2022 08:56

@RoaryR they are about 3 or 4 friends at once and all of them leave around 9ish, they arrive about 3pm( straight from school) some parents come to pick up other send an Uber or call them to go home etc, I don’t need to worry . but this girl in particular doesn’t leave until I have to prompt her, which I find ODD. Perhaps I need to make clear to my DD that her friend must leave when everyone else does!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mangarosa09 · 03/07/2022 09:01

@familyissues12345 I find it weird too! It seems that they are under the impression that she has to “ stay” at my place when it’s quite the contrary Lol

OP posts:
Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 09:14

It is odd, as a parent I would never allow my child to stay at someone else’s house so late if they had not been invited to stay the night.

I am also not buying the claim her parents don’t like their daughter spending so much time at your house. If this was the case she would be picked up much earlier.

I think you need to speak to them, even if it’s just to clarify that their daughter is not being forced to stay so late and all the other girls are collected by 9pm.

Maybe, have a sleepover with all of the once a month or so, but an 11pm pick-up, every week is unacceptable.